Askew Me Please

Ever get that feeling of being SO DAMN FED UP with waiting for a nice bloke to just come up to you and ask you out? Here are some tried and tested ways to strike up a conversation with someone who has caught your attention.

1) 'Nice hair. You're straight, right?' (Caution: this has to be done with extreme flirty flair. Don't come across as a scary butch lesbian who may be into pretty boys. Make sure it looks like a compliment and not an insult).
If the boy answers 'No, does it make me look gay?' Follow up with something slightly insulting but flirty at the same time. If the boy answers 'Yeah, I am'...then follow up with something fag-haggy like 'Then darling, you have to give me the name of your stylist.'

2) 'Hi, you're hot. Do you wanna be in my photo shoot?' (Caution: Only do this if you have the credentials to back up your lie, or if you really DO want him to be in a photo shoot).

3) 'Our friends seem to be hitting it off. Shall we watch?' (Caution: Make sure your friend really is hitting it off with his friend. Also don't come across as a pervy ho trying to get in on some threesome action. More so, don't get so engrossed in watching you forget who you're concentrating on)

4) 'Scuse me, I don't know you' (Caution: This is best done at your own house party, or at least, at a house party where you can pretend to be the hostess...alternatively, if you've got enough panache, you can do this anywhere)

5) 'Me and my friend made a bet that you can't carry me' (Caution: Only do this with someone who looks like he can lift you like a feather. Please don't challenge someone who looks like he might have a hernia if you jumped into his arms)

6) Some loser is trying to hit on me. Can you pretend to be my boyfriend for awhile? (Caution: Please make sure he is NOT taken and available to play boyfriend duties...)

Have you tried an alternative pick up and it worked? Tell me about it! Us single girls could use all the tips we can get!!!

I Hate Hello Kitty

Let's face it...We're not spoilt for choice. Men out there are either taken, gay, crazy, assholic, players... or dead. Men our age...as in men in the 25-35 age bracket who aren't any of the previously listed things, who are single, available, cute, nice and decent? Hah! Have you met one? Do you know him? If you do...can you give him my number?

Why must we restrict ourselves to this mad notion that we should date within age check boxes? If you're in the 25-30 check box, most probably, your ideal man is in the same check box or the one directly after it. If we happen to be dating out of those check boxes ie. the 35-40 or the 20-25 boxes, it wasn't really by choice, we happened to meet just a great guy who was a little older or younger than us. But rest assured, when we dream about our dream guy, he's usually, probably, a check box not far from ours.

Like it or not, age is a deciding factor when it comes to choosing partners. But I think we're being too restrictive on ourselves here. Why SHOULD age be a factor when all things considered, it's probably the least important of factors? Sure, with age comes maturity but so does knowledge and upbringing.

I say this because, you know, with all this talk of cougars, we're all becoming slightly afraid of dating out of our age bracket. And believe it or not, this dilemma is all the more tragic for us, 20-something almost 30 types. I kid you not. Why? Well, for one, we're too bloody old to be the hot young nubile thing. And then we're slightly too green to be that sophisticated, confident Mrs. Robinson. So where do we stand? We're bound to the men who are in our age brackets simply because men out of our age bracket don't see us.

I'd like to advocate for the Hello Kitty version of a cougar (ie. cougars below age 35). There isn't even a term for us. We're just considered former party girls grasping on to the last vestibules of their wild days before morphing into the fantastic over-35-year-olds when we won't give a shit about what people think.

It's a strange crossroads to be the under-35 cougar. I mean, for one thing, men over 10 years our junior are hardly out of high school adding to the taboo of the situation. And for another, we're hardly mature enough ourselves to be considered bonafide cougars. So where do we stand? Are we ALLOWED even to date those lovely young boys that tempt our hearts?

I say YES. Young boys are just...tempting. And, well, better. (Men our age are few and far between and men older are, well, kinda dirty.) And for want of another reason other than all the generic 'younger men rock' reasons...Consider (being this age) to be your last chance to go out with a young boy and still pass for his girlfriend instead of being mistaken for his err...mother.

This is my theory: I think we should celebrate the fact that at least, we're still at an age where we are not held accountable for wearing hot pants (although, in my opinion EVERYONE who isn't Kylie Minogue should be held accountable for wearing hot pants) or sporting Hello Kitty t-shirts. We're sort of at that border of being forgiven for it. (Although I personally, wouldn't forgive myself for sporting either). So if we can be forgiven for wearing hot pants and Hello Kitty t-shirts, we can be forgiven for dating delectable 20 year olds.

So go on, now's your chance to date out of your check box. Hell, date WAY below your check box. It may be your last chance to still be able to wear Hello Kitty and be a proud, sexy cat...

Dreams Obscene

5 Reasons Why Eric Northman is the perfect fantasy:

1) He's 6'5, blonde, muscular and Nordic.

2) His bloodshot eyes and his perfectly white fanged teeth are sexy as hell.

3) He is loyal and smart.

4) His 1000 year old wisdom has given him a sense of humour.

5) He can fly.

The Tempting Taken Man

So you spot a beenie. He's fine. He's cool. He's nice to you. And then just when you think, 'hmmm', he introduces you to his lovely wife.

Damn your principles....there is a type of man who would make you consider being 'the other woman'. Should these thoughts ever cross your mind though, (DANGER DANGER!) here are a few things you can do to steer away from those evil thoughts or actions (:P)...

>> Be friends with his wife (if she's nice to you, it'll up the guilt factor), if she's a bitch, take comfort in the fact that he might have really bad taste in women.

>> When you see him and your heart goes 'doop doop doop' quickly visualise your fantasy man instead. If you don't have a fantasy man...imagine this: Brad Pitt's toned glistening body in that steamy scene in Troy.

>> If you've decided to Facebook stalk the TTM, scan his pics for happy family pics...if he has kids, look long and hard at those pictures and think about how they'd take your being a homewrecker.

>> If your TTM's pics happen to involve happy family pics of him looking hot on the beach or if looking at pics of him and his beautiful daughter/son make you want him more...close the window and open THIS window instead.

>> Find out if your TTM has a hotter, younger SINGLE brother.

Whatever you do...AVOID:

>> Arranging to meet him on the sly.

>> Ask him if he's happy with his wife.

>> Stare longingly at him any chance you get.

>> Buy night vision goggles to stalk him outside his family home.

Anticipating The Weekend

Here are some things you should do should you want to attract male attention:

1) Be pretty : never go out without your makeup and nice-smelling hair.
2) Be happy: smile a lot and don't be afraid to laugh out loud.
3) Be 'syok sendiri': Love yourself, if you think you're hot, chances are people will think the same.
4) Be flirtatious: Toss your hair, smile with your eyes, giggle.
5) Be tactile: A well placed hand on arm, a careless hug, a brush of the foot will go a long way.

Here are some things you shouldn't do should you want to attract male attention:

1) Pile on so much makeup you're a cross between Donatella Versace and Bozo the Clown.Have unwashed hair or a shaved head (unless u're Natalie Portman of course)
2) Laugh like a hyena or snort uncontrollably while laughing.
3) Start announcing how hot you are at a party (or whichever crowded area you find yourself in) to get freebies.
4) Come on too strong: Don't suffocate him with your boobs, don't toss your hair into his face, don't stare him down then lick your lips mouthing 'I want to get nasty withchoo baby'.
5) Throw your arms around him and refuse to let go, pin him to a wall and suck face with him till he turns blue, grab his groin as you walk past him.

Filed Under Miscellanous

More reasons to avoid local men...

*In the car after dinner* 

SAD (Single, Assholic, Despo) Man: Shall we go to my place?

FSG (Fellow Single Girl): Thanks for dinner but I think I better head home, I'm tired.

SAD Man: But like, I have games in my place. Come over.

FSG: No thanks, I think I better get home, I have to be up early.

SAD Man: Just come for a bit, we can watch TV.

FSG: I don't want to come over to your place.

SAD Man: But, why?

FSG: Look, I'm not going to sleep with you ok?

SAD Man. *in whiny baby voice* But..but...I WANNNNNNNN!!!

*FSG gets out of car*

To All The Boys I've Loved Before....

Fantasy husbands and fantasy boyfriends are the best. I mean, I have them to thank for my incredibly warped ideas on the kind of person I should be with. So in ode to their famous fabulous selves, here is a list of the fantastic fantasy hubbies of my past:
In chronological order (teehee)...

1) Ronan Keating 
Years of marriage: 2 years (1996-1998)
 How I proved my love: On top of the list was refusing to talk to my mother for 2 weeks until she caved into taking me to a Boyzone concert. The only time I did talk to her was to scream 'YOU JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND!' when she questioned why a stupid boy band was so important. I am also STILL the proud owner of 2 Boyzone Tshirts and a couple of copies of the Boyzone official magazine. 
Reasons for divorce: Boyzone broke up and he became a solo artist asshole. 

2) Joshua Scott Chasez (JC Chasez) 
Years of marriage: 4 years (1998 - 2002) 
Years of eternal love: 12 years (1998 - Current)
How I proved my love: I once wrote an email to JC and accidentally forwarded it to all my cool friends who were quite unaware to the extent of my FANaticism and thought I listened to Radiohead. I've also bought a couple of tops that resemble the type he wore in the 'Its Gonna Be Me' video. On the 8th of August every year I will still secretly wish him a Happy Birthday. On many of my notebooks are scribbled the initials JC of which some of my college mates thought meant I was super religious (JC= Jesus Christ too). 
Reasons for love hiatus: He started wearing yellow PVC pants and grew long greasy curls. I love him back now tho! 

3) Brandon Boyd 
Years of marriage: 2 years (2003-2005)
How I proved my love: In my 3rd year uni room, there was only one poster on the wall - a giant black and white photograph of Mr. Boyd where I liked to think I worshipped at his feet. When a friend of mine showed me a pic of his friend taken with Brandon on the day after I found out I didn't get tickets to an Incubus concert, I wrote him a suicide note saying he'd pushed me over the edge. 
Reasons for divorce: He got together with Carolyn Murphy and I thought, can't compete with that. 

4) Wentworth Miller
Years of Marriage: 3 years (2005 - 2008)
How I proved my love: When Facebook was still a relatively new phenomenon without stupid security features and moderators, I created a Wentworth Miller profile so my status could read 'Married to...Wentworth Miller' - it stayed that way for a whole year before the moderators removed my fake profile (Grrrr)
Reasons for divorce: I found out he was gay. 

There you have it, past husbands of my colourful fantasy love life. Admit it, who was yours?  

Everything Is Opposite

You know they say that given enough time, you can recover from anything. And when you're in love...or at least when you THINK you're in love, you think this is impossible. You tell yourself you will never be the same, you've changed, the shift in your universe is too huge...that person has made your whole future, past and present a different shade.

HAH.

You CAN forget. You can become exactly the person you were before THAT one person who damaged you forever.

How? Here's how:

Lose yourself. Lose everything that you knew... and when everything is lost, only collect back the pieces that don't contain scars of him/her.

---------------------------------------------------------


I came across a remnant of you by chance today and I guess, today of all days, I should've been thinking about you. But today was just like any other day... I laughed, I relaxed, I played with my hair..Today I even watched a love story and you weren't there at all. I tried though, when I held that remnant of you in my palm...I tried to conjure you up in my mind. I tried to feel some pang of regret, or pain even. I tried to remember your laugh,your voice, the way you made it so much better just by being there. I tried to capture that image of you that always made my insides twist. I tried...I really tried. But, nothing. There is nothing left of you in me...so HAH.

Epilogue to Valentine's Day

Valentine's Day this year coincided with Chinese New Year. This has special significance, seeing as it almost never happens and Feb 14th this year meant that more people were celebrating the love they had in their lives. 

In the build up to V-day or S.A.D (Single Awareness Day), there was an abundance of rom-coms on TV and everyone who had anything to say came out of the woodwork to write about why it was so great to be either partnered up or single... 

And it got me thinking, why is it that V-day is always viewed as a celebration of romantic type love only? What about all the other loves in our lives? Are they not warranted at the very least, a cursory raising of a glass too? On Valentine's Day, are we meant to push aside everything else we have in our lives to love and only celebrate our partners or mull solemnly on the lack of?

Love should be celebrated on Valentine's Day. I truly do believe that. It is a day that reminds us that there is after all, something wonderful called Love. But I don't think we should be so rigid as to what kind of Love we are celebrating.

Why is it that single people are meant to suddenly feel ashamed at their lack of having a partner? Or come out in droves defending their choice to be single? Why is that that partnered people have to insist upon themselves to announce their bliss of being in a couple?

This romantic type Love...it is not something that may happen to everyone of us. Even those of us who have a partner may still be waiting for it. When will The One turn up? When is someone going to grow into becoming The One? When will The One save me from everyone else?

We've spent so much time waiting. And waiting has made us utterly miserable. Why can't we celebrate our lives and the Love we have in it right now? If we celebrated what we have right now then we wouldn't have to wait at all. 

I don't know...but here's a thought....instead of being single and trying to defend our right to not be in love or being in a relationship and trying to defend your right to be in love...why don't we just celebrate Love? That way, at least I think, we may not miss out on how fantastic our lives actually are right now. 

Be Open, Be Free

HAHA. I knew this would happen sooner or later:

How to flirt: lessons for women

The PUA (Pick Up Artist) equivalent for women...which basically asserts that we have to have an open, approachable aura if we want men to talk to us. 

Ok. Noted.

Stuff you shouldn't do if you want men to approach you:

1) Come with a gaggle of girlfriends who want to talk about their impending weddings.

2) Hang out with a gaggle of gay-friends and lead the convo by insulting everyone's fashion sense. 

3) Make a disgusted face when a guy looks at you.

4) Make a disgusted face then go on to tell your friends to stare down said guy who looks at you.

5) If a guy says Hi, don't shoo him away with a wave of the hand.

As for men, if you want women to respond to you, please avoid doing THIS:

Guy: Hi girls!

Happsgirl: *shoos guy away with handwave*

FSG: Err, I think this guy wants to talk to us. (to guy) Hi. 

Guy: What are your names?

Happsgirl: I'm Mischa, she's Rachel (aka, Mischa Barton & Rachel Bilson from the O.C.)

Guy: Wow you guys have such nice names!

FSG: Thanks. What's your name?

Guy: I'm RAFFER.

FSG/ Rachel: What?

Guy: RAFFER! 

Happsgirl/Mischa: How do you spell that?

Guy: RAF-FER -  It's spelt R-a-p-h-a-e-l.

Happsgirl/Mischa: Oh, Ra-fah-el

Guy: No, it's RAF-FER. 

FSG/Rachel: Er, I think it's Ra-fah-el.

Guy: Oh, some people pronounce it Ra-fah-el, but for me it's RAF-FER. Call me RAF-FER.

Happsgirl & FSG: ......