Hold That Door

Here's a tip for you guys. We like being treated like women. As in, we appreciate for you idiots to act like gentlemen. As in, try a little bit of chivalry. You may think it'll make you look like a pushover chump but seriously, we never wished a frostbitten likely to drop off dick on a guy who holds a door open for us. Here's some little stuff to avoid if you want to impress women:

- If you get into a lift and you see a girl approaching, do not hit the close door button and then watch impassively as the lift door slams into her as she tries to get in.

- Hold doors open if you are any less than 3 steps in front of a woman. Do not storm through it and allow the swing back to smack her in the face.

- When you are in a queue, do not push past her elbowing her in the ribs with your tray or your bag. If you are waiting to pay and the woman in front of you is taking a millisecond longer to keep her purse, do not thrust your money in front of her face and start throwing your groceries toward the bagging area before she takes her bags away.

- Do not make a kissy sound with your lips and direct it at a woman. In fact, do not make that sound. Period.

- If you are at a takeout or teller or anywhere with a counter and the person behind the counter is a woman, do not bang on the counter with a coin or a credit card to get her attention. A simple Excuse Me would suffice.

- Do not tailgate or cut into other people's lane without signalling or flash your lights when you're stuck in a jam. Do not be an asshole driver.
- Do not try to get a girl's attention in a club by circling your arm around her waist and yanking her away to the dancefloor. Do not try to pull her hair or her arm. This is called 'going caveman' and buddies, 'going caveman' is not cool and doesn't work. We just think you're idiots. And assholes.

- Do not yell at a woman in public.

- Do not be an asshole.

- Do not think the sun shines out of your asshole.

Michael's Tribute

Yesterday was one of the saddest days. I know this blog is about being single, of relationships, of sex or the lack of, man-rants etc. etc. But tonight, I'd like to give my two cents worth in tribute to two particular men. They are men I have never touched, or seen in real life or ever had the pleasure of having a (spoken) conversation with...but they are men I can safely say I Loved.

I have told very few people this but when I was young, I used to have an imaginary friend (it eventually evolved into an imaginary cult) (I was a lonely child). But it all stemmed from my imaginary friend. I named this friend after someone I wanted to emulate someday. Someone who, at that point, was the most famous person on earth. I named my imaginary friend Michael.

Michael was my buddy. I used to talk to imaginary Michael everyday. He was there alongside me when I fought with my brother (who would slap me for no reason and call me Small Fart). I discussed with him all the reasons I didn't like my parents when they scolded me. I whispered my dreams to him. He travelled with me to imagined worlds where I lived in an oasis andate only junk food. Michael helped me recruit members into our cult (he was the leader...I was God) (Yes, really. Like I said, I was a strange, over-imaginative child) so we could build a playground. In Michael were my dreams, fears, confusions and happiness all rolled into one.

Then there was the real Michael. The superstar. That Michael taught me to see the world in a way nobody else around me wanted to. He gave me music I could escape into. Through him I learnt to always see the good in people. To believe in them. He taught me that the world was fragile and I needed to be strong enough to want to hold it together. He taught me to find the one thing that made me happiest, to do it and do it well. Most importantly, he taught me to dream.

I want to thank both Michaels. Real and imaginary for giving me that. For giving me the power to believe that creativity was a starting point in healing the world. I 'd like to thank them for making my childhood full of hope, imagination and fun. They inspired me. But mostly, I want to thank them both for being such dear friends.

They are both gone now...One slipped away from my imagination when I wasn't looking and the other slipped away from our world yesterday.
But I like to think they are not so far away. They are not so lost just like our childhoods are not so lost to us. They live on as giants in our hearts.

We Belong Together

We Belong Together lyrics - Mariah Carey lyrics

We Belong Together Video - Mariah Carey Music Videos

Music Videos by VideoCure

Wentworth Miller is probably the finest of fine men. Which is why Mariah chooses to run away from her wedding with him. Which got me thinking about men you would like to stay single for. You know, men so hot that you just might want to skip out and put your wedding on hold.

Men I'd Ditch My Very Own Wedding For:

1) Wentworth Miller
Because he is the perfect man and I would skip all weddings for him. And he has a bitchin' car in the video.

2) Brandon Boyd
Recently reacquainted myself with this old flame and humuhna humuhna...imagine if he turned up at YOUR wedding shirtless and playing the bongos and wanted you to run away with him? Yes, please.

3) Christian Bale
He so scary, you better run away with him...else he might just punch you out, sling you over his back and kidnap you. Not that you'd mind.

4) JC Chasez
Oh shut up, because I loved him before I loved anybody else including my poor future hubby to be. And you should really really be with your first love. Well, I should be. So there.

5) Gael Garcia Bernal
Ok, the man is so pretty he could reduce me to tears by simply glancing at me. And he is me corazon. Tequiero.

The Asshole Gene

Maybe men are born with an *asshole gene*. They can't help it. Just like maybe women are born with a *bitch gene*.
Some men's *asshole genes* are just more latent than others. Just make sure if you find a man, his *asshole gene* is kept in check. Use your *bitch gene* if necessary.

How To Tell You're Getting Despo

#1 You've started to believe the FB Quiz that your Celebrity Boyfriend really IS Robert Pattinson and you've devised a long list of reasons on why he really SHOULD be your boyfriend. ( eg. he has messy hair, you have messy hair, he mumbles, you mumble - it's just logical you're MFEO) (Made For Each Other - a term I learnt from Kavana)

#2 You start high-fiving yourself for simply being in the vincinity of attractive older men (even though one of them is like, a cousin and the other is like, your boss)

#3 You've just started a really long letter in your head to the FLOYL (Former Love Of Your Life) detailing to him why he should really dump the German ho and be with you because you loved him first and also that Asian women are more subservient and will ultimately pleasure him more than any stupid kinky German tricks a ho picks up on Eurotrash.

#4 Your friends have started to tell you that you need to go out with someone... ANYONE including a sleazy looking balding doctor with a possible BO problem. (No thankss)

#5 You decide that it's time to message the perfect guy you went on a blind date with (whom you ran away from and haven't contacted since) and tell him that you've publicly announced that he's Perfect. You also panic when he wants to add you on messenger because your profile pic is one of you being felt up by an oiled muscle man.

#6 You've started to consider how to possibly get back in touch with that oiled muscle man. (You also regret not asking him to sling you over his shoulder and take you home with him)

#7 You start to wonder if your gay best friend might consider doing you a little favour by not being gay for one night. Or two. Or maybe possibly just marry you for convenience sake.

#8 You find yourself suddenly being really attracted to Marilyn Manson.

How To Spot A Rotten Egg

Courtesy of L-Pots who has been ON FIRE lately. I love this post and I love the person who wrote it more...Here's to spotting the bad from the good.

We don't set out to get heartbroken. Men who have broken us are men we thought were the good stuff. How do we tell the good ones from the bad?

How to detect a rotten egg?

1) First of all, have a set of level headed friends (which I'm thankful for) who will tell you when you go wrong.

2) If you hear of rumours about your possible/future/intended/current man, be wary. Clarifying rumours with him is one thing. Believing his explanation is another.

3) If your friends do not like him and you have to tell yourself that your friends do not know him as well as you do and therefore they misunderstand, be wary. Your popot is doing the thinking here.

4) If he ever uses the line, "I didn't think you needed to know because you would only get paranoid", be wary. It's not for him to decide what you need to know.

5) If you feel inadequate being with him.

6) Do not assume ugly men will make good boyfriends/husbands/partners. Bad men come in all shapes and sizes.

7) If he is forever declaring his love for you in private but not introducing you to his friends - Bad egg.

8) If he feels the need to hide the relationship due to 'circumstances' - Double bad egg.

9) If he has a bad history. 10 girlfriends in less than a year. Watch out. We are not THAT special to change a man. We may be able to clench our popot walls during sex but we don't practise witchcraft, do we?

10) If he says, "I've never felt this way before...". Of course he hasn't. Each relationship is different. Your relationship with your mother is different from your relationship with your father.

I say being single is great. Being in a relationship with a good man is great too. We just need to fish the good ones out.

It's In The Cards

I had a tarot reading yesterday and all was well right up until it came to the reading about my Love life. If you happen to have these things happen to you in the course of a week, then it's time to stay away from the dating game (at least for now):

#1 Your tarot reading tells you that there will be guys coming your way in the near future, however, the next card that you get is a dead man with 5 swords in his back.

#2 You're falling asleep at 10pm reading the scariest book a woman can read (The Game by Neil Strauss)

#3 Every new person you meet might put you at risk of the H1N1 virus aka Swine Flu. (better stay at home, if you go into crowded places, wear a mask - also not the best accessory for dating..unless u're into weird dating)

#4 You dream that you grow into a 40 something year old escort who takes fat old white men out dancing.

#5 Your family members start to think you're 'loose woman' because your FB updates have started to suggest you're getting up to too many *tricks*

The Wrong Crush (Cont'd) - The Mute Button

When you stalk someone for close to 5 years... Ask anyone who has the remotest connection to him if they'd introduce you...Stalk his facebook...Plan what you would say to him should you ever meet him (because the last two times you have, you became a complete spastic)...and when you hope to see him but haven't in the last 2 years....

When he sits ONE row behind you in the cinema...and when he is standing one step in front of you at the stairs exiting the cinema...when he is but an arm's length away as you walk outside the cinema...when he gets into the lift behind you...when you're standing 2 inches away from his beautiful face in the lift...

YOU DO NOT

Have a panic attack so big that your verbal diaorrhea mouth completely clams up. And you stand there quivering like a spastic (while your friend actually talks to him) with a stupid smirk on your face like you're holding a particularly smelly fart in.

WTF???

YOU SHOULD

Be like hey...what's up. I'm the girl who called you once. We spoke on the phone. You're a bit of an asshole but that's ok I like that. *flirty flirty* Btw, you're the only man in the country I'd date. I love your toned torso, you twatty fine man. *lick*

At least smiled at him as you exited the lift instead of running out of it with your hand on your head as if you're about to faint in a Malay kampung aunty style.

Ergh.

If you're going to regret it more if you DON'T do it. Then DO it.

the wrong kind of men

i’ve decided to compile a list of horror stories my sisters, girlfriends, gay friends and i went through with men. feel free to add on.

do note that all these are different men and they’re still roaming the earth so be careful if you meet them!

- the one who had a long distance relationship and cheated on her and continued cheating when she went back. she caught him kissing another girl in the sea and later slapped him three times until his mouth bled. he raised his hand to return the slap but was held back by his friends.

- the one who was with the guy for five years and ignored rumours about him being bi-sexual despite the rampant stories. in the end, he broke up with her to find himself (i.e. be gay).

- the one who was born and bred in singapore but has a strange twangy foreign accent and felt the need to podcast about it.

- the one who had a baby with her and relentlessly cheated on her again and again.

- the one who held a cleaver to her neck when she wanted to leave the house and started to stalk her, hack into her email and created fake social networking accounts. the police were called in and she now has a restraining order against him.

- the one who forced her to do acts against her own will in hotel 81.

- the one who ruined most of her birthday by ignoring her and not wanting to acknowledge that it was a special day for her.

- the one who ran away into the arms of another woman after 12 years of being together and she paying for his education.

- the one who suddenly broke up for no reason and spitefully threw a post-break up birthday present back at the face.

- the married one who is a devout christian and church leader but still strayed.

- the one who broke up with her after she had already bought an air ticket to fly over to see him.

- the one who promised to be together with her just so she would relent to having sex with him.

- the one who cheated on her when she was pregnant.

*shudder* no wonder i love zombie movies. they’re like melted butter on popcorn and bouncy air castles compared to the horror men have put women through.

do you have any to add?

The Wrong Crush

Ok, let's talk about my current crush (a pesky little bugger who WON'T go away). I think I should introduce him (officially) to the blog. 

My current crush, as in real life crush (because I have many many many non-real life crushes of whom I can go into great detail in a later post)...anyway, yes, my current real life crush shall be known as Ridic. 

Ridic's Stats are so:

Looks: Cute (a 7.5 I'd say)

Height: Short 

Personality: Funny but twatty 

Reputation: Serial playa / asshole / childish

Length of crush: Since 2005 (very embarrassing I know, but this includes a 2 1/2 year hiatus) 

Contact: In 4 years, I have come face to face with Ridic 3 times. Spoken to him on the phone once. Emailed him twice. Have him add me on Facebook. (I have never spoken to Ridic face to face...reasons for this explained below).

------

Ridic F2F Contact Part 1 : I was young, I thought he was normal...I could've talked to him. He *almost* talked to me. But alas, our paths never crossed close enough to initiate anything. Ah, the regret!

Ridic F2F Contact Part 2: In my DEFENSE, I hadn't seen him for 2.5 years and entertained the romantic fantasy that he would be one of those people I would never ever see again, so he became this beautiful unattainable thing. Then he turns up standing behind Sue at an event and the shock of seeing this unattainable beautiful thing standing behind my best friend ordering a beer sent me into what can be described as 'over-excitement'. It rendered me incapable of speech or any basic human interaction. To cut a long story short, poor Sue had to escort me out of the club and make me eat something before I could function like a normal human being. By the time we went back in, Ridic had sidled next to some buxom skank and I could only stand and stare. Oh well. At least we were now in the same city. Only a matter of time before I saw him again. (or so I thought).

ALMOST 2 YEARS LATER...

Ridic F2F Contact Part 3: I'll let the next post describe it :( 

New Depths of Low

I know THIS is supposed to be inspirational and I'm supposed to be like, YES YOU TOO CAN FIND A MAN! Just hang around the joke shop and wait for someone to save you from touching the joke Poo which that isn't really joke Poo but really a souvenir from the house cat. 

But THIS is exactly what happens when you aren't happy being single. You have to subject yourself to 1001 Ways To Meet Mr. Right. In other words, 1001 Ways To Stalk A Poor Unsuspecting Sod And Forcing Him To Give You His Number. 

I was actually approached to try out just some of these fabulous ways to meet men. However, since recent *events* that involved matchmaking (more on this later) I politely declined. But my poor FSG (Fellow Single Girl) wasn't so lucky. And so began a (I can only imagine) uncomfortable and long day of standing around flea markets, popcorn counters and car washes trying to give surreptitiously inviting looks to boys. 

Tsk tsk. I said it then and I say it now...if you had to put so much effort into meeting someone who will probably turn out to be an asshole, I rather be alone. Really. 

The Joys of Being Alone Part I

# Alone lets you sit around painting your nails 

# Alone lets you eat a spoonful of coffee creamer with nobody around to go 'eww'

# Alone allows you to never feel the sting of a cheating partner

# Alone lets you sit around at 2am looking like a ghost with your face mask on

# Alone lets you not talk to anyone

# Alone allows you to not be disappointed

# Alone lets you erect a giant poster of Sam Worthington in your room to stare at for hours

# Alone allows you to be late

# Alone allows you to have deep insightful conversations with yourself

Taken Or Not Taken (Part II)

As a footnote to the whole Sleazy Taken Dude (STD - I've changed the acronym so it now looks even sleazier..hawhaw)...

Here are more signs of an STD.

#1 They flirt like crazy but if you suggest taking things further, their palms start to sweat.

#2 They'll most probably feign a life crisis to make you feel sorry for them. (eg. his Mum put him down when he was a wee boy and this is the reason he's so fucked up)

#3 They'll suggest commitment but only as far as getting you into bed and staying there for the next couple of hours.

#4 If you talk about another man they'll get extremely jealous and if you ask about any other women they might be interested in, they get incredibly defensive.

#5 They never want to go back to their place. (and they'll give lame excuses like, oh...my grandma is senile and walks around the house naked)

Ladies, I can't say the STD isn't a tempting thought. What a thrill. And fuck, he's hot so why the hell not? But he's a sneaky bugger and ultimately an asshole and a coward. So STAY AWAY...
All together now....HEY, ARE YOU SINGLE?

Taken or Not Taken?

It has dawned on me that at 26, I am at an age where I am becoming susceptible to a certain type of man taking an interest. We are now open to being victims to the type of man who will hit on us regardless if they have a girlfriend, wife, child or (not so ex) ex in the wings.

To prevent my fellow girls from falling into the trap of the Sleazy/Hamsap/Gatal Taken Man, here are some steps you should take the next time you find yourself wondering.

#1 -When you are deep in convo with the SHGTM, first and foremost you must pose this question: Hey, are you single?

#2 - If the SHGTM takes more than 4 secs to answer you, raise the alarm and RUN AWAY. You should also employ the same reaction if he either shifts uncomfortably when asked, if his eyes glaze over or he looks wisful, if he suddenly becomes deaf or if he answers you with a sleazy/hamsap/gatal smile.

#3 (a)- If the SHGTM says 'Yes, I am single', then you must be sure he answers you straightaway and looks you in the eye.

#3 (b) - If the SHGTM says 'No, I'm not...does it matter?'...your SHGTM has obviously turned into a Professional Asshole. A Professional Asshole is not worth your time. You should either RUN VERY FAR AWAY or slap him.

#4 - After the single question has been asked and answered, you must still take precautions. If the SHGTM starts to fidget everytime his phone rings, you must ask him: 'Hey, who's this that keeps calling you?'

#5 - If the SHGTM becomes deaf again or looks annoyed or glares at you, raise the alarm and RUN AWAY. Also do this if he starts laughing hysterically, or if he says 'It's my mother.'

#6 - If you have neglected to ask the all too important single question, you can also keep in mind some hints that you are dealing with a SHGTM. He will most probably only be available when he's overseas. He won't play hard to get with you. He will complain about the bad habits of 'certain' other women. He will most definitely not want to be seen in very public places with you.

The SHGTM is quite a sneaky bugger. He will most probably try to convince you that he is single, available, and really into you so please beware and trust your instincts. You are now at a vulnerable age where men may not be single, available and madly into you without hidden clauses.

First Looks

You know what's nuts? I remember the first time I noticed/met every one of my crushes. I don't know about you, but if you can remember the first time you saw someone and remember exactly what you thought about him, it's got to count for something.

In a homage to first looks I shall list the first time I noticed some of my more memorable crushes. Lalala.

1) Ridic - 'this is the sort of normal dude I should be dating'. HAH. *normal* my arse! How the hell was I supposed to know he'd become a pseudo-celebrity royal playa extraordinnaire? Anyway, Ridic Part III has made me realise he should be crossed OFF the crush list.

2) Cali-Boy - I was crossing the street one cold winter night and there he was in a blue hoodie jumper looking back at me. I thought, 'oh my God, he's so hot, I want to marry him.' But he was a ho-lovin' loser. Pah.

3) Feta - He was waiting at the bus stop and greeted his Mom when she got off the bus with a big hug. Aww. But don't let that deceive you, after Feta I've decided that it is wise to... *STAY AWAY FROM GREEK BOYS*

Sadly I am crushless now. Suggestions are welcome.

10 signs you know you're moving on

so, you've just broken off a relationship with someone you thought you'd spend the rest of your life with. now you realise and have accepted that conversations about the future, the wild awesome sex, the familiarity of someone you thought you'd grow old with... will never be a part of your life anymore.

sure, it's upsetting. but what's more upsetting is if you allow yourself to brood and wallow in self-pity. your friends will start to avoid you because you bawl about the same thing. you start to doubt and question yourself repeatedly. your self-esteem plummets to an all-time low. you feel like you'll never be the same person ever again.

but, wait! there's hope. loads of women have managed to crawl through a disastrous break-up and survived to tell the tale. and if you notice, moving forward, they all start to regard the break-up as a tool to toughen them up. build a spine of steel. not to sit there and take anymore shit in the next relationship. be there with sagely advice for the next friend who allows a man to trample all over her.

look to these women as inspiration. take the time to let the depression, anger and sorrow melt away to be replaced with optimism and joy. and you know you're ready for the next relationship with open arms (and legs teehee) when the following happen.

1) the ex messages you and instead of grabbing for your phone and replying immediately like you always did, you just coolly shrug it off and do something more worthwhile than replying... like cleaning the cat's litter box.

2) you see him again and your heart doesn't pound like it's about to break out of your chest. instead, you survey him and while you still have fleeting thoughts of "what if..."... they're just fleeting and you stop dwelling.

3) when you go to your happy place to make yourself um... happy, you stop thinking about him and instead imagine sam worthington cumming with you to make you live.

4) you stop sussing for stories about him from third party sources. you don't bother to hear anything about what he's up to or who he's seeing.

5) you hear he's seeing someone new (or in my case, going back to someone old) and you just hope one day he'll find the happiness he's looking for instead of being a lost boy.

6) you don't have to skip songs in your ipod anymore because they don't cause a painful jolt whenever you hear something that reminds you of him. so i say welcome back to elvis presley, metallica and the la bamba soundtrack!

7) you stop comparing other guys to him. just because he could make you laugh, doesn't mean other guys won't!

8) you re-evaluate your priorities in life. while almost everything used to revolve around him, you start thinking about yourself more and this is the part where "no limit" by 2 unlimited should play in your head.

9) you can stay alone at home now and be sure you won't fall into a black brooding spell that is fuelled by memories and things of the past. i found the best way to overcome this was to download something entertaining to watch and have a purring cat sleep beside me.

10) you can look back at what happened and take it as a lesson learnt instead of breaking out in sniffles. one day, you will even smile and laugh at yourself for the silly things you did and said.

so there you go. 10 signs you know you're moving on to greater things!

The Good Crush

Courtesy of Ms. Potsie:

MSN and FB stalked Hun Bun today. I don't even know why I bother.
But what are crushes for if not to make one's heart go doop doop occasionally?

5 reasons why crushes are great:
1) Time filler

2) Heady rush when you ACTUALLY speak to him

3) Crushes are always, always perfect men in our minds.

4) For plots, plots, komplots and more plots.

5) They never ever break your heart.

Stamped With An L

Why is it that when a Loser hooks up with some poor unsuspecting girl, they suddenly find it pertinent for them to confess their former feelings for you (which you already knew about anyway and were desperately trying to avoid?)

They try to make it sound like *ooh, you missed a boat there.* THEY had a crush on you. and YOU avoided them. Now you're single, and they're massively loved up. One point for them, and NO points for you. Big bummerrrr.

Don't they realise that you'd rather be single than to have ever had to put up with the embarrassment of going out with them?

Just coz you have a girlfriend now does not make you any less of a LOSER.
And let's be honest, we all know you'd dump your girlfriend if I said yes to you now.

Over and Out

Signs you are over the FLOYL (Former Love of Your Life).

- When you FB stalk him, you suddenly get distracted by photos of his best friend's ass.

- You start FB stalking his best friend and spend the next half hour doing so. (This time you're not doing it just to find pics of the FLOYL)

- You come across a particularly hot pic of the FLOYL and you don't imagine having steamy sex with him.

- When you see a pic of the FLOYL cozied up with some skinny dark haired ho, you shrug and say to yourself 'good for him'.

- You start to see exactly what your friends meant when they said 'he looks like a monkey'.

- When someone mentions 'The One' you no longer think about him laughing and being all lovely...instead your vision gets clouded by images of Christian Bale topless, sounding husky and looking intense. *quiversome*

Rules Of The Ridic (Part I)

You know what's Ridiculous?

Ridiculous is women still going out and believing that just around the corner The One might bump into her.

Ridiculous is believing that The One is some perfect person who will sweep you off your feet.

Ridiculous is thinking someone you may have met somewhere or seen briefly, could've been The One.

Ridiculous is hoping against hope that someone you left or left you had been The One.

Ridiculous is building someone up to be The One.


So many Ridiculous notions we come up with to try and convince ourselves that being single isn't ok. That we must, by hook or by crook, find someone who *completes* us. Who's to say we won't fall apart more after meeting this inevitable character?
And who's to say there can be just ONE person that fits? Why can't there be more than one The Ones?

I wish we would stop this Ridiculousness. Even just for a day. Stop looking. Be free. Be happy with being One. Why does it have to be a lonely number? Why can't it be one of strength? Hmm?

What's the most Ridiculous, is that after all this, I don't think you'd listen to me. Because, in a stupid ridiculous way, I hardly listen to myself.
We should really give each other slaps for being this Ridiculous now, shouldn't we?

How To Get Over The Ex 101

1) Block him on Facebook (FB). 

2) Find a rebound. Not quite sure how this works, but most people have testified that it's an efficient tool.

3) Block his number on your phone.

4) Stay on your side of the city.

5) If you do bump into the ex, pretend that you didn't see him/her.

6) Throw every gift out. From lingerie right down to the homemade bookmark.

7) Go out, hang out or sleep.

8) Re-read Maslow's theory.

9) Get involved in joss (jossip = gossip). Distract self from own life.

10) Get a crush. Get many crushes. Get a whole lot of crushes.

- Courtesy of Ms. Potsie -

Mr. Maturity

Here's what NOT to do when you're trying to go after a guy who is super mature, sophisticated and out of your league.

1 - Call him Anal within the first 10 minutes of meeting him.
2 - When he goes silent at your remark, snort and go 'maybe not Anal, but stuck up'.
3 - If he crosses your path on the way to the toilet say to him loudly 'exsqueezzee me, but I need to peeee realllyyyy badllyyyyy'. (and make a joke of ur rhyming sentence)
4 - If he asks you what you did on the weekend say 'I lost my voice coz I was screaming at a BSB concert and tried to get backstage.'
5 - When he calls you 'Babe' giggle uncontrollably for the next 10 seconds.
6 - If he offers you a ciggy take the ciggy from him then start coughing uncontrollably when you try to smoke it. If you don't smoke, simply say 'I don't smoke.'
7 - Have your gay friend shout 'Hey HAMSAP PUKI PO!' from across the bar when you are sitting with him.
8 - If he doesn's acknowledge you or say Hi to you, shout at him from across the room and say 'OI MR.LANSI! WASSUP?'
9 - Tell him that you own Paris Hilton's album.
10 - Tell him he reminds you of your granduncle.

How To Attract The Wrong Men 101

1. Establish a reputation as a beer drinker. Wrong men tend to look at beer drinking girls as temporary distractions.
2. Listen to overly emo songs and play victim. Wrong men want to be the hero who breaks your heart later.
3. Wear tank tops and mini denims in a corporate environment. If possible, wear CFM shoes. Remember the 'low cut high cut' rule.
4. Insert the occasional 'chow chee bai' in your daily conversations. Or 'pookee cheebye'. Whichever makes you comfortable.
5. Say "Hey hansom, you rock my boat" to strange men.

- Courtesy of FSG (fellow single girl) Potsie -

Overheard

Today I was standing in line and overheard two girls behind me talking about being single.
Girl A: My cousin asked me..Why I still single?
Girl B: Then?
Girl A: I say 'How I know?'
Girl B: Yaloh!
Girl A: Then my cousin was like, 'I know why. You lesbian.'

So it's come to this. If you haven't got a man. You must be lesbo. But then, it still doesn't explain why you're alone instead of cuddled up next to a butch. Hmm.

In The Beginning There Was One

I've had an epiphany last weekend when chilling with my best girls. I have never had my heart broken. And the reason is this: I'm too damn self-involved. 

I used to think it was because I was 'born solitary'. As in solitude suited me. It sounds so clever. It might imply that I am a great thinker...v.v.smat.

But the truth is there. I love myself far too much to 'fall, break, and hurt' as Ms.Prontip so aptly put it. I've been so in love with myself that for the last 26 years, I have tried deluding myself into thinking I wasn't happy. I can't be. I am single. I am alone. I'm sad. But you know what, I'm happy. I know I know, that's a big word. Eek. But there it is.

So the question here to ask is, is it alright to be happy and be alone? Why does it even have to be a question?

Oh because, I'm Asian, I'm single, I'm approaching 30 and someone once called me a Plain Jane. The odds are against me. Hold up, and another thing; I have virtually no money to my name. Which is all grim grim grim. 

But here I am, proclaiming that I'm happy. So shouldn't we try at least to not snigger at the thought?