How To Be A Happy Clappy

I think if you're single, it is a lot harder to get happy. Especially if stupid things like big friggin' Queens and other random sadnesses make you sometimes want to sit in a dark hole and not come out. So here are a few ways in which, if you're alone, you can start seeing the light side to things.

1) If you're home on a Friday night yet again with your bowl of Bovril porridge, take heart in the fact that at least, the face mask you have on (because nobody is around to see you in it) will ensure you have good skin.

2) Use your free Saturday nights to give yourself a nice mani-pedi. A wise friend once told me that painting your nails has a calming effect and works on the logic that, if your hands and feet look pretty, the world will seem like a prettier place too.

3) If haven't gotten some action in awhile, buy a plane ticket and go on holiday to a sunny beachy location filled with backpackers. Better yet, learn something fun like surfing or mountain climbing. Once you see the array of toned honed torsos, the world will be like a buffet.

4) If you're saddened by the fact that you are buying dinner for one. Don't be. At least you are saving money and you can eat whatever the hell you want.

5) Being alone enables you to have more time on your hands to spend with your FSGs (Fellow Single Girls). What better way to cheer you up than to bitch, moan and gossip about men with your best girls?

Next time you feel suicidal, just remember, there are worse things than being alone. Like contracting syphillis from a multi-cheating man who has hairy knuckles.

Alternative Options

For all of us who don't have a big strapping man to cuddle us to sleep at night, we now have an alternative!

Behold, the Boyfriend Pillow! Yippee!

And boys, boys, don't feel left out. There is also an option for you...
Behold, the Girlfriend Lap Pillow!! OOOOOH.

As I'm off to sunny beaches to oggle at toned surfer dudes for a few days, I will leave you with this piece of sagely advice...
It is better to love a man or woman no matter how rotten they are than to love a pillow.

Standards My Dear

When you're single, and you haven't hooked up with the next man on the street, people will start telling you to lower your standards. "Please don't be so picky" they'll say. Why isn't the next man on the street good enough for you? Must lower your standards, give people a chance...etc.

But here's my gripe. Why should we lower our standards? Here are some questions I ponder when I think about lowering my standards...

# Why is it that wanting just a normal guy who isn't insane, is decent looking, has a job and can string a proper sentence together considered such a high standard?

# How come it's only the people who are hooked up with the most super-duper men that ask me to lower my high standards?

# Why is it that even when I do lower my standards, I unwittingly find out the object of my affection turns out to be amongst many things....a member of royalty, a Ferarri owner, a genius rock star?

# Does lowering my standards mean that the level that I deem worthy for myself is really out of my league? Am I really that unworthy of a high standard?

Yah, yah...so I have to wonder, why does there have to BE a standard at all? I mean, I seriously don't think some halfway intelligent dude who smells good and isn't clinically insane is asking too much.

And here's another thing, if you're not picky, and you end up being beaten or hurt or simply left high and dry by some asshole, why is it then that people say, oh he's a bad egg, why did you let him into your life in the first place?

Seriously now, having standards isn't a bad thing. At least not for me. And if it means being alone for a little while longer, so be it.

The Accidental Boyfriend

So you're single. And a dude you don't mind hanging around with is single too. He has ex issues, you have ex issues too. So you start spending a lot of time together, bitching about the exes, you meet each other's friends, you call him up when you need someone to fix something in your house and he calls you when he needs someone to accompany him grocery shopping. You're super comfortable with this guy, you talk all the time, he understands your neuroses, you forgive him his.

From the outside, you seem just like a couple. But what you're really experiencing is a case of the Accidental Boyfriend.

So what do you do if you find yourself in such a situation? Do you want this dude to be your Real BF? Does he want you? Do you want to start seeing other people but preserve the friendship?
Tricky tricky. But here are a few things you need to keep in mind.

# Keep your eye on the prize - If you're really not into him and into some other dude, then don't shift your focus. Eventually, you'll both start seeing other people, if you're constantly dating other people then it'll be much easier to have a platonic friendship.

# Don't live in denial - If you've started thinking that he could be the one, then he probably is. It's time to come clean.
# Don't be crazy - Don't delude yourself into thinking you're his girlfriend unless he shows signs that he really wants you to be more than his friend. Just because you both behave like an old married couple doesn't mean you're really married.

# Don't deflect - If you realise you've started to have feelings for him, don't cover up by deflecting your feelings onto the next best thing (his best friend, his brother, etc.) This will only confuse him more and you may find yourself in an uncomfortable love triangle.
# Don't jump him - Unless you're both sure you want to become a real couple, don't try to take on the Friends with Benefits situation. If you hang out all the time, you're comfortable, and you're having sex...yet don't want to admit you're in a relationship, you're really in trouble.

At Home With Bovril Porridge

Signs you know you're turning into a certified old maid:

- You look forward to your bowl of porridge mixed with Bovril and vegetables every night.

- The thought of going out makes you so tired, you actually fall asleep by 10pm.

- Waxing has become irrelevant.

- You text your Mom wondering what she's up to and find out that she's out having more fun than you are.

- When you go to a wedding and decline going up to catch the bouquet because you do not think the thrill applies to you anymore.

- You think nothing of probing single girls at weddings about when their turn is.

- If you come into contact with a cute guy and his smile just makes you think 'I forgot to buy floss at Tesco'.