The Last Happy Single Girl

How to be Happy (and Single)

2011-11-03T01:45:00.000-07:00

I apologise...I have been rather intermittent in my blog posts. And no, it's not because I stopped being single. Or that I got caught by some buff Korean boy and disappeared. Very much the opposite. I am still very much the single girl. So fret not, I still have reason to continue this blog. Heehee.

I wrote sometime back that maybe the reason I am a happy single is because I never set myself up with the expectation that I would NOT be single later in life. I also wrote that the secret to being single is to have an I-Bf (Imaginary Bf) which works, but only for those brave enough to admit to being nut-jobs :)

But I've given it some thought. There IS a way to be happy and be alone. So here's how it has worked (in the past year or so) for me.

1) Love.
Believe in it. Find it wherever you can. In your family, in your friends, in religion, in the things that make you up. If you start to understand what Love is, in the biggest sense of the word, then you will find that you are never really alone and that if it is in your life, in any form, you can't be unhappy.

2) Like what you do.
It's simple. If you're sitting in an office hating every hour that goes by in a job you can't stand, evidently you'll be wishing twice as hard for someone to whisk you away to something, anything else to preoccupy yourself with. Find something you're good at, do it well, and you'll find it hard not to be satisfied.

3) Have faith.
Everything will work out. You'll see. Believe that things will be ok. With or without a man. With or without a partner. Have some faith that you're good enough for you.

4) Go places.
See the world. There's so much of it anyway. The more people you meet, the more amazing adventures you go on, the more stories you will tell. Witnessing how hard or wonderful it is the way others live will teach you that finding one true life partner may not be the answer to all things and that soulmates come in many shapes and sizes.

5) Fun, fun, fun.
Above all, the real secret to being happy and single? Have a ton of FUN. Enjoy your life as it is. Don't regret, don't hesitate, go forth and enjoy yourself...Laugh. Whatever situation you may find yourself in, whatever heartbreak, get over it, laugh it off...if you're dancing your way through, someone just might dance with you.

How it's done in Seoul

2011-07-27T02:58:00.000-07:00

So here's a baffling one...

While partying in Seoul, what happens is some big buff not too ugleh dude (because most dudes in S.Korea aren't ugly anyway) comes up from behind, engulfs me in a big bear hug, gives me a pat on the head a few times and then off he goes. That's it. Not a word, not a dance, not a smile. Bear hug, pat on head, byebye.
Mind you, Korean dudes are respectful enough not to let their fingers roam even when you are trapped in the clutches of their big buff milky white arms.

Baffled, I asked a male Seoul-ite friend and apparently, that's how it's done. Bear hug to letcha know he's erm... THERE, pat on the head to letcha know he thinks you're cute and then that's it. Up to you to pick up on the game. Except I was in too much shock horror to respond in any appropriate fashion other than to shout "OMG WTF IS GOING ON?"

Now I wonder, is this behaviour appropriate if done the other way round? If say, erm, someone I know might want to run up to a pretty boy and try engulfing him in a bearhug and pat his head? And if so, can we adopt it in less forward Asian shores?

Template of a Love Letter

2011-05-25T12:24:00.000-07:00

For those of you who ever find yourselves at a loss .... here's a template where you can fill in the brackets yourselves.

Dear you,

Before, I didn't know you. I didn't know anything about you. I didn't know your face, your name, where you came from, what you did, who you were.

I didn't know
The way you .... (walk, with slight misstep like a little boy)
Or that.... (silly face you pull when you stick your tongue out)

I hadn't memorised
your .... (fingers and the way they bend slightly backwards)
or your .... (spine and how it curves when you hunch over your late night work)

I hadn't counted on
the sound of .... (your voice - distinct, lilted, safe)
or the way you .... (wear your head - crazy hair, slight frown, preferably with hat)

It wasn't etched in my mind
your .... (silhouette, standing in the rain as you watch me leave)
or that .... (line on your cheek I like to trace)

There wasn't space for...
your .... (history - how it grounds you)
or the way you .... (place your hand on the small of my back)

Before...I did not know you.

Not one thing about you.

But now...here it is. I know all about you.
And my love, how wonderful...
That all I know now, is you.

Ode to the Good Girl

2011-04-19T20:22:00.000-07:00

It is becoming increasingly clear that good girls are hard to come by and sadly for the good girl, she gets dismissed even when she is ever present. I want to celebrate the good girl. The one you missed. The girl who is right in front of you but whom you simply look past. The one that you know is good for you but don't really want. The girl whom you think you're too good for. The girl whom you think is too good for you. I want to celebrate the girl who is more real than anyone else you know. The good girl.

*Dedicated to all the single, fabulous, good girls I know :)

WHY YOU SHOULD FIND A GOOD GIRL...

>> She is real. The good girl doesn't seem to flit around a daydream. She is in your face, she is vocal, she isn't afraid to get her hands dirty. She doesn't have time to play up to a fantasy because she is here, she is now and she is present.

>>She has heart. What I mean is, she has a good heart. At the base of it all, the good girl cares more about things than she lets on. She wants to save the world and you to help her do it.It is not her that you need to save.
>> She is animated. The girl you see isn't afraid of showing her feelings. She will tell you if she likes you or that she is sad or happy. The good girl feels and acts, sometimes on impulse but at least you will always know that she is a red-blooded, living, breathing person.

>> She is happy. She likes to make the most out of life and she won't shy away from making a fool out of herself or to celebrate all the wonderful things that make her happy. She will laugh at life and she will make you laugh.

>> She is strong. Which is why most probably you never really gave her the time of day. The good girl will pick up the pieces not fall to pieces. We all know boys want girls they feel the need to save and unfortunately, the good girl doesn't need that because she's been too busy building a life not ruining one.

>> She won't break your heart. Chances are, it's the good girl who will be the one who will stand by you and fight your battles with you...loyal to the end. Chances are, she will be the one left behind when you decide to move on. And, chances are, she'll be the one with the broken heart.

So give the good girl a chance, guys...They might be the best thing that could happen to you.

Reading and Dating

2011-03-15T19:38:00.000-07:00

Read a rather lovely post today, HERE:

Why You Should Date A Girl Who Reads

Which got me thinking about how we spend our time....when you're single and really have nothing better to do, it really comes down to two things doesn't it?

Reading...

and

Dating.

Lately, because I've been working so much (both mentally, emotionally, and for the most part physically) I haven't had time to do either. Which I suppose has led to the rather sad neglect of this blog.

I used to be a girl who read. Really, I read a lot. At least 2 books a week! But now I can't even be bothered to pick up my juicy copy of Grazia (the best guilty pleasure EVER) and as for dates...nada. An FSG (Fellow Single Girl) said to me the other day, she can't remember the last time she'd been on a proper date. I thought back to the last time it was for myself...and I think I stopped trying to recall after it reached more than 1 year back. Which brings me to being roped into the horror of horrors that is Speed Dating. Yes, folks, I shall venture forth into the world of speed dating. Please someone tell me if this is a good or bad idea. I don't know. I'm scared. But also, I think it will be REALLY funny.

And as for reading, is there a speed dating equivalent of reading? I'd really like to be considered a reader again...for want of nothing else, to get me back to being a girl people would want to date. Nyak nyak.

Why Virgins Are In

2011-01-25T02:21:00.000-08:00


A virgin. No, REALLY.

The lack of good specimens in our vicinity has started to grate on us Happy Single Girls. (in more ways than one, I'll have you know...hurhurhur) Which has set us on a path to look for greener, fresher, riper....pastures.Unfortunately we have come up short. Men in our vicinity are either taken or too dirty. It really has come down to those two categories. Taken or Too Dirty.

Men in our vicinity... and why they aren't options:
Specimen #1: Cayenne Client
Well he's sort of the right age, drives not one but TWO Porche Cayennes (kaching!), is well spoken and well dressed...
Verdict: Too Dirty (he also happens to voice out his desire to see you dressed as a mermaid in very public very serious meetings and can't control himself if you wear a low cut top)

Speciment #2: Nice Bone Structure
He is lovely really. Nice guy, nice cheekbones, nice voice...nice nice. And cool too. Cool friends, cool style, cool house.
Verdict: Taken ( by an equally nice girl with probably cooler friends and cooler clothes...*pout*)

Specimen #3: Sport Supahstar
Hot, sexy, young, makes a pretty decent living....Oh, and famous. Did I mention Hot, Sexy AND Famous?
Verdict: Too Dirty (To be expected of a hot, sexy, famous and young boy I suppose. Too many skankyhobagalots where he's dipped his famous marker pen into)

Which brings us to wish and hope for the one thing that isn't taken or dirty....
The virgin.
At least...with them...you're guaranteed some form of cleanliness and since the skankyhobagsalots haven't gotten to them yet, they are single and ripe for the picking.

Need we say more?

Year of the Number 1

2011-01-10T02:39:00.000-08:00


My I-Bf, TOP

Happy New Year folks!
I declare 2011 officially as the Year of the Number 1. Singledom reigns this year and I for one am undaunted. I think I can safely say I have never been happier as a single and I have to say, this is all due to the fact I have found the secret to being so...well, damn happy.

The answer folks is simple...an Imaginary Boyfriend. Yes yes...I found myself one. I always dreamed of Imaginary Husbands but an Imaginary Boyfriend is so much more fun. Husbands, albeit imaginary require some degree of commitment but I-Bfs require no such loyalty. You can have him for as long as you want, flit between his friends, marry him some days...dump him on others for other obsessions...Splendid arrangement really.

Why I Love My Imaginary Boyfriend (I-Bf)

>> He is handsome.
(Obviously when choosing the I-Bf you probably want to go with someone who makes your mind go blank at the mere sight of his face.) My I-Bf has been declared the Hottest Man in Korea 2011, so we know his beauty is palpable. This also ensures that there is no shortage of his image in every imaginable pose being thrown at you on a nearly daily basis.

>> He is a superstar.
This is the I-Bfs most important quality. He needs to be so famous that there are always people out there happy to document his every move and activity for your viewing pleasure. The more famous and stalked he is the better for me I say. It feels as if I'm REALLY part of his life because I know his schedule better than say I know my own.

>> He has cool friends.
I'm lucky. My I-Bf has a bunch of friends just as famous or probably more famous than he is and all are just as pretty as he. It's important because should you tire of your I-Bf, here are his friends to distract you while you take your time out from your beloved. Sometimes, I cheat on my I-Bf with his best friends...It's okay. Having an I-Bf allows you to do that. He will never know.

>> He makes me laugh.
My I-Bf genuinely makes me laugh. Sometimes I'd remember some stupid thing he said or did and literally start guffawing. I'm again, lucky. It just so happens that my I-Bfs sense of humour really appeals to me and that he seems to have turned into a comedian of late. Of course, if you choose an I-Bf who happens to be a professional comedian, even BETTER!

>> What he does makes me happy.
He makes music that makes me happy. So you laugh, what happened to the indie girl who listened to proper, interesting music? Here's what I have to say...if it makes you feel like dancing, feel like a champ, feel like laughing, feel like having fun? It's good for you.

>> He is available on request. (And unavailable when you ask him to piss off)
Probably the best thing about an I-Bf, really. Conjure him up when you need him most and forget about him when you've got better things to do. He doesn't complain. And you never have to put up with any of his negative traits. (except maybe his being TOO goodlooking and your having to read comments by hobagskankysluts who want to do rather unmentionable things to him).

>> My friends approve of him.
Who wouldn't though? Some of my friends even indulge me as much as to have I-Bfs of their own who happen to be his friends. This takes the imaginary relationships to the next level because it's as if your lives are all interlinked. Friends with I-Bfs of their own is a kewl thing. Just make sure you don't have the same I-Bf (which can happen more often than not) as your besties. That can be sticky. Luckily, my friends and I have vastly different tastes.

And there you have it. Why I am the happiest a single girl can be. It's quite simple. I highly recommend it.

And no, I haven't lost my marbles.

Ok, a bit. teehee.

Stories to consider

2010-12-10T07:27:00.000-08:00

So I heard this story but it has to be told in the language I heard it in else some of its fantastic nuances...

Overheard:
Random person: So Dato', I heard you got a woman on the side.
Dato: Ye ke? Siapa kata?
RP: I knowla. You set her up with a place in London.
Dato': Ah, tulah.
RP: Who is she?
Dato: Does it matter?
RP: So how did you meet her?
Dato: Jangan hebohkan ye, kat email!
RP: You met her through email?
Dato: Ya she emailed me. Said she interested in me.
RP: So you started with her through that? How did you know what she was like?
Dato: Kan internet boleh send gambar?
RP: Oh so she sent you photos of herself.
Dato: Ya ya. You wanna know why I started the affair?
RP: Why?
Dato': Kan she sent gambar...I tengok. Wah bes, Tektek BESAR!

And there you have it folks...The reason men choose to have affairs. Mind you, this Dato's wife is a very classy, beautiful woman of substance. But obviously, not with a rack that can compete for her husband's attention....

Translations:
Dato': Malaysian term for a dignitary position
Ye ke, siapa kata? : Really? Who said?
Tulah: I see.
Jangan hebohkan: Don't spread it around
Gambar: Picture/Photo
Tengok: See/Saw
Wah bes, tektek BESAR: Wow, great! BIG TITS!

Erm..PS.

2010-12-01T19:30:00.000-08:00

Thought I'd just say....while I've been congratulating myself and posting about someone who finally makes me happy....the truth is, well, TECHNICALLY...I'm still very much, single.
HAHAHA HOOHOO HEEHEE *maniacal laughter*

I prefer to refer to myself as "Single but Taken"."Mentally Married". "Availably Unavailable"

Although this may seem slightly insane, I assure you I am perfectly, if not a little kooky, sane.

And although this may be a very strange way of finally attaining the impossible, I am actually still very much single and actually the happiest I have ever been as a single.
Let's be honest, when I started this blog, I was pretty angry..incredulous really hence, the vent outlet.
Later on, when I was sort of on my way to being alright, I started to get jealous of girls and went all insane (but funnily I might add) and ranted more.
For the most part, this blog was meant to be an outlet for me and my friends (FSGs) to commiserate.

Right now though, most of my FSGs are happily loved up (with nice real boys) while others are super busy and don't have time to lament their singledom.

As for me, I'm very happily mentally married (to a real boy of course who just isn't physically here at the moment). A great state of mind to be in when you have great tasks at hand. Like for instance, making money.

The truth is, my infatuations allow me to be so loved up that I no longer have it in me to even despair at my reality of singleness. Which is fine by me and fine by those closest to me. But what I don't understand is, why others can't be happy for me when I am so clearly, finally, the happiest a single girl this side of a blog can be?

He Eats Chocolate Raisins

2010-11-19T09:54:00.000-08:00

I think I owe you guys an explanation. Apparently I complain a lot on my blog. Some disgruntled boy seems to think so since he took so much offense to my simply pointing out (in jest of course) that white boys are over. Oh well, basically, this blog IS a place to complain. If you don't complain, there's basically nothing to write about. I find usually the best things to laugh about are the situations that get your panties in a twist. If you're happy, clappy, then you aren't wry or sarky or all that interesting to read.Simple, really.

So I've been neglecting my blog....And the only way I can explain it is, I guess is well, I don't have anything left to complain about....

---------------------------------------------
A Letter to the Imaginary On Finding The Perfect Man....

Dear You,

I guess there never is a last letter that you write to the someone you've been pegging all your hopes, dreams and whatnots to since you could remember. So this isn't the last of course but it is a departure of sorts. I am writing to you, not to beg you or to lament the absence of you but rather, I write because I want to tell you how glad I am that you, for the time-being, do not need to exist.

So what happened you ask? You see when I used to write to you, I lived in the fantasy that you may one day materialise into a real life boy. Someone whole and perfect and everything I had made you up to be. I needed to believe that you would save me from whatever it was that I was running from. I needed to believe that you would be there waiting for me. You just had to find me.

But then one day while I was wallowing in self-pity at having come up short of finding anyone that lived up to you...out of nowhere, I found him.

I found him, just like I thought I would between the black and white. He was standing, quite predictably on the ocean's edge. In him I have found someone who simply makes me want very much to be a better version of myself. In his very existence I have found an immense relief. He is real. He lives and breathes. He has a name. He even has a dog. His voice is his own. He even dreams...big gorgeous dreams of wonderful tangible things. Our worlds, although so very far apart, collide in some places. That very fact, that we collide even on the thinnest string of fate, rejoices me. This is a cliche of the most basic sort but since him, from here on out, I will never be the same. Since him, a part of me will always be whole.

And so I guess, I will have no longer have a need for a figment of my imagination to fill in that gap.

La La La La

2010-10-26T08:06:00.000-07:00

Sorry.
This blog has been seriously neglected.
I'll give you a few reasons...
The first being....I've been in love. Yeah. Really. So you can't rant much about being single when you're so blissfully infatuated.
The second being...I've had a break up. Yeah. Really. Same person I was in love with. Still am...
The third being....well the third being....
Fuck. Who cares?

Here you go...my reason or rather reasons for neglecting this blog.

Why White Boys Are Over

2010-09-28T21:47:00.000-07:00

It's official. White boys are over.

When you live in an Asian country. Surrounded by hot Asian chicks who are mostly gung-ho on bagging themselves some pasty dude, it's time to look for greener pastures. Thank God, I've never been one to shy away from some mixed flavas myself. Teehee.

Why White Boyz are over:
1) Too pasty. (unless they're blessed with skin that tans well and makes them into Golden demiGods...the only Lobsters I wanna deal with are the ones in yummeh seafood restaurants).

2) Too douche-y. (having sniffed around a bunch of wifebeater-wearing, no-lense bespectacled, Fabio-esque 'douchays' last weekend, I decided that douches become UBER-douches when they're surrounded by naive Asian chicks who think they could be the Yokos to the Douche-y 'Oh-Nos')

3) Too stiff. (hurdehur. I mean, as in, white boys generally don't have smooth moves to go with the smooth grooves. I wouldn't go out dancing with a white boy unless of course, he's Wade Robson, Channing Tatum or Justin Timberlake...srsly now).

4) Too boring. (generally white boys tend to get fun only when they're drunk or on drugs. What happened to getting high on life, boyz? Also emo white boys and their emo music...PFFT.Only so much you can take.)

5) Too weak.(White boys in Asian countries? Weak. Can't eat hot curries. Can't smell a Durian. Can't take the boiling heat. Can't go to a squatting loo.Can't bribe the Popo. Can't whack back an angry Aunty...whiny whiny weak. Blech.)

So yeah, white boys are OVER. To all you SPGs (Sarong Party Girls) who are still adamant to taste some Brachwurst in the land of Sushis and Chilli, I wish you well, I wish you luck. For me at least, I'm going to shy away from my 'roots' and sample the delights of the Fusion tables. AK AK.

Sidenote: Saying this, my Mental Husband it has to be said, is undeniably white. So I am a hypocrite of sorts. But then, my mental husband has trekked the North AND South pole, owns basically the world AND has a tan that makes his look like a demi-God. Oh, and he's funny too. So, basically the rules don't apply to him, because he's perfect. Except, maybe, for being white. Hoohoo.

Playa...Puhleasseee!

2010-09-16T23:19:00.000-07:00

Most men think we're stupid...or something. I mean, please give us *some* credit. We haven't lived this long, been through as much shit as we have, to be played by you (and in stupid ways too). Seriously. We are trains and not stations. We have places to be, things to do...we aren't your one stop joyride.

A few things Playas need to regonizzzzeee:

#1 >> Asking us to look at the moon at random times.
Playa, puhlease...every guy who wants to come off as sensitive and soulful has asked a girl to look at the moon. And you know what playa, we seen da moon, we've checked da moon, and it's DA SAME every time yo!

#2 >> Asking us to come over and listen to some music he made.
Playa, puhlease...we know this implies lying on his bed and being really impressed by his musical gifts and fine, if he has real talent this works. However, if he makes music that sounds like whale sounds or if he sits around playing the bongos...we're gonna tell it like it is. Byebye.

#3 >> After a night out when the mood is still high and you're not quite sure what next to do, he offers to come take you to a celebrity after party.
Playa, puhlease...It's cool if you want to impress a girl with your popularity and connections but we also know that the *real* after party you mean, is the 'after party at my body'.

#4 >> Pretend to be really concerned and try to help you get back the yoga lessons that you missed but already paid for.
Playa, puhlease...We're all for you being cute and super helpful and the fact that you prob have a hot body from all that yoga....BUT, we also know that you trawl yoga centres looking for fuck buddies. SEEN! eww.

#5 >> Tell you they feel intimidated by you because you're just so smart and they feel small around you.
Playa, puhlease...If you want a girl to feel as if she's smarter and more awesome than you, don't put yourself down because it doesn't make you look soft and in need of saving. It just makes you look wimpy n sad. Also, let it be known, we KNOW we're awesome. 'Nuff said.

Bang 'Em

2010-09-07T02:13:00.000-07:00

One morning, I woke up and decided to wipe my slate clean. That is to say, the proverbial man-slate...I decided to give it a good scrub. What happened was...I found THEM:

Ladies and gentlemen...
Let me introduce...BIG BANG!
I've lost it. Totally lost it. Lovely K-Bois will be the death of this single girl. Fohshure!! It's so nice to wake up and think of nothing but lovely stalkable K-bois tho. Heehee Hoohoo Haahaa.

My preferences from Fav to Least Fav:
1) TOP
2) G-Dragon
3) Taeyang
4) Seungri

5) Daesung (I've neglected to include a photo of him because a) for some reason Blogger won't let me put him below TOP which is a NONO, and b) he's not cute to me anyway)

TOP!!!


G-DRAGON!

TAEYANG!Holy body moly!

SEUNGRI aka VI

How I Failed At Being A Manic Pixie Dream Girl (MPDG)

2010-08-26T03:31:00.000-07:00

I've been contemplating the MPDG. That's Manic Pixie Dream Girl to you. Who or what is she? Think Zooey Deschanel, think, Natalie Portman, think Holly Golightly. Yes folks, she's that crazy but seriously lovable, impossibly pretty breath of fresh air and bringer of light and hope to all those lovely Lost Boys.

Read more about the MPDG ...HERE

I've been thinking about her a lot. In fact, I've been thinking about her my whole life and I've figured that my whole life has led up to my failing at being the MPDG.

How I failed at becoming an MPDG...a step by step analysis:

STEP 1: I was ugly. I didn't start off being this impossibly pretty thing (well actually I did, I was a really pretty child if I do say so myself) but then braces, bad eyesight and a butch haircut happened. Also, there was a brief period where I did actually look like an old Chinese/Bhutanese peasant lady complete with permed frizz, scarf wrapped around my face and really pale reddish skin. Not good to the ego and certainly not good to be made acutely aware of your ugliness when you are supposed to be an unaffectedly beautiful MPDG.

STEP 2: I got emo. When I sorted my 'petty pretty' troubles out (ie. straightened hair, learned the use of eye makeup & contact lenses), I decided to revamp myself into being a Grunge/Goth Chick and got all existential and emo and decided to stay indoors writing my own eulogies.

STEP 3: I got too dreamy. I actually got really cool at one point and pretty much as close to a MPDG as I possibly could. I lived for nothing in a really cool really posh apartment with a big cat, I partied in all the cool places, I was quite artsy and frequented little record stores, went out with a DJ boy, I even had a cool hobby like writing poetry about people I saw on trains. Yeah! But...being so cool, I started to believe I was a MPDG a little bit TOO MUCH. To the point, I became so oblivious to the real world and decided that I was in fact a character in a film. In other words, the dream girl started to live IN the dream...not good.

STEP 4: I got busy. See, what happened was, I got a job. It was an impossibly cool one at that, but the thing about really cool jobs? You actually have to work to keep 'em. So I started to wake up from the dream and get practical. I didn't have much time to be flighty and carefree and was too tired to be manic.

STEP 5: I met a boy. Then obviously, I had to meet the Dream Boy. Oh you know, that boy lost girls dream about. Tall, beardy, funny, rode a bicycle, read books and played the guitar. So I became the boring girl who had the Dream Boy breath life into my boring life. Figures.

STEP 6: I got angry. Yeah, MPDGs are happy, fun loving people. I on the other hand, wanted very much to put my fist through a wall at any given moment. MPDG + Anger management issues = Plain ol' crazy bitch.

STEP 7: I got real. Decidedly, I sort of realised that I couldn't ever compete with an MPDG nor could I be one. So I decided that if I couldn't be any boy's dream girl, then I had to be my own dream girl. As in, I'd take steps to becoming the sort of girl I dreamt about becoming. And I realised that that girl, wasn't some flighty, manic ingenue...she was someone who wanted very much to do more with her life. A girl with a plan. A girl who actually helped the people that needed help... So I worked and am working on becoming that instead.

And there you have it. How I failed at being the Manic Pixie Dream Girl. Failing though, made me realise I didn't want to be some sad writer boy's fantasy. I wanted to be my own dream girl. The girl who lives her OWN dreams, becomes somebody SHE wants to be.

So to all you fabulous women who have failed at being an MPDG or are in competition with one, don't you worry. You can be a dream girl. It just depends on whose dreams you want to live/be. And hey, being a Real Girl just means you've got more chances with REAL Men. Heehee. ;)

Russian Doll Situations

2010-08-14T12:31:00.000-07:00

It's all very well to have an imaginary husband but you know, imaginary marriages do come with their own set of issues. Here are some of the issues that one encounters with an imaginary hubby.

>> People are always assuming that you are single.

>> Setting aside actual time to spend with your husband and having to justify spending a Friday night in being antisocial.

>> You can't bite his buns.

>> Conversations with him make you look like a crazy person.

>> Imaginary distractions such as pale, blonde, 1000 year old sex on legs vampires and scandalous sexy indie band frontmen.

>> You don't get to spend much time with your imaginary children.

>> Rogue unicorns.

The Unicorn Under Your Bed

2010-08-06T03:51:00.000-07:00

I was reading a tranny's blog when I found myself suddenly in a flutter of panic. This 'tranny' (who isn't really a tranny but a real girl who, try as I might can't be convinced ISN'T one) was getting more action than I'd ever seen this side of the Old Mother Hubbard cupboard.

Pages and pages went on about her past relationships and her potential conquests and knowing that these aren't particular gnomes or trolls of men got me wondering, wow, what does this tranny have that I don't have...subsequently, I thought to myself, OMG, Has it finally come to this? Am I, the last happy single girl, so desperate that I am in competition with a tranny?

To gather my wits about me, I started to make a list of why I am more awesome than this 'tranny'..Call it the Perfect Girl List. I suggest anyone who finds themselves feeling down and feeling jealous of either zit infested sluts, overweight hobags or well, ambiguous She-men, should make their own Perfect Girl list.

Happsgirl's Perfect Girl List:
(alternatively: Reasons I Am Perfect and A Billion Zillion Times More Awesome Than A Tranny List)

1) People don't generally get a fright when they see my face.
2) I have class. This is because I was not raised a hobag and I haven't been caught sucking someone's balls in the toilet of a really seedy club somewhere along a highway (a story that I KNOW is true for some).
3) I am pretty smart and I don't pretend to be smart. I always own up when I don't know what the hell people are talking about.
4) I know who I am. None of this I'm lost and need to be saved business unless of course, you're Eric Northman and you need to protect me from your big 'bad' sexy self. Teeheeheehee.
5) Literatti Glitteratti.
6) I can be quite funny. Like, some people have told me I can be TOO funny. Yah yah, like I can talk about farting quite a lot.
7) I am happy. As in it takes quite little to make me laugh. Like, for instance, 'HERE'S A PUG!'...and I start laughing. See? Easy.
8) I am not precious. I am perfectly capable of cleaning toilets and ironing my own clothes.I don't whine a lot. This is because I was raised by a mother who told me there is nothing tackier than a woman who doesn't wash her own underwear.
9) I like what I do. My job inspires me and I like to think I inspire other people. I secretly also think my job validates me as being better than most people. HAHA.
10) And this is very important, I am better than a 'tranny' because...I do not hide unicorns under my bed.

Disclaimer: This post is not intended to be derogatory to any real trans-gender women. The term 'tranny' here is simply being used as a derogatory term for women I have little respect for. I think real trans-gender women are a lot more awesome than the type of women I brand 'trannies' and for whom I originally intended this list for.

On Love.

2010-08-01T05:27:00.000-07:00

Let me tell you something. Up until not so many years ago, I didn't know what Love was. I couldn't say I knew what it was because, I really wasn't sure. I had not felt it, and I was pretty sure I did not receive it. I didn't witness Love. I thought, maybe Love was just something that happened in fairytales. That Love which makes the world go round, where was it? WHAT was it? I didn't know.

Then one day, I experienced grief. The sort of grief that makes you feel as if you would give up your own life just to make sure someone else got to experience the stuff they missed out on. Grief that makes you realise how fragile your universe is and how much you were willing to give up in the place of someone else. Knowing just how much you're willing to give up was the first component of love I learnt.

Later on, I experienced loss. Not the kind of loss that makes you grieve but the kind of loss that makes you always search for something because you'll never feel quite complete again. When you lose something that made you feel complete, you realise that the thing that made you whole was also a component that made you love.

Later on still, I experienced disappointment and regret which led to disarray. Feeling as if your whole world is crumbling makes you hold on to the things that matter most. I realised from this, Love doesn't always have to apply to the things you thought it applied to. Love was bigger than that.

Recently, I experienced loss again. It is strange to lose someone you thought never loved you. Never figured in your life much. Was always thought of with resentment. Someone whom you were told you should love but whom you couldn't love because you didn't quite know how to. Someone you didn't know how to love because you weren't sure they even wanted your love.

Then one day, that person is gone. Just like that. And you go through the motions of trying to grieve, to mourn, cry a little but you can't because you're still unsure if you love or were loved at all. All there is, is space and you don't really know what to do with that space.

But then it hits you. When you're standing in a room of people who were never quite sure if they were ever loved by this one person and yet there they were, filling up the room and filling up the space, when you watch them mourn something they're not even sure about...it hits you.

It's about filling the sudden space that gets left behind. It is understanding, that after all the wrongs done unto you, that you're still here, and they aren't and that your life is yours and in order to leave something behind, you must be good and kind and grateful to those who make you up. You must Love. Because it is the only thing worthwhile that you can leave behind.

And so I think, after all this, I finally found out what Love is. Love isn't about writing it down or saying it. Love isn't about expression. Love isn't even about feeling tingly or having people in your thoughts. Real Love, the Love that transcends everything else and makes your time on earth worthwhile, that Love...is a verb that fills up space.

On How It Was Supposed To Be & Thereafter

2010-07-28T19:51:00.000-07:00

Well, it's been freakin' 27 years and the way I reckon it should be hasn't happened. The way I thought it worked was, you grow up, you make friends and then one day, some really nice, decent, intelligent person bumps into you on a street and you realise that your whole life led up to him anyway. He'd get you, you'd get him, you'd have fun together, and one day, he'd ask you to marry him.

You buy a house, you have children with him and your life would entail seeing your children grow up, making sure they become good people, having a laugh with him and growing old together. You'd start bickering and fighting of course, you'd even resent him sometimes and need your time outs from each other...you'd seek comfort in your work and your friends. But at the end of the day, you and he have built a home together, the two of you would be what your children see as 'home'. At the end of the day, you'd see him through to the end and so will he. That's how it's supposed to be. It's how I've been raised to believe it will be.

You're supposed to have one big love. Well, at least, I am. And I'm supposed to have met him by now. It was in the plan. I was supposed to know when I met him.

But then I met you. And you were kind and decent, smart, you made me laugh and, you were my friend. And I thought, this would be easy...if I knew, then you'd know too. We'd know that our lives led up to one another. We were supposed to fall in love. Have a laugh together. And one day, you would've married me and there was this bright beautiful future that we were supposed to have together. Yeah, that would've been nice.

Anyway, you didn't love me back. You couldn't. Why? Your life didn't lead you up to me. It wasn't fated. It was simple. How I knew was that when you looked into my eyes, you looked past me. At someone else, who would be waiting for you. You didn't love me. It was simple and cruel of course. How could the person I was meant to be with not love me? I wasn't prepared for that. It was supposed to be easy.

So what now? It's been awhile...I ran away when I knew fate had dealt me a cruel hand. My gripe is, I didn't even believe in The One. I thought there'd be a few...THREE at least! But since you, I've been waiting around. I've been waiting for someone whom my life really led up to. But yet another night of waiting around ensues and I've lost what little hope I had left in me to keep waiting. So I don't hope anymore. And I try not to be bitter because of you. I try to imagine you happy and I try to be the bigger person to be happy for you. And sometimes, when I hear or see you laugh, I genuinely can be happy for you.

And to answer the question of how you get over the one person whom you thought would finally make you whole? Well, you don't really. You never really get over that person. But what you can do is move past them. There's a sort of joyous numb you feel when you wake up one day and they aren't the first thing you think about. It takes time of course, it takes other people too. People who act as distractions. People who make you happy in other ways. A pet maybe.A dog you love so unconditionally and irrevocably because she loves you unquestionably and makes you laugh again.

You work toward becoming the person you want to be. You travel and you watch the way the world works. You wish happiness on others. You live out of yourself because the person inside has been so sad it's best if you kept her away for awhile. But you live. You be free. You start to breath again. And after awhile, you're sort of okay.

But that's just me. I've stopped waiting. He will come if he's meant to come along...that next person. And if not, I think it's okay to be the way that I am. I am less whole, less hopeful, less of what I thought I would be, but I am also here. And that's something you know, that I'm still here.

Matchmaking the Mommy Way

2010-07-15T06:20:00.000-07:00

Desperate times call for desperate measures. In the news recently, I was alerted to a desperate mother who in an attempt to marry her single son off, has created a website especially to find a suitable mate for her beloved offspring.

Read about it HERE

All I can say is, Kudos to the dude for letting his Mom handle his singledom so amicably. It got me thinking about whether it's about time all of us go to Mummy dearest for a bit of help. If you think about it, mothers are probably the best people to help you out of your single situation.

Why we should consider Mama Mia to help us get hitched:

1>>Moms know what's best for you even when you don't know it yourself.

2>>Mothers are usually spot on and are hardly ever wrong.

3>>Mothers know you inside out and can probably gauge the best person for you.

4>> Moms are uncannily good judges of character.

5>>Moms can tell the bad seeds to fuck off.

I read this true story about this man whose Mom wanted him to get married and asked him "So what kind of girl are you looking for?"...The man was watching TV and a popular actress was on screen, so he casually pointed at the TV and said "Someone like her would be good." So the Mom nodded and went off. A few days later, the Mom told the son, "I've set you up on a blind date, you must go." So the man went on the blind date and when he reached the restaurant, what did he find? The very same actress he'd pointed at sitting at the table. The Mom had actually set him up with the actress herself, not some chick who looked or acted like her. And what happened? He ended up proposing to the actress after just a couple of months of dating and they've been happily married for the last 15 years.

Moral of the story: When your Mom asks you what sort of partner you're looking for, make sure someone good is on TV.

Poh-Dah!

2010-07-06T00:55:00.000-07:00

I learned a new fantastic Indian term the other day while negotiating traffic with some fabulous Indian women...

'Poh-dah!' - which basically means, 'WTF? GET LOST!'

It's such an awesome term. Especially...well, when men use THIS (see image below) to hit on you:

I've heard of creative pick ups but when you write "Wanna go for a date, I am single, shy (so the note)....if so, if you're keen (phone number)"...on a crumpled napkin, and then stand in front of your 'victim' while reciting your entire dating CV which includes the line "Do you like sweet things? Coz I'm a pastry chef"...it's time to say....
You got it...

Poh-Dah!

For the Desert Princess

2010-07-03T11:14:00.000-07:00

From today onwards, I will be losing yet another fellow single girl. There is need though, to rejoice this fact, for today, my very beautiful and brave friend will be getting married.

Although it kills me that I can't be there in person, I take comfort in the fact that at the very least I can dedicate a post to her.

For her I want to wish all the love and happiness in the world. I can think of no one better to deserve all this.

And I also want to say this to you, whoever or wherever you are, the reader...if you're single and losing hope, then it is very important that you know this...you should never stop believing that you deserve love.

Because here is one of my best friends, who is getting married not the first, but for the second time. If you asked me, it is because she never really stopped believing in the happiness that she deserved. She is not afraid of taking the leap...toward commitment, toward faith and toward love. For this, I stand in full admiration of her.

From her I have learnt that love is something that comes to you, only if you truly believe that you deserve it. From her I have also learnt that Love will come to you if you love yourself. My dear friend, who has seen me through my single years has always been the first person to encourage me toward looking for and accepting love. I am thankful I have, after all these sad attempts, someone who still believes so greatly that I deserve this great love that I don't always believe I will ever find. Through her finding it, perhaps, my faith grows.

So tonight, as this fabulous friend gets married (again!) I want to congratulate her for being so brave and for believing and teaching me to believe too. I wish her happiness, I wish her prosperity, I wish her passion, I wish her contentment and above all, I wish for her all the intense, great, insatiable love that she really, truly deserves.

A Tranny or a Queen to Quell Your Crush

2010-06-30T02:40:00.000-07:00

So ever since falling in love with the Perfect Man, I've completely neglected to blink or look at real men. This is not good. In an attempt to bring me out of the fantasy (whereby me and Perfect Man are married and sailing on the ocean) and back into reality (whereby the hottest man I've seen lately is on a Calvin Klein poster in a mall) I've decided to post a post to all the *real* and rather memorable crushes I've had in the past...

1st Crush: Bro's Friend (age: 13) (as in my age when I had the crush)
Reason for crush: He looked good in black and wire rimmed glasses.
Reasons for canceling crush: He turned out to be gay. (The fact my 1st ever crush was gay should've pre-empted me for things to come)

2nd Crush: Ryan Kim (age: 17)
Reason for crush: He was Korean and looked like he could grow up to be an architect.
Reasons for cancelling crush: His head was too small for his body, he turned out to be err, stupid.

3rd Crush: Nishan (age:17)
Reason for crush: He was hottest dude in college. His name was sexy. He had a really nice neck.
Reasons for cancelling crush: He left college. I couldn't stalk him. Last I heard, he married a friend's cousin and he's gone fat.

4th Crush: Chris (age:18)
Reason for crush: He had a nice voice. He had a nice face. He had a nice body. He had a nice everything. Plus he was nice to me.
Reasons for cancelling crush: He had REALLY bad taste in women (ie. not fancying me and fancying a girl who apparently *leaked* oil from her arse(TRUE STORY! ), and I became hotter and cooler (TRUE STORY TOO).

5th Crush: Jamie Red Hair (age: 19)
Reason for crush: He had a really really cool dye job. His hair was jet black with striking red at the tips. He also wore an army parka and read literature. He reminded me of a vampire. I was really into Buffy at that point.
Reasons for cancelling crush: He disappeared. *POUT* One semester he was there, the next he wasn't. Maybe he *WAS* a vampire. :(

6th Crush: Mike USA (age:20)
Reason for crush: In a sea of stiff Brit boys, here was a tanned Californian who snowboarded. Also, he loved the 20th century American writers. He also made me laugh on a bus ride. *SCORE*
Reasons for cancelling crush: He went on to date an ugly looking hobag ho bitch. He went back to California and probably got some acne infested fat American girl pregnant. (I'm still bitter about this one, can u tell?)

7th Crush: Eddie Hall aka Paul Frank Beanie(age: 22)
Reason for crush: He used to hang around outside my room window wearing a lot of Paul Frank clothing. I really like the Paul Frank brand. He was hot because he wore Paul Frank. He also looked and sounded aristocratic.
Reasons for cancelling crush: Saw him snogging the HOBAGS OF THE CENTURY who was also my dorm neighbour. He also disappeared.

8th Crush: Ridic (age: 23)
Reason for crush: He's a prince. He has a nice voice. He has *twat* factor.
Reason for cancelling crush: Found out he was a certified asshole.

----------------------------------

Word of advice: It is better to have a slut try and steal your crush than to have a tranny try and steal your crush. But worst of all is to have a slutty tranny get into competition with you. TRUE STORY.

Papa Don't Preach

2010-06-21T09:55:00.000-07:00

So yesterday, in case you didn't know, was Father's Day. We were hit with a barrage of public service announcements on how we should go up to our Dads and thank him, for whatever it is he has done for us, for the sake of love and for being well, our fathers. Following that, I found many a disgruntled woman who decided that they didn't have much to be thankful for when it came to their Dads. It got me thinking, when it comes to our relationships or future relationships with men, are we all ruled by the relationship we have with that first man in our lives? Are our fathers the fore-bearers of all our man-related problems? And after all these years of wisdom and soul searching, I wonder, isn't it time we give Daddy a break?

I might be talking outta my arse here if you've ever had a father who's abused or mistreated or has never met you, but as for us who have fathers who didn't do any of the above I'd like to advocate that if we at any time decided that our singledom or our misguided relationships stemmed from our father-daughter relationships and blame our Dads for it, it's time for us to stop pointing fingers and try at least give our Dads a chance.

Okay, so I'm lucky enough to be one of those rare people whose parents are still together which means I see my father often and he is by all necessary means, a good Dad. Still, I'd be lying if I said that my father-daughter relationship has been a great one. I am part of the millions of women who grow up not really being able to talk to their father and vice versa. He is of the that era of men who don't seem to think that building a communicative relationship with their children is of much importance.

I have also been angry at my father for most of my life, albeit if you ask me, I can't really say why other than perhaps, he is a difficult man to 'handle'. My father is also not one of those men who bend backwards to the whims and fancies of their beloved daughters. Though I am his only daughter, I have never felt like a Daddy's Girl. My father is strict and is not prone to showing or revealing his affections. I have never hugged my father nor has my father ever said that he loved or even liked me.

Still, after years of trying to understand my father and at the same time, trying to get him to understand me, I've decided that we should give each other a break. When you think about it, the relationship between a father and a daughter is one that contains the most levels of understanding to break through. A grown man and a little girl - there is virtually nothing that they have in common. Yet, they are expected to suddenly form this intense, unbreakable bond. Fathers don't have 9 months of pregnancy to form a bond from birth. They are virtually introduced to this baby one day and expected to look after this girl till she grows into a woman and all her life, he is expected to provide for her. Generally, men don't have nurturing instincts...what if they don't like the baby or the little girl that has suddenly come into their lives? What if they feel disconnected from them? What if they generally just don't really make friends with women? How do they cope with this one woman who suddenly expects them to provide the world? Somehow, we expect our fathers to love us despite all this, and they should but sometimes, I can't help but feel that we should cut them some slack.

There ARE things we can be thankful to our fathers for. Personally, I am glad my Dad never beat me (my Mom wielded the cane). I am also grateful to my Dad for passing me his love of books (if he had not stepped in when I was 14 and on a trashy romance novel binge and handed me instead The End of the Affair by Graham Greene, I think things might've turned out badly). The other thing I suspect I can be happy about is that all this time, my own father has cut ME some slack. As much as I'd like to think of myself as this golden child who grew up to be this fabulously perfect woman...I know I was and can be a nightmare. Who carried me between the ages of 2-4 when I refused to walk? Who gave me money when I sent begging letters after shopping binges in Paris? (ok, he didn't know about Paris and my begging strategy was to include subtly the line 'I don't feel like living anymore' for added effect- haha!) Who made me Milo every day when I used to be a bitch about the temperature? Ah yes, the list is long when it comes to the amount of slack he has had to cut me.

So in this post Father's Day post, whereby I didn't bother wishing my own Dad a Happy Father's Day (oh, because I had a fight with him like a month back and I'm trying to prove a point...hawhaw)(More slack cutting on his part there!) I am instead going to honour my father by cutting him the slack he deserves and imploring all my fellow single girls out there who blame their fathers for any number of reasons for their general failures (with men or otherwise) to try at least to start looking on the bright side and stop being angry with them. I know, I know, your father might have left you to fend for yourself, your father might have only said 2 words to you in the last 5 years, your father might not have liked your last boyfriend or your father might not have wanted to give you the crucial support you needed but for all our sakes, let it go. Even if it's just in your head, let it go.

If we don't start to mend (literally or mentally) this first relationship with the first man in our lives, what hope do we have of starting and building subsequent relationships with all the next men out there?

They Might Say Hi, I Might Say Hey

2010-06-13T10:58:00.000-07:00

When you've lost all hope of finding a decent member of the male species in the shores surrounding you, you find yourself resorting to strange desperate behaviour...such as:

>> After watching an Indon music video in a restaurant and noticing the lead singer is crazily hot, you start Youtubing his rumoured sex videos and watch, with mouth agape.

>> Whilst walking around the mall, you notice a hot guy smiling at you and start making eye contact and flirting...only to realise, he's the model in a Calvin Klein ad poster.

>> You have to stop yourself from talking about your Mental Husband like he's your actual husband and literally inviting people to your Mental Wedding like it's your actual wedding.

>> Actually consider inviting a hot 22 year old Himbo you've never met before to your home for some no strings attached fun.

>> Start watching old Boyzone videos and wonder if Ronan Keating is still the slut he was rumoured to be back when he was your 'husband' and consider propositioning him.

>> Think seriously about making a life size standing banner of Eric Northman/Alexander Skaarsgard for your room.

Just You, Me and the Polar Bears

2010-06-03T03:10:00.000-07:00

Right, I'm in a letter writing mood these days. So here goes...

Dear Boyzzz,

The thing is, I'm not particularly cool. I don't go out much. I don't smoke (well, not really, as in, I don't buy cigarettes and I don't inhale), I can't drink (this is not a choice, I would very much LOVE to have a glass of red wine at dinner or get completely pissed and dance the night away but, I'm allergic and unless you want to spend the rest of the night watching me scratch red hives that appear on my body or hold my hair back, me + drinking is no fun), and..I'm pretty crap at flirting (I turn into a deaf-mute in the face of ppl I'm attracted to).

Are you still with me? Another thing, I'm not particularly hot which makes me not particularly popular. I used to wear scrunchies (The SHAME), I'm quite short (I have big thighs and chunky ankles), and sadly, my 'girls' (that's boobies to u) aren't exactly voluptuous. Boohoohoo. My hair is messy but like, crazy messy not Serena Van Der Woodsen hot messy and I hunch sometimes although I'm trying to sort that out (Yogilates!). I'm also not bothered enough to wear contacts so you'll have to deal with a speccy girl most of the time.

But what I can offer is this: I will write you your dreams. I can create an entire universe just for you and make you live forever. I can also make you laugh and I will always dance when you want to. I will hold your hand when you least expect it and I do genuinely want to save the world a little bit. But probably most importantly,what I can offer you is this: you will be the only one.

Oh, right, and women in my family age well so bonus there! Woohoo! I'll age gracefully by your side.

If you can handle all this, then find me already. Please.

Yours truly,
Happsgirl

Letter To My Younger Self

2010-05-23T10:22:00.000-07:00

Dear 19 year old Happsgirl,

If you're doing what I think you're doing right now, I'd like to ask you to STOP right there.

I know you've just picked up the pen and started another 'Dear Someone' letter and started dreaming about everything he is and could be. I know you're making someone perfect up. Someone you're almost entirely sure you'd meet. You've started imagining the fated meeting and the happy ending. I KNOW you're doing this...so PLEASE just stop! I'm here to tell you a few things you might not want to hear but I swear, you'll thank me when you meet me (eventually).

First of all, you need to stop making up the perfect man. I know you imagine him strange, beautiful, kind and with eyes that see you whole. You imagine him to drift on an ocean and find you standing on an island. He will find you, he will see you and he will be impossibly beautiful. Yes, I know what you're already making him out to be. So stop crafting out this imaginary fantastic character right this minute. The more you imagine him, the more impossible he will become.

If you keep this up, you'll end up looking past every single fantastic boy that crosses your path. You'll pick at their flaws. Realise they aren't that imaginary boy and you'll lose them, one by one. That is a sad truth. This is only for your own protection because one day you might very well meet the boy who lives up to the ideal and it will floor you and if you lose him (that is not to say you won't hold on to him) but IF and IF you lose him, you will break. And that will waste a lot of time.

Another thing you need to stop thinking is that in 5 or 10 or 20 years time, you won't be alone. I know, it's a horrible thought. My GOD, how cruel. Not to be getting married at 29 or have kids by 39 or watching your children graduate by 49. But listen carefully, it is VERY possible that you might end up alone. BUT and this is very important...it's going to be OKAY. I'm here to tell you that being alone, is not so bad...if you're prepared for it of course, and this is why I write.

My dear younger self, I wish someone had told me at 19 that Fate might have it so that you may never meet that perfect someone. He may not turn up and hold your hand and pick you up from the rubble. Being alone is a reality and we need to prepare ourselves for it. Start to work on feeling complete all by yourself, don't wait around for that perfect stranger to fill in the empty spaces, be strong, be free and most importantly, be your own woman.

There will be dreams to chase, places to see and plenty of people to care about. You will find yourself happy on many occassions but sadness will be inevitable. The key thing here is, don't wait. Don't waste your time hanging around waiting for the perfect man to show up and save you from whatever it is you're running from. Face your fears, conquer your battles and live not expecting someone to make you happy. Don't be afraid to leap when the opportunity knocks either, find love and give love freely. Don't let those great fun experiences pass you by.

I swear, if someone wrote me a letter like this one when I was your age, it might've saved me a lot of time. But I am here, now, and I look forward to meeting my older self. She might have some good advice...:)

xoxo Current Happsgirl

Good (or very Bad) Advice...

2010-05-20T02:01:00.000-07:00

On receiving a rather big compliment from a rather cute person...I was in the midst of trying to reply a rather nice email when I got stuck. I needed help...so I decided to ask the only readily available person....Pfoooshhh.

Happsgirl: I dunno what to send.

Male Consultant: The question is, is he hot.

Happsgirl: Not bad.

Male Consultant: Then just send it already.

Happsgirl: Yeah, but send WHAT?

Male Consultant: Send the invite...

Happsgirl: What invite?

Male Consultant: To the party!

Happsgirl: ....What party?

Male Consultant: The Par-tay!!

Happsgirl: What PARTY??

Male Consultant: The party...in your PANTS!

Happsgirl: Lord give me strength...

Compatibility = 48%

2010-05-11T09:39:00.000-07:00

I've coined a new term. I am 'mentally married'. That is to say, I am taken. Not like, in real life obviously. But like, in my head, I am no longer available. Tis the folly of finally finding the perfect man. No, I don't mean sort of, kind of, he's a nice guy kinda perfect. I mean, REALLY perfect. As in on a scale of 1-10, 10 being the best of the best, he's a 12 kind of perfect. I mean, checking all the right boxes and then some sort of perfect. Yeah, I actually found him. No, really. HALLELUJAH praise the heavens! He exists! Yes, ladies and gentleman, I am taken. By the perfect man.

How to be 'mentally married' 101:

- Find the Perfect Man (Not an easy feat but achievable)

- Forget that there were any other men before him. (Former Love of Life types are chucked aside like shrubs in a stampede)

- Make sure you convince everyone you are taken.

- When people ask 'Why him?'...give them The List (that is to say, all the points that add up to making him a 12)

- If you are swayed by any other person quickly match them up against the Perfect Man, their shortcomings will make you stay faithful to your Perfect Man.

- Accept that his awesomeness negates the need for his physical presence.

I think I've found the answer to being a truly happy single girl. Get 'mentally married'. Once you are, you'll find that being single isn't actually that difficult.

Twitter Stalking 101

2010-05-04T03:28:00.000-07:00

Twitter is evil. It makes you believe that if you follow someone, you might actually be one degree closer to them. Here's how to get the object of your affection to notice you should he have oh, more than 1000 followers.

1) Re-tweet every one of his tweets.Time is of the essence, the faster you retweet, the more chances he might notice your efficiency. Heehee.

2) Mention him in most of your inane tweets (ie. Today I'm going to listen to Jamiroquai..which reminds me of @HotGuy)

3) Reply his tweets if he asks a question, even if you dunno what the hell he's on about.(ie. HotGuy tweets: Hey, anyone know where the gig is on tonight?? You reply: @HotGuy Yah man, it's just down the road, you going?)

4) Follow all the people he follows.

5) Click on any link he posts and start commenting on the tweetphotos or videos he's posted.

Even if your man has 1 million followers, he might start to notice you if you adhere to these 5 simple steps. Let me know if it works!

How To Tell You're On A Bad Date

2010-04-20T00:50:00.000-07:00

SAD (Single Assholic Dude) : So shall we go back to my place?

FSG (Fellow Single Girl): Okay.

SAD & FSG go to SAD's house.

SAD: So let's just stay in the living room for awhile.

FSG: Ok, can I get a drink? Shall I put on some music?

*SAD goes to make FSG a drink and FSG turns on the music

SAD: Hey, don't put on the music so loud, my Mom is sleeping.

FSG: Ok, then let's just go to your room and listen to the music.

SAD: Oh cannot, that's where my Mom is sleeping.

FSG: Your Mom is sleeping in your room?

SAD: Yah, my Mom sleeps with me.

FSG: But why?

SAD: Cheaper what. We only use one aircond.

*FSG runs home.
*SAD shrugs and goes to sleep with his mom.

NOTE: SAD is a professional in his 30s...his Mom is neither sick or immobile or needs constant care.

How Do You Do Your Eyes?

2010-04-12T02:01:00.000-07:00

Having met an incredibly sophisticated gay man last weekend, I am now nursing a ghey crush on some fabulously ghey gay men. Sometimes I wish I was a gay man...It would be fun. I'd get a lot more action. Yeah.

Ghey Gay Men I'd Do If I Were A Ghey Gay Man:

Adam Lambert
Why? Sex appeal. Check. Tons of eye liner. Check. Husky voice. Check. Tight leather trousers. Check.
I get the feeling Adam might be the kinda guy you can go out with and be the best of your worst self with. Heh. Naughty naughty.

Marc Jacobs
Why? Oh how do I count the ways in which I love Marc-y Marc?? How can you NOT love someone who is gorgeous, funny, smart, fun AND can make you beautiful beautiful garments? He is a wet dream to anybody with a sense of style. I heart Marc. I would want to slip him on any day...or night.

Brian Molko
Why?Yes, if I were a gay man, I would definitely be the big burly butch to this lovely little lamb/girl. Brian Molko who's voice makes slitting your wrist seem cool ('Carved your name into my arm, instead of stressed, I lie here charmed') and who isn't afraid to be strange and slightly obnoxious at a mere 5'4. He is like a drug you would like to try. Mmmm.

Kyan Douglas (from Queer Eye For The Straight Guy)
Why?I LOVE YOU KYAN!!! If I were an emotional gay man I would cry at the sight of lovely Kyan. Oh thee of beautiful hair and flawless teeth...Kyan is the kind of boyfriend any gay man (or woman for that matter) would want. He's polite, quiet, has a great smile, caring and above all, is superbly groomed. Love love love.

Worthy mentions:

Wentworth Miller
Grumble grumble. The love of my life, why do I have to be a gay man to love you? Grumble Grumble.

Wang Lee-Hom
Apparently you're not gay. But I think you are. But if you're not, heaven and earth rejoice.

6 Impossible Things B4 Breakfast

2010-04-05T22:54:00.000-07:00

The Single Girl's 6 Impossible Things:

1) That there will come a point where you don't care anymore.

2) That all men will eradicate the Asshole Gene.

3) That people will stop questioning our singledom.

4) That over-loved up couples will cease to annoy us.

5) That we will stop questioning our physical attractiveness.

6) That the Perfect Man exists.

Askew Me Please

2010-03-26T02:08:00.000-07:00

Ever get that feeling of being SO DAMN FED UP with waiting for a nice bloke to just come up to you and ask you out? Here are some tried and tested ways to strike up a conversation with someone who has caught your attention.

1) 'Nice hair. You're straight, right?' (Caution: this has to be done with extreme flirty flair. Don't come across as a scary butch lesbian who may be into pretty boys. Make sure it looks like a compliment and not an insult).
If the boy answers 'No, does it make me look gay?' Follow up with something slightly insulting but flirty at the same time. If the boy answers 'Yeah, I am'...then follow up with something fag-haggy like 'Then darling, you have to give me the name of your stylist.'

2) 'Hi, you're hot. Do you wanna be in my photo shoot?' (Caution: Only do this if you have the credentials to back up your lie, or if you really DO want him to be in a photo shoot).

3) 'Our friends seem to be hitting it off. Shall we watch?' (Caution: Make sure your friend really is hitting it off with his friend. Also don't come across as a pervy ho trying to get in on some threesome action. More so, don't get so engrossed in watching you forget who you're concentrating on)

4) 'Scuse me, I don't know you' (Caution: This is best done at your own house party, or at least, at a house party where you can pretend to be the hostess...alternatively, if you've got enough panache, you can do this anywhere)

5) 'Me and my friend made a bet that you can't carry me' (Caution: Only do this with someone who looks like he can lift you like a feather. Please don't challenge someone who looks like he might have a hernia if you jumped into his arms)

6) Some loser is trying to hit on me. Can you pretend to be my boyfriend for awhile? (Caution: Please make sure he is NOT taken and available to play boyfriend duties...)

Have you tried an alternative pick up and it worked? Tell me about it! Us single girls could use all the tips we can get!!!

I Hate Hello Kitty

2010-03-24T04:33:00.000-07:00

Let's face it...We're not spoilt for choice. Men out there are either taken, gay, crazy, assholic, players... or dead. Men our age...as in men in the 25-35 age bracket who aren't any of the previously listed things, who are single, available, cute, nice and decent? Hah! Have you met one? Do you know him? If you do...can you give him my number?

Why must we restrict ourselves to this mad notion that we should date within age check boxes? If you're in the 25-30 check box, most probably, your ideal man is in the same check box or the one directly after it. If we happen to be dating out of those check boxes ie. the 35-40 or the 20-25 boxes, it wasn't really by choice, we happened to meet just a great guy who was a little older or younger than us. But rest assured, when we dream about our dream guy, he's usually, probably, a check box not far from ours.

Like it or not, age is a deciding factor when it comes to choosing partners. But I think we're being too restrictive on ourselves here. Why SHOULD age be a factor when all things considered, it's probably the least important of factors? Sure, with age comes maturity but so does knowledge and upbringing.

I say this because, you know, with all this talk of cougars, we're all becoming slightly afraid of dating out of our age bracket. And believe it or not, this dilemma is all the more tragic for us, 20-something almost 30 types. I kid you not. Why? Well, for one, we're too bloody old to be the hot young nubile thing. And then we're slightly too green to be that sophisticated, confident Mrs. Robinson. So where do we stand? We're bound to the men who are in our age brackets simply because men out of our age bracket don't see us.

I'd like to advocate for the Hello Kitty version of a cougar (ie. cougars below age 35). There isn't even a term for us. We're just considered former party girls grasping on to the last vestibules of their wild days before morphing into the fantastic over-35-year-olds when we won't give a shit about what people think.

It's a strange crossroads to be the under-35 cougar. I mean, for one thing, men over 10 years our junior are hardly out of high school adding to the taboo of the situation. And for another, we're hardly mature enough ourselves to be considered bonafide cougars. So where do we stand? Are we ALLOWED even to date those lovely young boys that tempt our hearts?

I say YES. Young boys are just...tempting. And, well, better. (Men our age are few and far between and men older are, well, kinda dirty.) And for want of another reason other than all the generic 'younger men rock' reasons...Consider (being this age) to be your last chance to go out with a young boy and still pass for his girlfriend instead of being mistaken for his err...mother.

This is my theory: I think we should celebrate the fact that at least, we're still at an age where we are not held accountable for wearing hot pants (although, in my opinion EVERYONE who isn't Kylie Minogue should be held accountable for wearing hot pants) or sporting Hello Kitty t-shirts. We're sort of at that border of being forgiven for it. (Although I personally, wouldn't forgive myself for sporting either). So if we can be forgiven for wearing hot pants and Hello Kitty t-shirts, we can be forgiven for dating delectable 20 year olds.

So go on, now's your chance to date out of your check box. Hell, date WAY below your check box. It may be your last chance to still be able to wear Hello Kitty and be a proud, sexy cat...

Dreams Obscene

2010-03-18T02:34:00.000-07:00

5 Reasons Why Eric Northman is the perfect fantasy:

1) He's 6'5, blonde, muscular and Nordic.

2) His bloodshot eyes and his perfectly white fanged teeth are sexy as hell.

3) He is loyal and smart.

4) His 1000 year old wisdom has given him a sense of humour.

5) He can fly.

The Tempting Taken Man

2010-03-15T06:03:00.000-07:00

So you spot a beenie. He's fine. He's cool. He's nice to you. And then just when you think, 'hmmm', he introduces you to his lovely wife.

Damn your principles....there is a type of man who would make you consider being 'the other woman'. Should these thoughts ever cross your mind though, (DANGER DANGER!) here are a few things you can do to steer away from those evil thoughts or actions (:P)...

>> Be friends with his wife (if she's nice to you, it'll up the guilt factor), if she's a bitch, take comfort in the fact that he might have really bad taste in women.

>> When you see him and your heart goes 'doop doop doop' quickly visualise your fantasy man instead. If you don't have a fantasy man...imagine this: Brad Pitt's toned glistening body in that steamy scene in Troy.

>> If you've decided to Facebook stalk the TTM, scan his pics for happy family pics...if he has kids, look long and hard at those pictures and think about how they'd take your being a homewrecker.

>> If your TTM's pics happen to involve happy family pics of him looking hot on the beach or if looking at pics of him and his beautiful daughter/son make you want him more...close the window and open THIS window instead.

>> Find out if your TTM has a hotter, younger SINGLE brother.

Whatever you do...AVOID:

>> Arranging to meet him on the sly.

>> Ask him if he's happy with his wife.

>> Stare longingly at him any chance you get.

>> Buy night vision goggles to stalk him outside his family home.

Anticipating The Weekend

2010-03-08T00:07:00.000-08:00

Here are some things you should do should you want to attract male attention:

1) Be pretty : never go out without your makeup and nice-smelling hair.
2) Be happy: smile a lot and don't be afraid to laugh out loud.
3) Be 'syok sendiri': Love yourself, if you think you're hot, chances are people will think the same.
4) Be flirtatious: Toss your hair, smile with your eyes, giggle.
5) Be tactile: A well placed hand on arm, a careless hug, a brush of the foot will go a long way.

Here are some things you shouldn't do should you want to attract male attention:

1) Pile on so much makeup you're a cross between Donatella Versace and Bozo the Clown.Have unwashed hair or a shaved head (unless u're Natalie Portman of course)
2) Laugh like a hyena or snort uncontrollably while laughing.
3) Start announcing how hot you are at a party (or whichever crowded area you find yourself in) to get freebies.
4) Come on too strong: Don't suffocate him with your boobs, don't toss your hair into his face, don't stare him down then lick your lips mouthing 'I want to get nasty withchoo baby'.
5) Throw your arms around him and refuse to let go, pin him to a wall and suck face with him till he turns blue, grab his groin as you walk past him.

Filed Under Miscellanous

2010-02-28T22:54:00.000-08:00

More reasons to avoid local men...

*In the car after dinner*

SAD (Single, Assholic, Despo) Man: Shall we go to my place?

FSG (Fellow Single Girl): Thanks for dinner but I think I better head home, I'm tired.

SAD Man: But like, I have games in my place. Come over.

FSG: No thanks, I think I better get home, I have to be up early.

SAD Man: Just come for a bit, we can watch TV.

FSG: I don't want to come over to your place.

SAD Man: But, why?

FSG: Look, I'm not going to sleep with you ok?

SAD Man. *in whiny baby voice* But..but...I WANNNNNNNN!!!

*FSG gets out of car*

To All The Boys I've Loved Before....

2010-02-23T01:33:00.000-08:00

Fantasy husbands and fantasy boyfriends are the best. I mean, I have them to thank for my incredibly warped ideas on the kind of person I should be with. So in ode to their famous fabulous selves, here is a list of the fantastic fantasy hubbies of my past:
In chronological order (teehee)...

1) Ronan Keating
Years of marriage: 2 years (1996-1998)
How I proved my love: On top of the list was refusing to talk to my mother for 2 weeks until she caved into taking me to a Boyzone concert. The only time I did talk to her was to scream 'YOU JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND!' when she questioned why a stupid boy band was so important. I am also STILL the proud owner of 2 Boyzone Tshirts and a couple of copies of the Boyzone official magazine.
Reasons for divorce: Boyzone broke up and he became a solo artist asshole.

2) Joshua Scott Chasez (JC Chasez)
Years of marriage: 4 years (1998 - 2002)
Years of eternal love: 12 years (1998 - Current)
How I proved my love: I once wrote an email to JC and accidentally forwarded it to all my cool friends who were quite unaware to the extent of my FANaticism and thought I listened to Radiohead. I've also bought a couple of tops that resemble the type he wore in the 'Its Gonna Be Me' video. On the 8th of August every year I will still secretly wish him a Happy Birthday. On many of my notebooks are scribbled the initials JC of which some of my college mates thought meant I was super religious (JC= Jesus Christ too).
Reasons for love hiatus: He started wearing yellow PVC pants and grew long greasy curls. I love him back now tho!

3) Brandon Boyd
Years of marriage: 2 years (2003-2005)
How I proved my love: In my 3rd year uni room, there was only one poster on the wall - a giant black and white photograph of Mr. Boyd where I liked to think I worshipped at his feet. When a friend of mine showed me a pic of his friend taken with Brandon on the day after I found out I didn't get tickets to an Incubus concert, I wrote him a suicide note saying he'd pushed me over the edge.
Reasons for divorce: He got together with Carolyn Murphy and I thought, can't compete with that.

4) Wentworth Miller
Years of Marriage: 3 years (2005 - 2008)
How I proved my love: When Facebook was still a relatively new phenomenon without stupid security features and moderators, I created a Wentworth Miller profile so my status could read 'Married to...Wentworth Miller' - it stayed that way for a whole year before the moderators removed my fake profile (Grrrr)
Reasons for divorce: I found out he was gay.

There you have it, past husbands of my colourful fantasy love life. Admit it, who was yours?

Everything Is Opposite

2010-02-21T08:12:00.000-08:00

You know they say that given enough time, you can recover from anything. And when you're in love...or at least when you THINK you're in love, you think this is impossible. You tell yourself you will never be the same, you've changed, the shift in your universe is too huge...that person has made your whole future, past and present a different shade.

HAH.

You CAN forget. You can become exactly the person you were before THAT one person who damaged you forever.

How? Here's how:

Lose yourself. Lose everything that you knew... and when everything is lost, only collect back the pieces that don't contain scars of him/her.

---------------------------------------------------------

I came across a remnant of you by chance today and I guess, today of all days, I should've been thinking about you. But today was just like any other day... I laughed, I relaxed, I played with my hair..Today I even watched a love story and you weren't there at all. I tried though, when I held that remnant of you in my palm...I tried to conjure you up in my mind. I tried to feel some pang of regret, or pain even. I tried to remember your laugh,your voice, the way you made it so much better just by being there. I tried to capture that image of you that always made my insides twist. I tried...I really tried. But, nothing. There is nothing left of you in me...so HAH.

Epilogue to Valentine's Day

2010-02-16T10:14:00.000-08:00

Valentine's Day this year coincided with Chinese New Year. This has special significance, seeing as it almost never happens and Feb 14th this year meant that more people were celebrating the love they had in their lives.

In the build up to V-day or S.A.D (Single Awareness Day), there was an abundance of rom-coms on TV and everyone who had anything to say came out of the woodwork to write about why it was so great to be either partnered up or single...

And it got me thinking, why is it that V-day is always viewed as a celebration of romantic type love only? What about all the other loves in our lives? Are they not warranted at the very least, a cursory raising of a glass too? On Valentine's Day, are we meant to push aside everything else we have in our lives to love and only celebrate our partners or mull solemnly on the lack of?

Love should be celebrated on Valentine's Day. I truly do believe that. It is a day that reminds us that there is after all, something wonderful called Love. But I don't think we should be so rigid as to what kind of Love we are celebrating.

Why is it that single people are meant to suddenly feel ashamed at their lack of having a partner? Or come out in droves defending their choice to be single? Why is that that partnered people have to insist upon themselves to announce their bliss of being in a couple?

This romantic type Love...it is not something that may happen to everyone of us. Even those of us who have a partner may still be waiting for it. When will The One turn up? When is someone going to grow into becoming The One? When will The One save me from everyone else?

We've spent so much time waiting. And waiting has made us utterly miserable. Why can't we celebrate our lives and the Love we have in it right now? If we celebrated what we have right now then we wouldn't have to wait at all.

I don't know...but here's a thought....instead of being single and trying to defend our right to not be in love or being in a relationship and trying to defend your right to be in love...why don't we just celebrate Love? That way, at least I think, we may not miss out on how fantastic our lives actually are right now.

Be Open, Be Free

2010-02-10T20:45:00.000-08:00

HAHA. I knew this would happen sooner or later:

How to flirt: lessons for women

The PUA (Pick Up Artist) equivalent for women...which basically asserts that we have to have an open, approachable aura if we want men to talk to us.

Ok. Noted.

Stuff you shouldn't do if you want men to approach you:

1) Come with a gaggle of girlfriends who want to talk about their impending weddings.

2) Hang out with a gaggle of gay-friends and lead the convo by insulting everyone's fashion sense.

3) Make a disgusted face when a guy looks at you.

4) Make a disgusted face then go on to tell your friends to stare down said guy who looks at you.

5) If a guy says Hi, don't shoo him away with a wave of the hand.

As for men, if you want women to respond to you, please avoid doing THIS:

Guy: Hi girls!

Happsgirl: *shoos guy away with handwave*

FSG: Err, I think this guy wants to talk to us. (to guy) Hi.

Guy: What are your names?

Happsgirl: I'm Mischa, she's Rachel (aka, Mischa Barton & Rachel Bilson from the O.C.)

Guy: Wow you guys have such nice names!

FSG: Thanks. What's your name?

Guy: I'm RAFFER.

FSG/ Rachel: What?

Guy: RAFFER!

Happsgirl/Mischa: How do you spell that?

Guy: RAF-FER - It's spelt R-a-p-h-a-e-l.

Happsgirl/Mischa: Oh, Ra-fah-el

Guy: No, it's RAF-FER.

FSG/Rachel: Er, I think it's Ra-fah-el.

Guy: Oh, some people pronounce it Ra-fah-el, but for me it's RAF-FER. Call me RAF-FER.

Happsgirl & FSG: ......

Someone To Make Jja Jang Myun

2010-02-08T06:33:00.000-08:00

What I've learnt about love from Korean dramas:

1) Love almost always starts off as hate in the beginning.

2) Love is waiting around a lot for the other person.

3) Love involves a lot of fighting over Jja jang myun or Bibimbak.

4) Love is not wanting to hurt the other person.

5) Love is wanting to protect someone from other idiots or hos.

6) Love often blooms from a sticky situation you can't get out of.

These Koreans are so smat.

Another Nutty Post

2010-02-01T22:35:00.000-08:00

Korean Beach House on Jeju Island

Alright. Let me just go right ahead and say it.

I've spent the past 3 days feeling sorry for myself and holing up at home watching Korean love dramas.

The funny thing about love dramas is that, they suck you into believing that the story is yours. That maybe, you're the one that has lived this. That you want, more than anything else, to have a happy ending.

And so, in some twisted corny way, I want to live happily ever after in a house by the sea with a handsome, tanned Korean man for whom I can make bibimbap for.

This is now the new dream.

But the new dream does not allow for any of reality to seep in. Before, when the dream was a scruffy but posh boy who read books and played the guitar, it allowed for reality. I *could* meet that tall boy who worked in a bookshop.

But I can't meet a handsome Korean model/guy who lives in beach house. Why? Because I would probably have to buy tickets to a Rain concert in Seoul for that to happen. And in any case, the only Korean I know are side dishes to Korean BBQ. Oh and another thing, I look about as Korean as a Swiss roll.

Life is unfair. I was told to look East for the man of my dreams. I did. But nobody told me the man of my dreams will only exist on the TV screen.

Meow Schmeow

2010-01-29T00:31:00.000-08:00

I know I may be too young to be a cougar (hey, I'm still on the bright side of 30...at least I like to think so) but I really think, when it comes down to it, cougars may have it completely right after all.

THIS ARTICLE asserts why you shouldn't be ashamed should you be tempted to sample the delights of the younger man(hood).

Yes. I say this because I found myself consoling a freaked out FSG the other day over her attraction toward a young man over 10 years her junior. I thought to myself, why the hell should she be freaked out? He's nice and he's legal and he likes her. Had this been a 20 yr old woman lusting over a 30 year old man, there would be no problems there.

Perhaps we are all viewing the cougar analogy wrongly. Perhaps instead of a mean, predatory cat, we should celebrate the cougar for being a majestic, confident and a helluva sexy pussy...

Meowrrr :)

Massaasshh For You?

2010-01-27T00:39:00.000-08:00

Whoever said that money doesn't buy love obviously hasn't stepped foot in South East Asia.

Anyway, if you're still looking for a man who's got the Gs, here's a run down of things to look out for in a few Asian hunting grounds.

Singapore: This is the city that gave birth to the SPG (Sarong Party Girls). For men, Singapore is where you should go if you're a) white b) rich and c) into skinny Asian chicks. In Singapore the prevailing sentiment is that expats are the shiny thing at the end of the dark tunnel as local Singaporean men are thought to be losers. So girls, listen up, unless you're an expat yourself, you don't stand a chance of competing with the gazillion other chicks here who want to hook themselves a foreign, rich, handsome man.

Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia: Men here are basically ugly. Saying that, they know that money may just be the only thing that they've got going for them. So if you're looking for a rich, beautiful man to hook up with in Kuala Lumpur, you're in competition with well, the entire single female population. However, if looks aren't really your thing, and you're an attractive woman, this may just be the city du jour to snare yourself a rich man.

Bangkok, Thailand: Unfortunately, this is a city where sex is literally up for sale anywhere you look. The prevailing logic here is that sex could lead to love. Offer enough sex and someone will get hooked enough to take you up for the long term. Ladies, beware of making this your hunting ground... gorgeous as Thai men may be, this may be the only city where they're also your main competition. LadyBoys are very aggressive!

Jakarta, Indonesia: Well now, Indonesia may have thousands of islands to choose from but remember, Indon men are generally lazy. Which make the women twice as more hardworking than you are. I have heard stories where Indon women are willing to literally wait hand and foot on men just to have the men treat them to dinner. If you've got the metal to do whatever it takes whatever the circumstances to snare a man with the Gs, this is the city for you!

Kimchii Ramen

2010-01-21T18:53:00.000-08:00

I've found reason to look East when looking for a husband. Next stop: Seoul, Korea.

Five reasons why Kimchii should be your new favourite food...

Top to Bottom: Daniel Henney, Dennis Oh, Kim Sung Soo, Rain, Oh Ji-Ho

In The Sky With Diamonds

2010-01-17T08:50:00.001-08:00

One of the reasons I started this blog was to remind myself, and others like yourself, that maybe being single isn't so bad. Saying that, I would still like the picket fence and that whole soulmate thing, if it's there for the taking. Unfortunately, with prospects looking bleak, that isn't much of an option at the moment.

In all seriousness, due to the sudden realisation of how old I am getting, I've started wondering about what I would settle for in a bid to not be alone for the rest of my life.

And the answer is this: I wouldn't.

People in all shapes and sizes have encouraged me, at the start of this year to be open to options. "Don't be the stuck up closed off weirdo you always are, Happsgirl...", "Give people a chance Happsgirl." "Please stop having all these high expectations, Happsgirl"...
and I tried...I really did. I started exploring my options. I even tried to give up my crushes in a bid to be open to new prospects. I went to a fortune teller. I started wondering about existing male acquaintances...I questioned myself and what I would want a LOT.

Then it hit me one night while I was reading a magazine and stumbled across a picture I couldn't tear my eyes away from. It was this incredibly normal looking man who painted flowers...and he seemed like the most beautiful thing I've ever come across. What I realised is this:

I'd rather be alone than end up settling on my dreams.

I don't want just anybody. I've made it thus far alright living and being alone. If I can't have what I want, I don't want anything (or anybody) at all.
Call me an idiot but I believe in that one time violent thing that happens to you. I believe in Fate and Serendipity. I believe that Love is supposed to come along and sweep you away. I believe in a beautiful boy who may save me. I believe in someone who will see me completely. I believe in a fantasy.

And people used to be able to say, "Oh, that will never happen...He doesn't exist...You're dreaming of a character"...
And I used to believe them. I used to think that someone who blurred the lines between fantasy and reality didn't exist.

But then I met him.
And sure, he wasn't everything I conjured up in my fantasies. But he was beautiful. And meeting him was sheer chance. And for a splendid moment there, he saw me.

I knew that if he could exist, so could all my other ideals of Love.

So I think I'll pass. Pass on the people who aren't meant for me. Pass on all the people who just
'aren't'. They aren't what I want. It's as simple as.
And if I have to settle for what I don't want, I think I would be happier having nothing.

Bad Honey Orange Mocha Frap

2010-01-13T00:15:00.000-08:00

Update:

- Pseudo-Crush is no longer a pseudo-crush. Seeing as, he turned out to be, oh, just as VAPID as someone who drives a ******* and calls himself **** ***** and who only dates models can be.

- My gay husband refuses to go on a date with me. So my status as Hag No.1 is quickly diminishing...

- Ridic has been spotted working out at the gym near my house. Hallelujah! I am not signed up to that gym. Booyah :(

- A male friend told me I'm exactly the kind of girl guys are looking for. Score! But as for himself, he wouldn't date me. Huh?

- Men in general are being super rude to me.

In conclusion...as of January 2010, men are all idiots.

Year of the Gentleman

2010-01-10T18:41:00.000-08:00

The lack of true gentlemen in our vicinity has really put a downer on the hope that maybe one day a Prince Charming might come along to sweep us off our feet.

Seeing as I have recently been in the presence of the ULTIMATE gentleman, Mr. Ne-Yo himself, it got me thinking about all the right things men should do to keep women interested and happy around them.

- Appreciate our presence. (Just like Ne-Yo regrets leaving his baby girl in the song Fade Into The Background)

- Don't take us for granted. (Ne-Yo makes a list of all the things he took for granted and makes it Part Of The List)

- Don't be rude to us. (Ne-Yo is so polite he offers to be our boyfriend in Single)

- Always offer to help. (When you're sad, Ne-Yo offers to take you out for calamari, and asks the sun to stop shining So You Can Cry)

- Pick up the tab once in awhile. (Again, chocolicious Ne-Yo appreciates that a woman can be a Ms. Independent and pay her bills but he can look after her too)

We (my FSGs and I) have decided that since we started off 2010 by witnessing this choco-gentle-man that 2010 should really be The Year Of The Gentleman. So let's clasp our hands in prayer and hope that this year will bring us fewer assholes more gentle, kind, worthy men.

Flowers For Me?

2010-01-04T20:39:00.000-08:00

The problem with having no good candidates in your life is that you start fantasising about the kind of men that you want.

Unfortunately, the two men I've started fantasising about are:

1) Brandon Flowers

Problems: He's married. He's a Mormon. He's the frontman of The Killers. He's like super famous. And oh, Bally has called dibs on him ages ago. Tricky, tricky.

But I once wrote him a letter when he was still single and not so famous. Maybe I should send it.

2) Flower-painting Guy

Problems: I only discovered him last night. I've only seen half his face (the pic in the magazine was only side profile :( ). He lives in New York. He is most probably gay. Sniff Sniff.

Maybe I should send him a letter too. His website has a contact sheet. Yay.

Look Toward The East

2010-01-03T05:50:00.000-08:00

So anyway...I've been told...by a pretty reliable (and expensive) source that if I was going to have any success with finding a husband, I have to look East.
My list of places to search for potential husbands:

China
Hong Kong
Japan
Taiwan
Middle East

I'm so screwed.

Foot in Mouth

2009-12-30T20:09:00.000-08:00

let’s say you’ve met a man who you like. and he’s asked for your phone number. you feel warm and fuzzy inside and almost burst when he calls you to ask you out.

when preparing for your date, you feel the excitement and anticipation coursing through your bones. you meet him and he takes you for a nice dinner. over dinner, the both of you engage in conversation.

when the date ends, you feel a stab of disappointment that such potential fizzled out as quickly as it started.

was it because he said any one of these things?

- i usually don’t date girls who look like you. did you know my ex used to be a model? she was in FHM before.

- i hope none of my friends see us here.

- my parents? i don’t really know. haven’t seen them in over three years cos i'm too busy with work and playing WoW.

- i really enjoyed this date, dawn. (but your name’s karen)

- wow, look at the tits on that waitress. c'mere baby! HONKA HONKA!

- so how’s your health lately? did i tell you i work part time as an insurance agent and my company has just introduced these new schemes that i think would be suitable for you.

- oh, you live in the same neighbourhood as me! what a coincidence! anyway, i enjoyed dinner tonight. let me walk you to the bus stop as it's on the way to my car.

- what are you doing for christmas? want to spend it together? (and it’s only july)

- oh dear, i seem to have left my wallet at home (says this while waiter is hovering with the bill)

- my wife and i aren’t divorced yet. we’re just going through a trial separation to see how it is living apart. if we do get divorced, i hope i get custody of our seven kids.

- huh? michael jackson’s dead? since when? i don't really keep up to date with the news.

- oh my god! i totally read the sweet valley series when i was a teenager too! my favourite character is ned wakefield! such a dreamboat!

- what did you eat again? including service charge and GST, you owe me $42.10. but it's okay, just pay me $42.

- is it raining? oh man, i don't want to get my new perm wet!

- i don't usually sleep with women on the first date but for you, i'll make an exception.

- yes, drinks sound like a nice idea. let me call my mom first to let her know cos i'll be staying out past my curfew

The 2010 Single Girl

2009-12-29T19:39:00.000-08:00

From Craigslist:hot guy selling my underwear – 24 (albany)
I’m a 24 year old guy trying to make some extra cash selling my underwear or other items you’re into. E-mail and let me know what you want and what you want done to them.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Ok, enough with the complaining and sad jokes for now...2010 is about the happy single girl. Be happy, be free and be open to options I say.

In ode to the new year, here's a few things you need to keep in mind to be 2010's happy single girl...

>> Don't see in the year feeling lonely. (I don't want to hear of single girls seeing in the TwentyTen cooped up somewhere sad and alone. Go out, get some friends over, and see it in singing and laughing)

>> Don't think of being single as the new sad thing. Being single is cool and fresh and fun.

>> Keep a list of cheap thrills. (The holiday season is the best time to be at your flirtiest, cheap thrills will be abundant)

>> Don't think of the next year as another year you're slipping toward spinsterhood. Think of it as another year you're free from the shackles of wife/strife-dom.

>> When people ask you why you're still single...the new year's answer will be: 'Because 2010 is an Asexual year'.

>> If people ask you when you're going to get married the new year's answer will be: "I'm waiting for 2012, let's see if the world ends before I get married eh?"

We forget in our desperation to be thankful for what we have. And what exactly do we have? Well, for starters, we have a whole year ahead full of new hot men and more time to seek out those elusive great ones we keep harping on about.

Subway Sandwich

2009-12-22T00:56:00.000-08:00

I don't think I get signs of interest that men give me. I'm the sort of girl who is oblivious to all these mild flirtations. If you like me, please tell me straight. Don't try and give me strange signs and expect me to pick up on it.

Example 1:

Boy brushes hair from off my face. (I think he's trying to pull one of my white hairs out)

Example 2:

Boy tells me to sleep on his duvet. (I neglect to comprehend it's an invitation to sleep underneath the duvet WITH him)

Example 3:

Boy asks me to watch him change. (I think it's coz he wants my fabulous fashion advice)

Example 4:

Boy tries to inadvertently put arm round me. (I think it's coz he needs me to prop him up coz he's too drunk)

Example 5:

Boy tries to offer me a job when he has no money himself (I think he's trying to scam me)

Example 6:

Boy sends me topless photo of himself (I think he's asking me for work out tips).

Turn Your Head Now Baby

2009-12-20T19:13:00.000-08:00

Repost from Potsie:

So apparently not all relationships start with a “will you be my girlfriend?” followed by a hug. How do you know its the starting point if no one pops the question? It’s important cos you’re supposed to get presents every anniversary. Personally, I prefer the type of relationship where you celebrate every month. More presents.

Here are some hints:

1) After the first kiss - Michelle Douglas (2007). His Christmas Angel. Chatswood Aus: Harlequin Mills & Boons

2) After falling into bed (cos they so lustful for each other) – Susan Donovan (2002). Knock Me Off My Feet. New York USA: St Martin’s Press

3) After reading stories to his grandmother - Julia Quinn (2006). It’s In His Kiss. Great Britain: Piatkus Books Ltd

4) After ‘accidentally’ putting his mouth on her boob cos there was a bee sting – Julia Quinn (2006). The Viscount Who Loved Me. Great Britain: Piatkus Books Ltd

‘Accidental’ senarios are good cos that way you can blame it on the accident and not your hiaoness therefore maintaining your sacredness and purity.

Glossary:

Hiaoness - Kegatalan / Horniness

I Hear You're Living Outta State

2009-12-19T02:21:00.000-08:00

In fantasy:
You are tall, beautiful and slightly sad. You hold the universe in your hands. You can tell me stories that never end. You make me laugh just by being in the room. You walk hand in hand with me even in our dreams. You are a prince that has a pauper's wisdom. You have a crooked smile and messy hair. You can play the guitar. You like books that I like. You write letters to me in your head. You can dance with me in the moonlight. You make me feel safe. You are never late. You can talk me to sleep when I'm scared. You love only me, always have, always will. You are immortal as am I.

In reality:
You're a vampire character in a badly written book.
Oh poo.

Homemade Meat Balls

2009-12-16T18:25:00.000-08:00

Repost from Potsie:

when i was 5, i thought i’d grow up looking like barbie doll. cos my grandma said so. back then, i didn’t know grandma’s love could be so biased.

when i was 5, i had my first crush. i slow danced with that boy. he proceeded to put his hands into his shorts to scratch his butt. then placed it back on my shoulder.

when i was 13, i thought i’d marry jonathan taylor thomas. i thought we were truly MFEO. i’d memorize his biodata (source: tigerbeat magazine) and discovered we had the same passions. i’d do “are you what JTT is looking for??” quizzes and get all the right answers. my love knew no boundaries. i thought i’d move to US of A and marry him.

i’m now 27 and the day is exceptionally good if i get to pangsai twice. full load, mind you.

Glossary:

MFEO - Made For Each Other

pangsai - poop

The Importance of Poo

2009-12-15T08:50:00.000-08:00

It occurred to me that no single woman can be a happy single woman if she does not have other single woman around her to bitch about being single with.

That said I am immensely thankful for the many many girls who have made being single actually look and feel quite cool.

Just a shout out really to name but a few...

Potsie - For understanding the importance of poo. And for demonstrating how big an elephant's dingaling actually is.

Pervy Piscean - For reminding me everytime she sticks her hand down some male model's jeans that being single 'feels' really good.

Kiaks - For showing me that you can make neurotic rants look sexy.

Ms. M & Ms. J - For making me feel like I'm not alone everyday.

Mili - For being the sort of single girl I want to be when I grow up.

But the not so single girls that I know are also worth a mention, they make me feel like I could never really be alone...

Desert Princess - For being the person I would marry had you been born a man. Why? Why? Can't I find a man like you?

Bally - For teaching me about the importance of juggling balls.

Prontip - For teaching me practically everything I know and for not succumbing to peer pressure and becoming my actual lesbo partner. Kaka.

Kachuak & Tek - For being the sort of girls I want to mould myself into because you're the marriageable types.

Married or Engaged

2009-12-13T22:51:00.000-08:00

Things I thought I would be by the time I hit my late 20s:

1) Engaged

2) Married

3) Pregnant

4) Living in a big foreign city

5) Hotter

6) Thinner

7) Richer

8) Own a fabulous wardrobe

9) Broken many hearts

10) Be on the way to having a white picket fence

Ye of Little Faith (part II)

2009-12-10T23:19:00.000-08:00

See, you can't even rely on men to have a little faith in you...

UMF (Unsuspecting Male Friend) says:

What do I get outta the marriage?

Happsgirl says:

A good wife.

UMF says:

my idea of a good wife is a lil different

Happsgirl says:
whats a good wife to u?

massage ur feet every day ah?

UMF - says:

ah i rather not be too explicit
might scare u off

Happsgirl says:

i can hire people to do that for u

if i get scared off

UMF - says:

adventurous, kinky, open-minded
all good

Happsgirl says:

is that what makes a good wife?

my god

i should put that up on my dating profile

UMF - says:
no...that's just somethin to tag on with the conventional wife model

im just a dirty teenage boy

Happsgirl says:

how u know i meant the conventional wife model when i said good wife?

UMF - says:
i assumed
i dont know how kinky u are.

Happsgirl says:

u'll find out if u sign backup husband contract

UMF - says:

hmmm....can do an advance ?

Happsgirl says:

nope

its like a prenup

u only find out once u sign

UMF - says:

i rather a sample of things to come

don't wanna be scammed

Happsgirl says:

ye of little faith

UMF - says:

u don't wanna live up to your billing huh?

Happsgirl says:

i can live up to it

but i must have contractual agreement to my demands

UMF - says:

im just askin for a sample...not the whole deal

a taste of things to come and heck i'd sign a lifetime agreement

how does dat sound?

Happsgirl says:

Lifetime agreement? I don't want!

i want only a contractual marriage

i dont wanna be married to u forever

UMF - says:

....
ok lo...since u wanna be such a hard sell

i'll think it over

Ye Of Little Faith

2009-12-10T23:13:00.000-08:00

You can't rely on men for anything. Seriously.

You can't rely on them to offer help when you need it most.

You can't rely on them to feel better about yourself.

You can't rely on them to hold doors open for you.

You can't rely on them to be polite.

You can't rely on them to marry you.

You can't rely on them to look after themselves for you.

Hmph. You can't even rely on them to be nice for you for oh, I don't know 5 seconds.

But that's just me, over the last few days, I've noticed that all the men around me are either simply un-dependable.

To The Boyzzzz

2009-12-07T20:19:00.001-08:00

Over the last month, at least 5 men have come to me with a confession...

No, they weren't secretly madly in love with me. Boo.

But they do read this blog. Eek.

I am having some trouble though, with the idea that men read this blog. It troubles me for these reasons:

#My personal brand of single girl neuroses is open to male judgement.

#Men might think all women think this way. (i sincerely hope not)

#I am sealing my fate as a single girl as most of the men who have told me they read this blog are actually cute, eligible single men. (who may now be scared off)

# I wanted above all else, for this to be a place women came to commiserate and be entertained, and not BE the entertainment.

Yah, but that said, I'm just happy anyone reads this at all. But please, if you ARE male and you have something to contribute to any of this, then by all means, give me a shout out.

Oh you can also give me a shout out if you want to date me DESPITE this. (I am officially in panic mode). kaka.

Why Younger Men Rock

2009-12-02T19:15:00.000-08:00

I think I have successfully proven that younger men are the way forward. Thank you...goodnight.

I'm going to be single forever

2009-12-01T21:04:00.000-08:00

Well, it's official. I'm in panic mode.

Signs you're in panic mode:

1 - You start going through your Facebook friend's list and separate the single from the non-single male friends.

2 - You message your male friends relentlessly to get some attention.

3 - You suddenly realise your wardrobe has nothing that shows off your cleavage (no matter how non-existent it is)

4 - You've started writing letters to an assortment of hot celebrities again.

5 - You start to track down the exes who have disappeared.

6 - You start to flirt back with men who repulse you.

7 - You contemplate lesbianism seriously.

8 - You badger a kind male friend into becoming your 'back up'.

9 - You try to make 'spinster pacts' with your girlfriends.

10 - You can't sleep because you're up all night internet stalking potential dates.

Digital Digital Get Down

2009-11-27T01:19:00.000-08:00

THE REAL DIGITAL LOVE

Above: Sal9000 on his honeymoon with his virtual wife Nene Anegasaki.

People like to say...'You can't help who you fall in love with'...

And I like to think it's true. But when it comes to the above story...is it a question of 'who'? or 'what'?

What CAN you fall in love with? For some people...apparently, it could be a picture of a beautiful animated girl...for others, it could be a pillowcase...some men get very attached to dolls and bid them tearfull farewells when they have to go away to the 'hospital' (ie. the factory for maintenance work)...and for a select few...falling in love can happen when they watch a couple of pretty horses gallop across a meadow.

But don't you stop and wonder...why is it always men who fall in love with unusual subjects. Go out and find me a story about a woman who has the hots for her gingerbread man and I'll start to believe that this thing works both ways. I don't know but doesn't this prove that men are more in need of love than women are? And if so, why are we still complaining about our singlehood?

Catch the Birdie

2009-11-24T19:21:00.000-08:00

I've recently had the pleasure of being introduced into the world of bird watching...My life moves in strange ways indeed. And I realised that birdwatching is like man-watching.

>> Just like birds, you spend hours observing and hoping for a beautiful one to come along.

>> You spend hours and travel across the globe just looking for that one bird that checks all the criteria you are looking for.

>> When you do spot a bird, you have to identify its characteristics. Does it have the markings of a good strong species?

>> If and when you do identify a rare bird (ie. a good man) everyone wants a piece of it. They will all clap and applaud it's beauty and spend hours, even days just observing it giving you small chance of capturing it yourself.

>> When you do spot a beautiful, rare bird...you are always worried it will fly away.

Six Pack Pact

2009-11-15T17:59:00.000-08:00

This weekend I spent drooling over Ryan Reynolds. Erm, not literally. *sniff sniff*. And I was thinking to myself, oh man, will I ever get to feel a six pack like that ever in my life? I've never even seen one in real life. How sad is that? So in ode to the stuff we may never get to do, I've devised a list of things I wanna see (and touch) if I ever get the chance to before it's too damn late.

My Six Pack Pacts To Myself:

# Touch a six or eight pack abs like Ryan Reynold's or Rain's. (Anybody wanna go watch Ninja Assassin? *drool*)

# Shag someone with the 'hip line' (you know that one that goes from hip to *nether regions*...) Wahhhh.

# Have an incredibly pretty boy kiss me (by pretty I mean like the doe-eyes of Zack Effron and the lucious man-bangs of Chace Crawford) WOO!

# Have a super hot, super toned surfer dude teach me how to surf. Duuudddeee!

# Go out with a celebrity so we can take that classic papparazzi shot of him holding my hand and leading me away from the adoring crowd (with sunglasses and cap pulled down low of course). (And no, photoshopping yourself into a photo with Wentworth Miller [you KNOW who you are] does not count!!!]

Now, don't be shy...tell me what your six-pack dreams are....*sigh*

Panic Fantastique

2009-11-12T17:38:00.000-08:00

Potsie sent me an email this morning saying that she had a panic attack last night. It is the age old single girl in her *sniff sniff* late twenties panic attack...the What If I'm Single Forever attack.

It is the kind of realisation that makes us suddenly want to wear more makeup or go to bars and pretend to smoke...or start laughing hysterically at very dull men. It is the kind of attack that well, makes you start a blog to try and remind yourself that being single can be happy too. Hah.

Well, 3 years ago, when I was still in the brighter side of my twenties, I had the attack. It occured to me that if I wanted to meet a nice boy, be with him for a couple of years before we get married, I should be actively start searching for him NOW NOW NOW. Unfortunately that was 3 years ago, and I fell in love with the right boy but at the wrong time and 3 years on, I am still very much single and the panic is starting to rise again.

What you should do when you get the Single-forever Panic Attack (SPA).

# - Think about the nice boys that you know and whether they're single. If they are, time to start thinking if you could be more than friends.

# - Become more sociable and don't turn down invitations to cool parties because you have to wash your hair.

# - Try online dating. (But please be careful)

# - Get a back up. Make a pact with a single good guy friend (gay or not gay) to get married by age whatever if you're both still single.

# - Get another back up. If you don't have any willing male friends, time to ask one of your sorority sisters if they want to share your sorority spinster house.

Syok Sendiri-ness (Hot For Yourself)

2009-11-05T23:16:00.000-08:00

The other night I went out with a couple of FSGs (Fellow Single Girls) and were standing in line for the club. When we had been waiting for all of 10 minutes and were getting suitably hot and bothered this is what my FSG friend had to say:

FSG#1: They should let us go to the front and get in for free.

Happsgirl: Why?

FSG#1: Coz we're hot.

FSG#2: That's not a reason.

FSG#1: It should be.

Teeheehee. It got me thinking, do we over-estimate ourselves sometimes? Ok, do we over-estimate ourselves all the time? To the point of it maybe being the very reason we're single? I think I do. Case in point...perfectly nice normal boy comes and talks to you in the club...you say hi, but reckon, hey, you're hot enough tonight to hook up with the DJ. You end the night hanging around DJ's booth and then watch him take off with a model while perfectly nice boy has gone home with some ugly, bitchy girl you know he's too good for.

We bring this on ourselves. We do.

Signs you may be suffering from a bad case of syok-sendiri-ness:

#1 - You think you look hot even when you've just woken up and have eye bags that hang to your chin and hair that looks like an orang gila (crazy person).

#2 - When people ask you what's your lowest standard of guy you would date, you say 'billionnaire male model'.

#3 - If you go to a gig and the only people you think are good enough to hook up with are band members. Worse still if the band is made up of err, John Mayer alone.

#4 - You think you're compromising when you get asked out by a nice, cute guy but he doesn't happen to be a prince.

#5 - You demand to be let into a club on account of your hotness. Even if it entails a big embarrassing fight with the bouncers and the phrase 'Do you know who my father is?' being thrown about.

#6 - You think people are checking you out all the time, even when you're driving and people are looking in your direction because you are the oncoming traffic they need to avoid.

The SOM (Sexy Older Man)

2009-10-27T08:24:00.000-07:00

One day I was like in the supermarket in KLCC and I was looking for some juice. I reached for the juice and I noticed someone next to me. When I turned around, I was faced with something juicier than my box of Sunkist Orange(kakaka). It was a Sexy Older Man (SOM). He had wavy hair that was tinged with salt and pepper. He wore a trilby hat (always a plus point as it shows gentlemanliness) and he had greenish-hazel eyes.

Anyway, dare I recall...I grabbed my juice, hid behind the supermarket aisle and grinned like an idiot when he glanced my way. Then I pulled the classic, 'oh I'm a very busy woman' trick and ran the hell away to tell all my friends I had encountered a rare species.

It got me thinking...are we old enough to be okay dating SOMs? I think we definitely are. However, do I have the emotional maturity to handle a SOM? I think I definitely don't. I mean, can I hold a conversation with an intelligent man over 10 years my senior? Yes. But, can I keep it together enough for him to think I'm a fantastic, mature, intelligent, non-crazy, woman? No.

I can foresee something like this happening:

SOM: Yes yes, the judiciary in this country really needs to be looked at. In a recent case, a guy was arrested under penal code 434 etc. etc.

Happsgirl: Mm-hmm. I totally agree. *stifles laughter*(heeheehee...he said PENAL!!).

Not. Good.

B-Day (Bubble bursting-day)

2009-10-21T03:08:00.000-07:00

If you wanna measure how much you matter to the 'men in your life', then there's no better way than when it comes to your birthday. Here are the responses of people I consider/considered to be *significant*.

Former Love of Life (FLOL) - no wishes. From being the only person to make it special 3 years ago...to multiple messages 2 years ago...to belated wishes a year ago...to nothing. Silence. NOWT. Now I know why they call it EX-communicado.

Pseudo-Crush - he didn't know it was my birthday. 'Nuff said. Altho, he did try making up for it when I reminded him. Hurhur.

Ridic - I don't think he got the message alert on FB since he has 10 000 friends and at least 100 ppl might've shared my bday.

James Franco - despite the fact he doesn't know I exist, he STILL managed to turn up in Spiderman 3 which happened to be showing on the bus I was taking on my birthday. That was very nice of him.

-----------------------

In more exciting news though, not one but TWO sexy older men(SOM) sent very sweet messages to me.

Message from SOM #1 - Hey sweetie, rumour has it it's your birthday...so happy birthday honey. (Cheap thrill factor: 8 outta 10) - sweet nothings sial!

Message from SOM #2 - Happy birthday dear. *something intellectual I don't understand* Lots of love SOM#2. (Cheap thrill factor: 9 outta 10) - because it was damn intellectual.

The Good Crush?

2009-10-14T10:06:00.000-07:00

Easier said than done but I reckon, if you're gonna have a crush, it better be a good one. As in good for you. Recently, both my good friends Prontip and Rie have revealed that they are blissfully 'in crush' with good crushes. Here are a few tips on how to spot a good crush.

>> He is nice to you. (By this I mean, he at least acknowledges your presence and does things like send you cheering up emails and takes you into consideration when he erm, buys popcorn at the cinema)

>> He is nice to other people. (He does noble things like gives his seat up for old ladies and asks after your mom and oh, helps build schools for poor orphans)

>> He is not secretly gay. (He does not flirt with you for the sole purpose of getting your 20% M.A.C. discount voucher)

>> Everyone around you does not exclaim 'HE IS AN ASSHOLE' when you mention his name. (This is a special NOTE TO SELF)

>> He is not taken and lying about it. (Any crush who happens to mention that he has a wife and kid is TOXIC).

>> He does not confuse you (He doesn't play a cat and mouse, talking in circles game with you)

-----------

Anyhoo...I need a good crush. My crush, Ridic does not fulfill any of the criteria I mentioned above. He is not nice to me. (Well, he blew me off the one and only time I contacted him. Rude. )He is not nice to other people. (Despite his 5000 and growing number of FB friends.blah.). Everyone around me screams he is an asshole when I mention him :( :( He is taken and being very assholic about it. Poor girl. And I suspect, one day he might confess he's gay. Dear me.

My Pseudo-Crush, Mr.White, however, is not a particularly a good crush either. But since he is a pseudo-crush I reckon fulfilling half of my requirements is A-Ok.

In conclusion, I need a good crush. But unfortunately, due to the lack of candidates, he'll have to be James Franco for now.

The Fucken Absence of a Green Dot

2009-10-08T08:33:00.000-07:00

I had an epiphany tonight. Nobody is 'available' anymore. Seriously. Just look at your MSN friend list and you'll realise that everyone is either 'Busy' or 'Away' or 'Out To Lunch'. The dots are hardly ever green.

Nobody is available even when they say they are. I'm talking about being available in the wider sense obviously. Nobody is single and available. Just ask around, look around...are there any men who are single and available and NOT desperate? NOOOOOOO. Which is shitty shit shit.

Really...nobody is available in the widest sense. Not my crush...Ridic (he's not available because he's hooked up with some poor girl he's only dating for her virginity so I heard...yes yes yes, he's an asshole..whatever), not my long time TV crush Greg on CSI, not gay Wentworth Miller, not the cute guy I saw the other day in the carpark, not the male model I stalk on Facebook, not any of my old crushes (fuckadoodle doo most of them are married), not even my pseudo-crush Mr.White (who tells me he's got some HO sitting next to him while he flirts with me), not my secret pedophilic crush (teehee whom I brushed by the other day but fuckadingdong he's hooked up with some old crow like 15 years his senior)...etc.etc.

Fucken hell, NOBODY is available. They all seem to be when you meet them but then it's all like, hey, I got a fucken mail order bride waiting for me at home, or some German HO up my sleeve, or like oh, I'm fucken married to some foul-mouthed psycho Vietnamese ho, or like, oh, I have a crush on a tranny, or like, I'm an asshole fucktard who isn't available to anyone or anything but my dick...

So screw you unavailable people! I'm fucken gonna be unavailable too. I'll have a fucken RED DOT next to my name. BU-SY.
Girls girls, seriously...it's better to pretend to be unavailable because these days, having a green dot next to your name apparently spells LO-SER. Yah yah...What hope do we have ah?

Use Your Cigarette

2009-10-06T09:50:00.000-07:00

I think I am in need of flirting tips. Spending the weekend with Prontip has made me realise that I am useless in the art of flirting. Me and Potsie have decided that if we are going to be any good at it, we must take a master class from Prontip. Here are a few things I've learnt through observation...

1) Use your cigarette - The best opening line ever is 'Have you got a light?'
I have been eternally impressed by the story of the girl who stands at the bar having an unlit ciggy in her hand when a mysterious hand will swoop in from behind her and lights it for her. That's class. I mean once I was reenacting the story and the bartender did the same thing for me but erm, a teenage Indian bartender lighting your ciggy doesn't have the same effect as a Rolexed well cuffed arm swooping in from behind you and wordlessly lighting it, now does it?

2) Use your eyes - Prontip has this magnificent way of looking at a guy and disarming him. I don't think she knows when she's doing it but I have observed and it's a kind of intense yet careless look that makes guys suddenly feel all self-aware and extra macho. I must learn to master this without looking like a maniac.

3) Use your hair but not too much - Playing slightly with your hair is good. Tossing your head around and literally acting like you're at a Metallica concert circa 1992 is not. Must learn to flip n' flirt. Do not keep flipping. Again. must learn to master this without looking like maniac.

4) Use your lips - Slightly pursing your lips and pouting is good. I think Potsie does this well too without even trying. She has luscious lips. Biting your lip slightly is also good. Again, I have not done this very well. Once I was trying the whole biting your lower lip thing to appear cute and my guy friend was like 'Do you have a facial tick?'. Must master without looking like I am retarded.

5) Use your laugh - Guys love it when a girl laughs at their jokes. Guys love it when girls think they're jokers. Guys do not like it when a girl is laughing AT them. Guys don't like girls who think they ARE the joke. Giggling is good. Full bellied laugh until snot comes outta your nose is not. Sarcastic laughter is also not good. Must master this one to full effect. Also don't try to out-funny a guy. They don't like it when you suddenly become the stand up comedy act of the evening. (Repeat last sentence to self).

I Picture You Beautiful

2009-10-04T09:45:00.000-07:00

I picture you as beautiful.
Lying in the grass, face toward the sky, light in your hair, rolled up checked shirt sleeves...your eyes closed, your lips curled into a smile, your fingers playing with blades of grass...I picture you there, propped on your elbows and beautiful, beside me.

It is the last complete memory I have of you. Like a faded photograph, folded and yellow and torn at the sides, I take out to look at from time to time.

You are supposed to lose someone, mourn the loss of them, move past it and wake up one day and finally be happy again. That happened.

But nobody tells you that one night you might be walking along, feel a breeze, look up at the sky and suddenly in that perfect moment, have a rogue memory that makes your breath stop short.

I don't understand how you forget that this was the one that made you the person you are today. That every other person that comes after is compared and contrasted against him. I don't understand how you become the person that was before him. How do you revert back?

Do you forget that someone like him exists? Do you erase him completely? How do you tear up that one perfect picture you have of him in your memory box that escapes from time to time? I want to revert back. I want to backspace to the part that came before him. How the hell do I do that?

Cowering in a Corner

2009-09-29T08:55:00.000-07:00

In a conversation with PoPots, I have come to the conclusion that we fear lots. When it comes to mens' appearances, that is.
eg. Popots: I have a general fear of fat men.
Happsgirl: I ran as far as possible when a short man talked to me.

We realise we're being shallow of course, but we also decided that we're not going to be apologetic about it. When I asked around, I realise that almost everyone has a baseless fear when it comes to men's appearances.

There is a fear of bald men...A fear of men with BO (I think this applies to all of us)... The fear of hairy men...Heebie-jeebies around men who are TOO hairless... A fear of skinny men...We fear of overly tall men...Fear of men with big teeth...the fear of sweaty men...Men who have long fingernails make us run a mile...we cower from men with bad breath...and even the fear of beautiful men.

I myself am really put off by short men...I can't understand being attracted to someone who is shorter than me (I'm 5'4). I think 5'4 is seriously the shortest a man can go. When I can see over the top of your head, it sends a chill down my spine. It's like my fear of lizards...completely baseless and irrational but it is no doubt a fear.

I've put down these fears to simple survival code. We don't want to see in our partners or potential partners what we see as flaws in ourselves. I'm short and have always resented that fact. So I cower from shorties and have an imaginary height requirement bar of 5'10.

So fess up, what do you fear?

Treat 'Em Mean....

2009-09-20T09:54:00.000-07:00

I'm going to test out a theory...

So I watched The Ugly Truth today and it suddenly dawned on me that this whole 'treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen' business might actually work both ways.
If there's really any truth in all this, then most men will be intrigued by a woman who does any of the following:

#1 - Refuse to let them buy you a drink. (but then obviously retract at the last second)

#2 - Talk to them for 2 minutes and be really like, into them...then fuck off to the toilet only to return and talk to some other guy.

#3 - Don't even bother giving them your name but give him your own personal nickname.

#4 - If they ask you not to do something, go ahead and do it.
(eg. Guy: Don't smoke so much, it's a bad habit.
You: Light up a cigarette and blow the smoke in his face with a sly grin)

#5 - Call them then hang up suddenly or talk to someone else (preferably a guy) when you're still on the phone with them.

So ladies, what have been your 'mean girl' tactics to lure a guy? HAH.

The Relationship Wish List

2009-09-18T10:40:00.000-07:00

It occured to me that it would be really useful if relationships, like weddings or happy holidays came with their very own set of wish lists.
So here it is, the wish list I hope for everytime someone meets someone...

#1 - Date me because you're into me, not because you're lonely and want a gap-filler.

#2 - Date me because you really want to be with me. (Not because your mother pushed you toward me)

#3 - Do not cheat on me. (This includes adding random Japanese Kawa-i girls on your Facebook page and 'liking' each of their skanky pics)

#4 - Trust me. (Unless I'm a real bitch, I probably won't cheat on you before you cheat on me)

#5 - Do not do stuff that makes me think you're dodgy. (Like having secret bank accounts or being a sideline drug dealer)

#6 - Love me enough to want to marry me someday.

#7 - Be nice to my friends and family. (Don't turn me against them or alienate me from them)

#8 - Care enough about me to never want to hurt me even in the smallest way. (Sometimes the smallest insults are the ones that hurt most)

#9 - Respect me enough to be honest with me. (If you're gay, the sooner you tell me the better)

#10 - Be happy with me. (Don't refer to me as the 'gatekeeping bitch' behind my back)

Just Hit Delete

2009-09-17T01:04:00.000-07:00

Well, I deleted my profile. I woke up last weekend and decided that enough was enough. And just deleted it. Hawhaw.

Then I decided to hit closer to home and like, signed up on not one but TWO Asian dating websites but the minute I finished my profile and saw my 'Matches' I deleted my profile instantaneously. Good grief.

Maybe I'm not cut out for internet dating after all. Teehee.

Anyway, to all my non-Asian homies out there, Jen Kwok says it best!
Click on the video below ... too funny!

Whoops

2009-09-09T13:17:00.000-07:00

Confession!

I haven't deleted my profile yet. HAWHAW.

I was going to in all seriousness...but then I spied this super duper hot half-British, half-Japanese dude who is a DJ (my weakness) who helps like poor starving African kids (my other weakness). So I stayed on just so I can spy on his beautiful profile a bit longer. Sad I know. But the dude posted up a topless pic of him navigating a yacht. FORSHIZZLE.

Then this morning, I realised he became a 'Fan' of me too! SCORE! BONUS! YIPPIEKAYAY! Cheap thrill galore!!!

Yeah...so I'll delete it this weekend. I mean I can't sign up and Mr.Hot Jap DJ is probably not a subscriber either. Still...he's provided me with my biggest cheap thrill of the week. Nyak.

Not Enough Fans

2009-09-07T19:34:00.000-07:00

well, I've decided, after 2 days...to delete my profile from the aforementioned dating website.

sniff sniff.

I got 20 fans and started to get really excited and chuffed but then what happened was, I didn't get anymore fans. So now I'm feeling huffy.

Another reason is that this sneaky dating website needs you to buy at least a monthly subscription to talk to the lovely men who have taken the trouble to message you. Something I can't physically do anyway.

Which is a shame seeing as some of the dudes seem quite lovely.

There was :

Darren - some dude who owns his own publishing house who genuinely sounds pretty lovely. He also looks a bit like Shayne Ward. Score! His only flaw was that he seemed a bit boring and a bit too appreciative of my 'prettiness'.

George - His first message read 'Tea?'...then I didn't reply...so his next message was 'Cake?'..HAHA. Stuff like that cracks me up. Plus his profile said he was once groomed by a monkey. But he wants me to sign up and I can't. And he ain't buying me a subscription (which I cheekily asked for). Oh well.

Old Guy - This dude's message goes ' Wow, you're sassy and stunning! When do you get back from your travels? Let's meet up" and I'm thinking, dude, slow down. So I asked him for a subsciption and he goes 'AM I THE KINDA MAN YOU WANT THOUGH?' To which I replied, I'm very interested.' But that still didn't make him buy me a subscription. Boo.

...

Late last night I noticed a cute guy who had viewed my profile. I got suitably excited and decided to go through all his photos. On closer inspection, I was CONVINCED he was my ex-housemate JimJam. But this dude was hot and sexy. And my housemate was neither. So I decided to browse his profile and the more I stalked the more convinced I was this dude was JimJam. Everything from the age to the height matched. The biggest question right now is, how did my former housemate become so damn hot? And if it is him, why didn't he bloody add me to his favourites???

More reason to go MIA on the site.

Sold out on Soulmates

2009-09-06T08:26:00.000-07:00

Oh Ho Ho Ho...

So here's the update...I totally tried signing up to this dating website but try as I might, every username I picked wasn't available. Which I reckon is a glitch in the system because how can 'happpsssgirl8234' be taken? I mean the probability is like 1 in a 1000000...so yeah, it's not meant to be that I sign up on that site.

So what I did was go back to a trusty site. Although, I had to lie about my location because you don't get clicks if you say you're stuck in a stupid city in a stupid country in the Far East. Unless the dudes are Asian Slut Chasers or...the usual despo Arabs and Indians. Who always message you the same thing " You want be my wife?" or "You sexy. I marry you, yes?"

No.

Anyway, the update is that I've signed on for like less than 24 hours and already I have 13 'Fans' Whoopteedoo. And a couple of messages from dudes who aren't all bad. Seriously! Quite hamsem ok. I shall send pics to Potsie and Prontip for approval.

I gotta say, I'm having fun.
More updates later.kaka.

To match or not to match

2009-09-03T10:47:00.000-07:00

If only I looked like dear ol' Alessandra...

I am contemplating signing up to match.com. I really want to. I've even gone as far as to browse the site and skim the signing up sheet.
Desperate times call for desperate measures you know.

Before I go any further though, I'd like to recall a time when I DID join up to a dating website. The reason I did this was well, I wanted to stalk Baxter. And Baxter signed up for a joke and anything Baxter did at that time, I did. Pah.

So I join up and I get a few random messages. But you can't chat for free on this site and I wasn't about to pay good money to talk to random ugly men. I could do that on the subway.

Then I get this idea...put up a pic of a model and see how many messages I get. So I go browsing through the Storm Models website and pick a photo that looks unprofessional.

I draw on my creative skills to write up a profile and lo and behold! I get around 100 messages in the first hour I sign up! woohoo!
Two guys offer to buy me 'gift memberships' to which I accept graciously and use the membership to chat up other guys.

In one day, my character "Anna" became the most popular profile on the website. Woohoo!

Through "Anna" I do get to 'meet' my share of funny and fantastic people. There was the dude whose every message started with the line "sky's a clear blue today"...there was the stalker dude who wouldn't go away even after I was incredibly rude...and there was the lovely dude who had the funniest messages who turned out to be a serial online dating player.

Sadly my sojourn into becoming a popular online dating character was short lived. My gift subscription expired and I got lazy replying the dozens and dozens of messages I got. I started to feel like the ugly personal assistant to my celebrity alter ego.

There was also the erm...slight mess whereby I chatted up one of my friends as "Anna" and had to come clean to him when he started getting interested in 'her'. Messy.

However!There is a lesson to be learnt here though...since my character was such a hit and had so many men fall in love with her words, I realised that it is not my personality that was the problem, it was my looks.
*sniffly sniffly poo*

And also...err...the other lesson to be learnt is that you might get caught for identity theft. Or unlicensed use of Storm Model pictures. :(

So yeah, do I want to go through all that crap again? hehe. Let's just wait and see!

Till Death Do Us Wrong

2009-09-01T18:56:00.000-07:00

So we were exchanging horror stories and I have to say this is the worst:

A friend of a friend had a problem with her *private area* and decided that she needed to go to the doctor to find out if the itch was an STD.

So she goes in for the test and comes back a couple of days later for the results. When she reaches the doctor's office, the doctor is standing there with two police officers. This is when she is informed that there was something in her test results that needed police investigation.

She then gets told that her *itch* is caused by a certain type of worm. *bleurgh* And that worm can only be found in dead bodies.

The question now is, how did a worm from a dead body enter this fine woman's nether regions?

Hence the police being there, because something NASTY must be going on...

What it turned out to be was, this woman's boyfriend worked in a mortuary. And well, he was having a jolly good time with some of these dead bodies. Eww.

And what he did was, bang a corpse, failed to wash his kukuchiao and came back and banged his unfortunate gf.

So the police picked him up for necrophilia.

But the most amazing part about this story is...after the whole incident...the biggest question on the girl's lips was...'Err, I don't know if I should break up with him.'

WTF.

That's what you call mortally stupid.

How To Be A Happy Clappy

2009-08-22T01:39:00.000-07:00

I think if you're single, it is a lot harder to get happy. Especially if stupid things like big friggin' Queens and other random sadnesses make you sometimes want to sit in a dark hole and not come out. So here are a few ways in which, if you're alone, you can start seeing the light side to things.

1) If you're home on a Friday night yet again with your bowl of Bovril porridge, take heart in the fact that at least, the face mask you have on (because nobody is around to see you in it) will ensure you have good skin.

2) Use your free Saturday nights to give yourself a nice mani-pedi. A wise friend once told me that painting your nails has a calming effect and works on the logic that, if your hands and feet look pretty, the world will seem like a prettier place too.

3) If haven't gotten some action in awhile, buy a plane ticket and go on holiday to a sunny beachy location filled with backpackers. Better yet, learn something fun like surfing or mountain climbing. Once you see the array of toned honed torsos, the world will be like a buffet.

4) If you're saddened by the fact that you are buying dinner for one. Don't be. At least you are saving money and you can eat whatever the hell you want.

5) Being alone enables you to have more time on your hands to spend with your FSGs (Fellow Single Girls). What better way to cheer you up than to bitch, moan and gossip about men with your best girls?

Next time you feel suicidal, just remember, there are worse things than being alone. Like contracting syphillis from a multi-cheating man who has hairy knuckles.

Alternative Options

2009-08-13T21:18:00.000-07:00

For all of us who don't have a big strapping man to cuddle us to sleep at night, we now have an alternative!

Behold, the Boyfriend Pillow! Yippee!

And boys, boys, don't feel left out. There is also an option for you...
Behold, the Girlfriend Lap Pillow!! OOOOOH.

As I'm off to sunny beaches to oggle at toned surfer dudes for a few days, I will leave you with this piece of sagely advice...
It is better to love a man or woman no matter how rotten they are than to love a pillow.

Standards My Dear

2009-08-10T07:12:00.000-07:00

When you're single, and you haven't hooked up with the next man on the street, people will start telling you to lower your standards. "Please don't be so picky" they'll say. Why isn't the next man on the street good enough for you? Must lower your standards, give people a chance...etc.

But here's my gripe. Why should we lower our standards? Here are some questions I ponder when I think about lowering my standards...

# Why is it that wanting just a normal guy who isn't insane, is decent looking, has a job and can string a proper sentence together considered such a high standard?

# How come it's only the people who are hooked up with the most super-duper men that ask me to lower my high standards?

# Why is it that even when I do lower my standards, I unwittingly find out the object of my affection turns out to be amongst many things....a member of royalty, a Ferarri owner, a genius rock star?

# Does lowering my standards mean that the level that I deem worthy for myself is really out of my league? Am I really that unworthy of a high standard?

Yah, yah...so I have to wonder, why does there have to BE a standard at all? I mean, I seriously don't think some halfway intelligent dude who smells good and isn't clinically insane is asking too much.

And here's another thing, if you're not picky, and you end up being beaten or hurt or simply left high and dry by some asshole, why is it then that people say, oh he's a bad egg, why did you let him into your life in the first place?

Seriously now, having standards isn't a bad thing. At least not for me. And if it means being alone for a little while longer, so be it.

The Accidental Boyfriend

2009-08-06T08:04:00.001-07:00

So you're single. And a dude you don't mind hanging around with is single too. He has ex issues, you have ex issues too. So you start spending a lot of time together, bitching about the exes, you meet each other's friends, you call him up when you need someone to fix something in your house and he calls you when he needs someone to accompany him grocery shopping. You're super comfortable with this guy, you talk all the time, he understands your neuroses, you forgive him his.

From the outside, you seem just like a couple. But what you're really experiencing is a case of the Accidental Boyfriend.

So what do you do if you find yourself in such a situation? Do you want this dude to be your Real BF? Does he want you? Do you want to start seeing other people but preserve the friendship?
Tricky tricky. But here are a few things you need to keep in mind.

# Keep your eye on the prize - If you're really not into him and into some other dude, then don't shift your focus. Eventually, you'll both start seeing other people, if you're constantly dating other people then it'll be much easier to have a platonic friendship.

# Don't live in denial - If you've started thinking that he could be the one, then he probably is. It's time to come clean.
# Don't be crazy - Don't delude yourself into thinking you're his girlfriend unless he shows signs that he really wants you to be more than his friend. Just because you both behave like an old married couple doesn't mean you're really married.

# Don't deflect - If you realise you've started to have feelings for him, don't cover up by deflecting your feelings onto the next best thing (his best friend, his brother, etc.) This will only confuse him more and you may find yourself in an uncomfortable love triangle.
# Don't jump him - Unless you're both sure you want to become a real couple, don't try to take on the Friends with Benefits situation. If you hang out all the time, you're comfortable, and you're having sex...yet don't want to admit you're in a relationship, you're really in trouble.

At Home With Bovril Porridge

2009-08-04T06:12:00.000-07:00

Signs you know you're turning into a certified old maid:

- You look forward to your bowl of porridge mixed with Bovril and vegetables every night.

- The thought of going out makes you so tired, you actually fall asleep by 10pm.

- Waxing has become irrelevant.

- You text your Mom wondering what she's up to and find out that she's out having more fun than you are.

- When you go to a wedding and decline going up to catch the bouquet because you do not think the thrill applies to you anymore.

- You think nothing of probing single girls at weddings about when their turn is.

- If you come into contact with a cute guy and his smile just makes you think 'I forgot to buy floss at Tesco'.

Upset Tummy

2009-07-31T12:06:00.000-07:00

Isn't it ironic? A Queen is ruining my life.
I have been suffering from a constant upset tummy because of a Queen.

Everybody who hailed the Queen should really be shot.

I'm sad. The happy single girl is really sad. Help. Help me kill the Queen.

Ways in which I have fantasised about killing the Queen:
- Pop her like a balloon.
- Run her over with a steamroller.
- Enrol her in Biggest Loser and tell them to make her run on a treadmill till she gets a heart attack.
- Hope she gets filled with helium and floats away.
- A bigger Queen bitch slaps her into the ground.
- A scary man named Bubba makes her his playtoy.
- Someone accidentally shoots her with a tranquilizer gun and sells her off for money.

How do you run from a Queen who thinks she rules the world?

A Letter A Day Keeps The Looneys Away

2009-07-30T09:39:00.000-07:00

I've been inspired by Prontip who blogged about when she broke up with her ex-bf and decided that to win him back she would write him a letter every day telling him why he should come back to her.

Here is the first letter I would write to you...

Dear Baxter,
I was secretly in love with you. Oh yesssiree. After this long and this much time apart, I am saying it now. I might as well, I have nothing to lose. You probably don't remember me anyway.
I don't remember you either. All I have left of you is the shape of your fingertips. I know, it's a strange thing to say...or to remember.
But yes, I was secretly in love witn you, I always in some way, will be. So there. Don't freak out.

The second letter:
Dear Baxter,

So you're probably wondering why, how? It all started when you started being so bloody nice to me. And then you started being so bloody funny. And then sometimes, you would look at me as if I was in on your joke. That unravelled me. I thought you were fantastic.

It wasn't as if I woke up one day and realised I was in love with you. There were days I hated you. There were days I didn't think about you at all. There were days when I loved somebody else.

What floors me is that it doesn't take much for someone to make you fall in love with them. I just really liked being around you. When you were there, it was always so much better than when you weren't. That's all.

The third letter:
Dear Baxter,
I used to wish you'd wake up and be in love with me.

The fourth letter:
Dear Baxter,
Here's why I thought you should be in love with me. I think I get it...whatever it is you're trying to do to get happy.
I'm also a fantastic catch. And I can make you laugh.
And I'm Asian, and Asian wives are so much better than skanky ho German or English ones. I'll explain this at length sometime later. Seriously though, you should consider this fact: Asian women have been TRAINED to serve their husbands since birth. So..yeah.
If you aren't attracted to me, consider this other fact: I'm very bendy.

The fifth letter:
Dear Baxter,
I took the time to bloody write complete sagas about you. That act alone suggests a very high level of commitment and loyalty on my part. Considering, as you know, I am a very busy and popular woman.

The sixth letter:
Dear Baxter,
Why shouldn't you be in love with me? I mean I'm fantastic, and you look like a monkey.

The seventh letter:

Dear Baxter,
One day I woke up and realised I wasn't in love with you. I lost you. And facts was facts, you would never love me back. So that's that.

You're such an idiot.

--------

Let This Love Begin

2009-07-27T08:36:00.000-07:00

You know you're in need of some male attention when the only toned torso you've seen lately was from this video:

How To Stay Undercover

2009-07-23T09:18:00.000-07:00

When you have a longstanding and embarrassing crush on someone, here are a few things to keep i mind should you want to preserve your air of mystery:

- When someone mentions they saw your crush somewhere, you don't say ' HE WAS THERE?" three times in succession, with your voice rising each time.

- You don't let anybody catch you browsing his Facebook page at work.

- When someone tells you a story about him being exceptionally twatty, you don't giggle and say 'Aaw...'. A quick nod and a serious face should suffice.

- You shouldn't let him catch you following him. If he suspects that you are, you should quicken your pace and walk resolutely past him and toward the nearest exit.

- If he is in close proximity and you find yourself feeling faint, you should pretend that you're suddenly suffering from claustrophobia. Do not faint in front of him in hopes he might notice you.

- When your boss tells you No, you can't use him for your photoshoot...don't look like you're about to cry. If it's too late and your boss notices your eyes welling up, you should break into a coughing fit and tell her how fantastic her decision was before making a quick exit.

- If you're put in a spot and people ask you point blank if he is your object of affection, you shouldn't deny it too strongly. A simple shrug and a disgusted face would throw them off.

Good Vibrations

2009-07-19T18:50:00.000-07:00

Courtesy of Potsie:
July 19, 2009

Unless you want to send the wrong vibes, please avoid the following:

(1) Invite/suggest/be open to sharing a room with a dude. Even if its on separate mattresses. Even if it means he has to sleep out in the hall with your pet tiger who has a penchant for men.

(2) Ask if you can lean against the dude. Even if you have sudden neck muscle loss. Preferably find a sturdy girlfriend and ask if you can lean on HER shoulder instead.

(3) Say “yes, sure we can meet up”. Even if he is your customer with a huge budget to spend on the exact same products you’re selling.

(4) Smile at him when you walk pass. Even if you’ve spent the last 10 years walking that hallway, passing his cubicle.

With great power comes great responsibility – Stan Lee

Here's Looking At You

2009-07-18T02:35:00.000-07:00

I have a LOT of goodlooking girl friends. And no, I'm not exaggerating or trying to butter up my friends when I say this. It's true. A lot of the people I hang out have any of the following happen to them on a regular basis:

1) Have men say, 'damn, look at her' when they walk past.
2) Get marriage proposals on the street.
3) Have talent scouts come up to them and ask them to model.
4) Get modellling jobs.
5) Have random people come up to them and want to take pictures of them.

The great thing about hanging out with good looking people is that you generally look popular because of the influx of people looking in your direction. The down side is that, after awhile you start to feel like the short, fat troll hanger on.

Which makes me ponder, just how important are looks when it comes to being a happy single? Could your singledom come down to the pure and simple fact that you're just not as good looking as you think you are?

I know it's about confidence and personality and general chemistry, but physical attraction is the first thing that attracts us to the opposite sex. What if you simply aren't attractive to the type you consider attractive? In a society that prioritises looks over so much else, is being plain and not accepting that fact going to be your ultimate downfall?

Chillingly...for me at least, I wonder, if I never accept that looks play a huge part in this whole game, am I being completely deluded?

What do you think? Do you think your looks play an integral part in securing your future in finding a partner?

On Beanie Spotting

2009-07-15T20:34:00.000-07:00

I recently spent an entire weekend Beanie-Spotting (on the lookout for hamsem men to you) and have concluded that in a festival ground which held oh roundabout 3000 men, I spotted maybe 3 that peaked my interest. 2 were taken so that left just 1 man who could've potentially been a Beanie that was 'My Taips'.

Beanie #1 - French and had a messy sort of ponytail thing going on. If you're thinking, ok, ponytail = NO ...think again. This dude made an ugly scraggly ponytail, a kaftan type top and baggy thai trousers look HOT. Think, David Beckham in a sarong. Messy-chic.

Beanie #2 - The Dan-lookalike. Because he reminds me of a Dan I used to know. Blonde, twatty looking and slightly pudgier than my usual beanpole type. He was on the same flight back as me but he was in the executive lounge. Good sign! Then he got on the same train back as well, which prompted me to change seats to get a better view of him.

Beanie #3 - I think I noticed him coz I think he stars in an Indo-drama. He peaked my penchant for Elite-Melayu interest. And he wore a scarf. Unfortunately, the next night I saw a Hobag hanging around with him. He smiled at me tho. (Probably coz he thought I might be an Indo drama star too) teehee.

In a side note, this is what you should do if you want to give off the impression that you're super cool (even when you're not really).

- If a guy calls you and says he's spotted you in a crowd, you must act super surprised and ask him to come find you. But when you see him approaching, you disappear. If he texts and asks you where you went, you say you got dragged off by a group of super happening friends.

- If you see a cute guy looking at you and you happen to be standing alone, you quickly turn to the nearest guy friend and pretend you're having a riveting conversation with him and laugh alot.

- If you find yourself alone and someone you like is approaching you, you turn to the people next to you and pretend that you're with that group. When the person is close by, walk away from the group using the excuse that you're off to get drinks for everyone.

- If you're walking by a cute guy and his group of cute friends, engage a GBF to shout from far off what a BABE you are and how you MUST be at a party because you're not only a babe, you're also super duper fun.

* Glossary

Beanie - Hot guy

Beanie-Spotting - Looking for hot guys

Hamsem - Handsome

Taips - Type

My-Taips - My type of man

Indo - Indonesian

Elite-Melayu - High class Malays

Hobag - Whore / Slut / Skank

Happs - Happening

GBF - Gay Best Friend

The Gayness of Having Gay

2009-07-07T09:33:00.000-07:00

It's such bliss to have a GBF (that's Gay Best Friend to you). Actually, make that SGH (Surrogate Gay Husband). For those of us single girls who want to be seen hanging out with a man yet, don't want the added baggage of actually being with a man, a GBF is the best accessory to have. If you've graduated into the inner circles of Faghagdom (like yours truly) then you can up your ante and snag yourself a SGH.

Anyway, after going away on a spontaneous weekend with not one but two (in fact, it could've been THREE) lovely gay men, I shall count the ways in which a GBF totally rocks.

#1) They don't care if you break out in alcohol induced hives and don't bat an eyelid even when your neck is covered in red blotches.

#2) At the suggestion that your being alone in a hotel room with 2 men could lead to rape, one of them squeals 'But I Don't Know How To!!!'

#3) They will never develop an uncomfortable crush on you.

#4) They pretend to be your jealous boyfriend on Facebook so stalker losers will back off.

#5) You can talk real dirty with them and they wouldn't get turned on. In fact, they'll give you pointers on how to talk dirtier.

#6) They stave off prying questions from relatives who think that you two will eventually end up together.

#7) You can be as neurotic as you want when you're with them. Sometimes, they even indulge your neurotic fantasies and theories by fuelling them with some of their own.

#8) There's one thing they're straight about: fashion. (I stand by my conviction that it is a far greater compliment to be applauded by a gay man than a straight one).

#9) They're always game for a dance.

#10) They do all the skanking you're too afraid to do (they take the gay ones and pass the straight ones to you).

Hold That Door

2009-06-29T08:37:00.000-07:00

Here's a tip for you guys. We like being treated like women. As in, we appreciate for you idiots to act like gentlemen. As in, try a little bit of chivalry. You may think it'll make you look like a pushover chump but seriously, we never wished a frostbitten likely to drop off dick on a guy who holds a door open for us. Here's some little stuff to avoid if you want to impress women:

- If you get into a lift and you see a girl approaching, do not hit the close door button and then watch impassively as the lift door slams into her as she tries to get in.

- Hold doors open if you are any less than 3 steps in front of a woman. Do not storm through it and allow the swing back to smack her in the face.

- When you are in a queue, do not push past her elbowing her in the ribs with your tray or your bag. If you are waiting to pay and the woman in front of you is taking a millisecond longer to keep her purse, do not thrust your money in front of her face and start throwing your groceries toward the bagging area before she takes her bags away.

- Do not make a kissy sound with your lips and direct it at a woman. In fact, do not make that sound. Period.

- If you are at a takeout or teller or anywhere with a counter and the person behind the counter is a woman, do not bang on the counter with a coin or a credit card to get her attention. A simple Excuse Me would suffice.

- Do not tailgate or cut into other people's lane without signalling or flash your lights when you're stuck in a jam. Do not be an asshole driver.
- Do not try to get a girl's attention in a club by circling your arm around her waist and yanking her away to the dancefloor. Do not try to pull her hair or her arm. This is called 'going caveman' and buddies, 'going caveman' is not cool and doesn't work. We just think you're idiots. And assholes.

- Do not yell at a woman in public.

- Do not be an asshole.

- Do not think the sun shines out of your asshole.