Foot in Mouth

let’s say you’ve met a man who you like. and he’s asked for your phone number. you feel warm and fuzzy inside and almost burst when he calls you to ask you out.

when preparing for your date, you feel the excitement and anticipation coursing through your bones. you meet him and he takes you for a nice dinner. over dinner, the both of you engage in conversation.

when the date ends, you feel a stab of disappointment that such potential fizzled out as quickly as it started.

was it because he said any one of these things?

- i usually don’t date girls who look like you. did you know my ex used to be a model? she was in FHM before.

- i hope none of my friends see us here.

- my parents? i don’t really know. haven’t seen them in over three years cos i'm too busy with work and playing WoW.

- i really enjoyed this date, dawn. (but your name’s karen)

- wow, look at the tits on that waitress. c'mere baby! HONKA HONKA!

- so how’s your health lately? did i tell you i work part time as an insurance agent and my company has just introduced these new schemes that i think would be suitable for you.

- oh, you live in the same neighbourhood as me! what a coincidence! anyway, i enjoyed dinner tonight. let me walk you to the bus stop as it's on the way to my car.

- what are you doing for christmas? want to spend it together? (and it’s only july)

- oh dear, i seem to have left my wallet at home (says this while waiter is hovering with the bill)

- my wife and i aren’t divorced yet. we’re just going through a trial separation to see how it is living apart. if we do get divorced, i hope i get custody of our seven kids.

- huh? michael jackson’s dead? since when? i don't really keep up to date with the news.

- oh my god! i totally read the sweet valley series when i was a teenager too! my favourite character is ned wakefield! such a dreamboat!

- what did you eat again? including service charge and GST, you owe me $42.10. but it's okay, just pay me $42.

- is it raining? oh man, i don't want to get my new perm wet!

- i don't usually sleep with women on the first date but for you, i'll make an exception.

- yes, drinks sound like a nice idea. let me call my mom first to let her know cos i'll be staying out past my curfew

The 2010 Single Girl

From Craigslist:hot guy selling my underwear – 24 (albany)
I’m a 24 year old guy trying to make some extra cash selling my underwear or other items you’re into. E-mail and let me know what you want and what you want done to them.

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Ok, enough with the complaining and sad jokes for now...2010 is about the happy single girl. Be happy, be free and be open to options I say. 

In ode to the new year, here's a few things you need to keep in mind to be 2010's happy single girl...

>> Don't see in the year feeling lonely. (I don't want to hear of single girls seeing in the TwentyTen cooped up somewhere sad and alone. Go out, get some friends over, and see it in singing and laughing)

>> Don't think of being single as the new sad thing. Being single is cool and fresh and fun.

>> Keep a list of cheap thrills. (The holiday season is the best time to be at your flirtiest, cheap thrills will be abundant)

>> Don't think of the next year as another year you're slipping toward spinsterhood. Think of it as another year you're free from the shackles of wife/strife-dom.

>> When people ask you why you're still single...the new year's answer will be: 'Because 2010 is an Asexual year'. 

>> If people ask you when you're going to get married the new year's answer will be: "I'm waiting for 2012, let's see if the world ends before I get married eh?" 

We forget in our desperation to be thankful for what we have. And what exactly do we have? Well, for starters, we have a whole year ahead full of new hot men and more time to seek out those elusive great ones we keep harping on about. 

Subway Sandwich

I don't think I get signs of interest that men give me. I'm the sort of girl who is oblivious to all these mild flirtations. If you like me, please tell me straight. Don't try and give me strange signs and expect me to pick up on it. 

Example 1:

Boy brushes hair from off my face. (I think he's trying to pull one of my white hairs out)

Example 2:

Boy tells me to sleep on his duvet. (I neglect to comprehend it's an invitation to sleep underneath the duvet WITH him)

Example 3: 

Boy asks me to watch him change. (I think it's coz he wants my fabulous fashion advice)

Example 4:

Boy tries to inadvertently put arm round me. (I think it's coz he needs me to prop him up coz he's too drunk)

Example 5:

Boy tries to offer me a job when he has no money himself (I think he's trying to scam me)

Example 6:

Boy sends me topless photo of himself (I think he's asking me for work out tips). 

Turn Your Head Now Baby

Repost from Potsie:

So apparently not all relationships start with a “will you be my girlfriend?” followed by a hug. How do you know its the starting point if no one pops the question? It’s important cos you’re supposed to get presents every anniversary. Personally, I prefer the type of relationship where you celebrate every month. More presents.

Here are some hints:

1) After the first kiss - Michelle Douglas (2007). His Christmas Angel. Chatswood Aus: Harlequin Mills & Boons

2) After falling into bed (cos they so lustful for each other) – Susan Donovan (2002). Knock Me Off My Feet. New York USA: St Martin’s Press

3) After reading stories to his grandmother - Julia Quinn (2006). It’s In His Kiss. Great Britain: Piatkus Books Ltd

4) After ‘accidentally’ putting his mouth on her boob cos there was a bee sting – Julia Quinn (2006). The Viscount Who Loved Me. Great Britain: Piatkus Books Ltd

‘Accidental’ senarios are good cos that way you can blame it on the accident and not your hiaoness therefore maintaining your sacredness and purity.

Glossary:

Hiaoness - Kegatalan / Horniness

I Hear You're Living Outta State

In fantasy:
You are tall, beautiful and slightly sad. You hold the universe in your hands. You can tell me stories that never end. You make me laugh just by being in the room. You walk hand in hand with me even in our dreams. You are a prince that has a pauper's wisdom. You have a crooked smile and messy hair. You can play the guitar. You like books that I like. You write letters to me in your head. You can dance with me in the moonlight. You make me feel safe. You are never late. You can talk me to sleep when I'm scared. You love only me, always have, always will. You are immortal as am I.

In reality:
You're a vampire character in a badly written book.
Oh poo.

Homemade Meat Balls

Repost from Potsie: 

when i was 5, i thought i’d grow up looking like barbie doll. cos my grandma said so. back then, i didn’t know grandma’s love could be so biased.

when i was 5, i had my first crush. i slow danced with that boy. he proceeded to put his hands into his shorts to scratch his butt. then placed it back on my shoulder.

when i was 13, i thought i’d marry jonathan taylor thomas. i thought we were truly MFEO. i’d memorize his biodata (source: tigerbeat magazine) and discovered we had the same passions. i’d do “are you what JTT is looking for??” quizzes and get all the right answers. my love knew no boundaries. i thought i’d move to US of A and marry him.

i’m now 27 and the day is exceptionally good if i get to pangsai twice. full load, mind you.

Glossary:

MFEO - Made For Each Other

pangsai - poop

The Importance of Poo

It occurred to me that no single woman can be a happy single woman if she does not have other single woman around her to bitch about being single with.

That said I am immensely thankful for the many many girls who have made being single actually look and feel quite cool.

Just a shout out really to name but a few...

Potsie - For understanding the importance of poo. And for demonstrating how big an elephant's dingaling actually is.

Pervy Piscean - For reminding me everytime she sticks her hand down some male model's jeans that being single 'feels' really good.

Kiaks - For showing me that you can make neurotic rants look sexy.

Ms. M & Ms. J - For making me feel like I'm not alone everyday.

Mili - For being the sort of single girl I want to be when I grow up.

But the not so single girls that I know are also worth a mention, they make me feel like I could never really be alone...

Desert Princess - For being the person I would marry had you been born a man. Why? Why? Can't I find a man like you?

Bally - For teaching me about the importance of juggling balls.

Prontip - For teaching me practically everything I know and for not succumbing to peer pressure and becoming my actual lesbo partner. Kaka.

Kachuak & Tek - For being the sort of girls I want to mould myself into because you're the marriageable types.

Married or Engaged

Things I thought I would be by the time I hit my late 20s:

1) Engaged

2) Married

3) Pregnant

4) Living in a big foreign city

5) Hotter

6) Thinner

7) Richer

8) Own a fabulous wardrobe

9) Broken many hearts

10) Be on the way to having a white picket fence 

Ye of Little Faith (part II)

See, you can't even rely on men to have a little faith in you...

UMF (Unsuspecting Male Friend) says:

What do I get outta the marriage?

Happsgirl says:

A good wife.

UMF says: 

my idea of a good wife is a lil different

Happsgirl says:
whats a good wife to u?

massage ur feet every day ah?

UMF - says:

ah i rather not be too explicit
might scare u off

Happsgirl says:

i can hire people to do that for u

if i get scared off

UMF - says:

adventurous, kinky, open-minded
all good

Happsgirl says:

is that what makes a good wife?

 my god

i should put that up on my dating profile

UMF - says:
no...that's just somethin to tag on with the conventional wife model

im just a dirty teenage boy

Happsgirl says:

how u know i meant the conventional wife model when i said good wife?

UMF - says:
i assumed
i dont know how kinky u are.

Happsgirl says:

u'll find out if u sign backup husband contract

UMF - says:

hmmm....can do an advance ?

Happsgirl says:

nope

its like a prenup

u only find out once u sign

UMF - says:

i rather a sample of things to come

don't wanna be scammed

Happsgirl says:

ye of little faith

UMF - says:

u don't wanna live up to your billing huh?

Happsgirl says:

i can live up to it

but i must have contractual agreement to my demands

UMF - says:

im just askin for a sample...not the whole deal

a taste of things to come and heck i'd sign a lifetime agreement

how does dat sound?

Happsgirl says:

Lifetime agreement? I don't want!

i want only a contractual marriage

 i dont wanna be married to u forever

UMF - says:

....
ok lo...since u wanna be such a hard sell

i'll think it over

Ye Of Little Faith

You can't rely on men for anything. Seriously. 

You can't rely on them to offer help when you need it most.

You can't rely on them to feel better about yourself.

You can't rely on them to hold doors open for you.

You can't rely on them to be polite.

You can't rely on them to marry you.

You can't rely on them to look after themselves for you.

Hmph. You can't even rely on them to be nice for you for oh, I don't know 5 seconds. 

But that's just me, over the last few days, I've noticed that all the men around me are either simply un-dependable. 

To The Boyzzzz

Over the last month, at least 5 men have come to me with a confession...

No, they weren't secretly madly in love with me. Boo.

But they do read this blog. Eek. 

I am having some trouble though, with the idea that men read this blog. It troubles me for these reasons:

#My personal brand of single girl neuroses is open to male judgement. 

#Men might think all women think this way. (i sincerely hope not)

#I am sealing my fate as a single girl as most of the men who have told me they read this blog are actually cute, eligible single men. (who may now be scared off)

# I wanted above all else, for this to be a place women came to commiserate and be entertained, and not BE the entertainment. 

Yah, but that said, I'm just happy anyone reads this at all. But please, if you ARE male and you have something to contribute to any of this, then by all means, give me a shout out. 

Oh you can also give me a shout out if you want to date me DESPITE this. (I am officially in panic mode). kaka. 

Why Younger Men Rock

I think I have successfully proven that younger men are the way forward. Thank you...goodnight. 

I'm going to be single forever

Well, it's official. I'm in panic mode.

Signs you're in panic mode:

1 - You start going through your Facebook friend's list and separate the single from the non-single male friends.

2 - You message your male friends relentlessly to get some attention.

3 - You suddenly realise your wardrobe has nothing that shows off your cleavage (no matter how non-existent it is)

4 - You've started writing letters to an assortment of hot celebrities again.

5 - You start to track down the exes who have disappeared. 

6 - You start to flirt back with men who repulse you.

7 - You contemplate lesbianism seriously.

8 - You badger a kind male friend into becoming your 'back up'. 

9 - You try to make 'spinster pacts' with your girlfriends.

10 - You can't sleep because you're up all night internet stalking potential dates.