Foot in Mouth

let’s say you’ve met a man who you like. and he’s asked for your phone number. you feel warm and fuzzy inside and almost burst when he calls you to ask you out.

when preparing for your date, you feel the excitement and anticipation coursing through your bones. you meet him and he takes you for a nice dinner. over dinner, the both of you engage in conversation.

when the date ends, you feel a stab of disappointment that such potential fizzled out as quickly as it started.

was it because he said any one of these things?

- i usually don’t date girls who look like you. did you know my ex used to be a model? she was in FHM before.

- i hope none of my friends see us here.

- my parents? i don’t really know. haven’t seen them in over three years cos i'm too busy with work and playing WoW.

- i really enjoyed this date, dawn. (but your name’s karen)

- wow, look at the tits on that waitress. c'mere baby! HONKA HONKA!

- so how’s your health lately? did i tell you i work part time as an insurance agent and my company has just introduced these new schemes that i think would be suitable for you.

- oh, you live in the same neighbourhood as me! what a coincidence! anyway, i enjoyed dinner tonight. let me walk you to the bus stop as it's on the way to my car.

- what are you doing for christmas? want to spend it together? (and it’s only july)

- oh dear, i seem to have left my wallet at home (says this while waiter is hovering with the bill)

- my wife and i aren’t divorced yet. we’re just going through a trial separation to see how it is living apart. if we do get divorced, i hope i get custody of our seven kids.

- huh? michael jackson’s dead? since when? i don't really keep up to date with the news.

- oh my god! i totally read the sweet valley series when i was a teenager too! my favourite character is ned wakefield! such a dreamboat!

- what did you eat again? including service charge and GST, you owe me $42.10. but it's okay, just pay me $42.

- is it raining? oh man, i don't want to get my new perm wet!

- i don't usually sleep with women on the first date but for you, i'll make an exception.

- yes, drinks sound like a nice idea. let me call my mom first to let her know cos i'll be staying out past my curfew

The 2010 Single Girl

From Craigslist:hot guy selling my underwear – 24 (albany)
I’m a 24 year old guy trying to make some extra cash selling my underwear or other items you’re into. E-mail and let me know what you want and what you want done to them.

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Ok, enough with the complaining and sad jokes for now...2010 is about the happy single girl. Be happy, be free and be open to options I say. 

In ode to the new year, here's a few things you need to keep in mind to be 2010's happy single girl...

>> Don't see in the year feeling lonely. (I don't want to hear of single girls seeing in the TwentyTen cooped up somewhere sad and alone. Go out, get some friends over, and see it in singing and laughing)

>> Don't think of being single as the new sad thing. Being single is cool and fresh and fun.

>> Keep a list of cheap thrills. (The holiday season is the best time to be at your flirtiest, cheap thrills will be abundant)

>> Don't think of the next year as another year you're slipping toward spinsterhood. Think of it as another year you're free from the shackles of wife/strife-dom.

>> When people ask you why you're still single...the new year's answer will be: 'Because 2010 is an Asexual year'. 

>> If people ask you when you're going to get married the new year's answer will be: "I'm waiting for 2012, let's see if the world ends before I get married eh?" 

We forget in our desperation to be thankful for what we have. And what exactly do we have? Well, for starters, we have a whole year ahead full of new hot men and more time to seek out those elusive great ones we keep harping on about. 

Subway Sandwich

I don't think I get signs of interest that men give me. I'm the sort of girl who is oblivious to all these mild flirtations. If you like me, please tell me straight. Don't try and give me strange signs and expect me to pick up on it. 

Example 1:

Boy brushes hair from off my face. (I think he's trying to pull one of my white hairs out)

Example 2:

Boy tells me to sleep on his duvet. (I neglect to comprehend it's an invitation to sleep underneath the duvet WITH him)

Example 3: 

Boy asks me to watch him change. (I think it's coz he wants my fabulous fashion advice)

Example 4:

Boy tries to inadvertently put arm round me. (I think it's coz he needs me to prop him up coz he's too drunk)

Example 5:

Boy tries to offer me a job when he has no money himself (I think he's trying to scam me)

Example 6:

Boy sends me topless photo of himself (I think he's asking me for work out tips). 

Turn Your Head Now Baby

Repost from Potsie:

So apparently not all relationships start with a “will you be my girlfriend?” followed by a hug. How do you know its the starting point if no one pops the question? It’s important cos you’re supposed to get presents every anniversary. Personally, I prefer the type of relationship where you celebrate every month. More presents.

Here are some hints:

1) After the first kiss - Michelle Douglas (2007). His Christmas Angel. Chatswood Aus: Harlequin Mills & Boons

2) After falling into bed (cos they so lustful for each other) – Susan Donovan (2002). Knock Me Off My Feet. New York USA: St Martin’s Press

3) After reading stories to his grandmother - Julia Quinn (2006). It’s In His Kiss. Great Britain: Piatkus Books Ltd

4) After ‘accidentally’ putting his mouth on her boob cos there was a bee sting – Julia Quinn (2006). The Viscount Who Loved Me. Great Britain: Piatkus Books Ltd

‘Accidental’ senarios are good cos that way you can blame it on the accident and not your hiaoness therefore maintaining your sacredness and purity.

Glossary:

Hiaoness - Kegatalan / Horniness

I Hear You're Living Outta State

In fantasy:
You are tall, beautiful and slightly sad. You hold the universe in your hands. You can tell me stories that never end. You make me laugh just by being in the room. You walk hand in hand with me even in our dreams. You are a prince that has a pauper's wisdom. You have a crooked smile and messy hair. You can play the guitar. You like books that I like. You write letters to me in your head. You can dance with me in the moonlight. You make me feel safe. You are never late. You can talk me to sleep when I'm scared. You love only me, always have, always will. You are immortal as am I.

In reality:
You're a vampire character in a badly written book.
Oh poo.

Homemade Meat Balls

Repost from Potsie: 

when i was 5, i thought i’d grow up looking like barbie doll. cos my grandma said so. back then, i didn’t know grandma’s love could be so biased.

when i was 5, i had my first crush. i slow danced with that boy. he proceeded to put his hands into his shorts to scratch his butt. then placed it back on my shoulder.

when i was 13, i thought i’d marry jonathan taylor thomas. i thought we were truly MFEO. i’d memorize his biodata (source: tigerbeat magazine) and discovered we had the same passions. i’d do “are you what JTT is looking for??” quizzes and get all the right answers. my love knew no boundaries. i thought i’d move to US of A and marry him.

i’m now 27 and the day is exceptionally good if i get to pangsai twice. full load, mind you.

Glossary:

MFEO - Made For Each Other

pangsai - poop

The Importance of Poo

It occurred to me that no single woman can be a happy single woman if she does not have other single woman around her to bitch about being single with.

That said I am immensely thankful for the many many girls who have made being single actually look and feel quite cool.

Just a shout out really to name but a few...

Potsie - For understanding the importance of poo. And for demonstrating how big an elephant's dingaling actually is.

Pervy Piscean - For reminding me everytime she sticks her hand down some male model's jeans that being single 'feels' really good.

Kiaks - For showing me that you can make neurotic rants look sexy.

Ms. M & Ms. J - For making me feel like I'm not alone everyday.

Mili - For being the sort of single girl I want to be when I grow up.

But the not so single girls that I know are also worth a mention, they make me feel like I could never really be alone...

Desert Princess - For being the person I would marry had you been born a man. Why? Why? Can't I find a man like you?

Bally - For teaching me about the importance of juggling balls.

Prontip - For teaching me practically everything I know and for not succumbing to peer pressure and becoming my actual lesbo partner. Kaka.

Kachuak & Tek - For being the sort of girls I want to mould myself into because you're the marriageable types.

Married or Engaged

Things I thought I would be by the time I hit my late 20s:

1) Engaged

2) Married

3) Pregnant

4) Living in a big foreign city

5) Hotter

6) Thinner

7) Richer

8) Own a fabulous wardrobe

9) Broken many hearts

10) Be on the way to having a white picket fence 

Ye of Little Faith (part II)

See, you can't even rely on men to have a little faith in you...

UMF (Unsuspecting Male Friend) says:

What do I get outta the marriage?

Happsgirl says:

A good wife.

UMF says: 

my idea of a good wife is a lil different

Happsgirl says:
whats a good wife to u?

massage ur feet every day ah?

UMF - says:

ah i rather not be too explicit
might scare u off

Happsgirl says:

i can hire people to do that for u

if i get scared off

UMF - says:

adventurous, kinky, open-minded
all good

Happsgirl says:

is that what makes a good wife?

 my god

i should put that up on my dating profile

UMF - says:
no...that's just somethin to tag on with the conventional wife model

im just a dirty teenage boy

Happsgirl says:

how u know i meant the conventional wife model when i said good wife?

UMF - says:
i assumed
i dont know how kinky u are.

Happsgirl says:

u'll find out if u sign backup husband contract

UMF - says:

hmmm....can do an advance ?

Happsgirl says:

nope

its like a prenup

u only find out once u sign

UMF - says:

i rather a sample of things to come

don't wanna be scammed

Happsgirl says:

ye of little faith

UMF - says:

u don't wanna live up to your billing huh?

Happsgirl says:

i can live up to it

but i must have contractual agreement to my demands

UMF - says:

im just askin for a sample...not the whole deal

a taste of things to come and heck i'd sign a lifetime agreement

how does dat sound?

Happsgirl says:

Lifetime agreement? I don't want!

i want only a contractual marriage

 i dont wanna be married to u forever

UMF - says:

....
ok lo...since u wanna be such a hard sell

i'll think it over

Ye Of Little Faith

You can't rely on men for anything. Seriously. 

You can't rely on them to offer help when you need it most.

You can't rely on them to feel better about yourself.

You can't rely on them to hold doors open for you.

You can't rely on them to be polite.

You can't rely on them to marry you.

You can't rely on them to look after themselves for you.

Hmph. You can't even rely on them to be nice for you for oh, I don't know 5 seconds. 

But that's just me, over the last few days, I've noticed that all the men around me are either simply un-dependable. 

To The Boyzzzz

Over the last month, at least 5 men have come to me with a confession...

No, they weren't secretly madly in love with me. Boo.

But they do read this blog. Eek. 

I am having some trouble though, with the idea that men read this blog. It troubles me for these reasons:

#My personal brand of single girl neuroses is open to male judgement. 

#Men might think all women think this way. (i sincerely hope not)

#I am sealing my fate as a single girl as most of the men who have told me they read this blog are actually cute, eligible single men. (who may now be scared off)

# I wanted above all else, for this to be a place women came to commiserate and be entertained, and not BE the entertainment. 

Yah, but that said, I'm just happy anyone reads this at all. But please, if you ARE male and you have something to contribute to any of this, then by all means, give me a shout out. 

Oh you can also give me a shout out if you want to date me DESPITE this. (I am officially in panic mode). kaka. 

Why Younger Men Rock

I think I have successfully proven that younger men are the way forward. Thank you...goodnight. 

I'm going to be single forever

Well, it's official. I'm in panic mode.

Signs you're in panic mode:

1 - You start going through your Facebook friend's list and separate the single from the non-single male friends.

2 - You message your male friends relentlessly to get some attention.

3 - You suddenly realise your wardrobe has nothing that shows off your cleavage (no matter how non-existent it is)

4 - You've started writing letters to an assortment of hot celebrities again.

5 - You start to track down the exes who have disappeared. 

6 - You start to flirt back with men who repulse you.

7 - You contemplate lesbianism seriously.

8 - You badger a kind male friend into becoming your 'back up'. 

9 - You try to make 'spinster pacts' with your girlfriends.

10 - You can't sleep because you're up all night internet stalking potential dates. 

Digital Digital Get Down

THE REAL DIGITAL LOVE

Above: Sal9000 on his honeymoon with his virtual wife Nene Anegasaki. 

People like to say...'You can't help who you fall in love with'...

And  I like to think it's true. But when it comes to the above story...is it a question of 'who'? or 'what'? 

What CAN you fall in love with? For some people...apparently, it could be a picture of a beautiful animated girl...for others, it could be a pillowcase...some men get very attached to dolls and bid them tearfull farewells when they have to go away to the 'hospital' (ie. the factory for maintenance work)...and for a select few...falling in love can happen when they watch a couple of pretty horses gallop across a meadow. 

But don't you stop and wonder...why is it always men who fall in love with unusual subjects. Go out and find me a story about a woman who has the hots for her gingerbread man and I'll start to believe that this thing works both ways. I don't know but doesn't this prove that men are more in need of love than women are? And if so, why are we still complaining about our singlehood?

Catch the Birdie

I've recently had the pleasure of being introduced into the world of bird watching...My life moves in strange ways indeed. And I realised that birdwatching is like man-watching. 

>> Just like birds, you spend hours observing and hoping for a beautiful one to come along. 

>> You spend hours and travel across the globe just looking for that one bird that checks all the criteria you are looking for. 

>> When you do spot a bird, you have to identify its characteristics. Does it have the markings of a good strong species?

>> If and when you do identify a rare bird (ie. a good man) everyone wants a piece of it. They will all clap and applaud it's beauty and spend hours, even days just observing it giving you small chance of capturing it yourself. 

>> When you do spot a beautiful, rare bird...you are always worried it will fly away. 

Six Pack Pact

This weekend I spent drooling over Ryan Reynolds. Erm, not literally. *sniff sniff*. And I was thinking to myself, oh man, will I ever get to feel a six pack like that ever in my life? I've never even seen one in real life. How sad is that? So in ode to the stuff we may never get to do, I've devised a list of things I wanna see (and touch) if I ever get the chance to before it's too damn late.

My Six Pack Pacts To Myself:

# Touch a six or eight pack abs like Ryan Reynold's or Rain's. (Anybody wanna go watch Ninja Assassin? *drool*)

# Shag someone with the 'hip line' (you know that one that goes from hip to *nether regions*...) Wahhhh.

# Have an incredibly pretty boy kiss me (by pretty I mean like the doe-eyes of Zack Effron and the lucious man-bangs of Chace Crawford) WOO!

# Have a super hot, super toned surfer dude teach me how to surf. Duuudddeee!

# Go out with a celebrity so we can take that classic papparazzi shot of him holding my hand and leading me away from the adoring crowd (with sunglasses and cap pulled down low of course). (And no, photoshopping yourself into a photo with Wentworth Miller [you KNOW who you are] does not count!!!]

Now, don't be shy...tell me what your six-pack dreams are....*sigh*

Panic Fantastique

Potsie sent me an email this morning saying that she had a panic attack last night. It is the age old single girl in her *sniff sniff* late twenties panic attack...the What If I'm Single Forever attack.

It is the kind of realisation that makes us suddenly want to wear more makeup or go to bars and pretend to smoke...or start laughing hysterically at very dull men. It is the kind of attack that well, makes you start a blog to try and remind yourself that being single can be happy too. Hah.

Well, 3 years ago, when I was still in the brighter side of my twenties, I had the attack. It occured to me that if I wanted to meet a nice boy, be with him for a couple of years before we get married, I should be actively start searching for him NOW NOW NOW. Unfortunately that was 3 years ago, and I fell in love with the right boy but at the wrong time and 3 years on, I am still very much single and the panic is starting to rise again.

What you should do when you get the Single-forever Panic Attack (SPA).

# - Think about the nice boys that you know and whether they're single. If they are, time to start thinking if you could be more than friends.

# - Become more sociable and don't turn down invitations to cool parties because you have to wash your hair.

# - Try online dating. (But please be careful)

# - Get a back up. Make a pact with a single good guy friend (gay or not gay) to get married by age whatever if you're both still single.

# - Get another back up. If you don't have any willing male friends, time to ask one of your sorority sisters if they want to share your sorority spinster house.

Syok Sendiri-ness (Hot For Yourself)

The other night I went out with a couple of FSGs (Fellow Single Girls) and were standing in line for the club. When we had been waiting for all of 10 minutes and were getting suitably hot and bothered this is what my FSG friend had to say:

FSG#1: They should let us go to the front and get in for free.

Happsgirl: Why?

FSG#1: Coz we're hot.

FSG#2: That's not a reason.

FSG#1: It should be.

Teeheehee. It got me thinking, do we over-estimate ourselves sometimes? Ok, do we over-estimate ourselves all the time? To the point of it maybe being the very reason we're single? I think I do. Case in point...perfectly nice normal boy comes and talks to you in the club...you say hi, but reckon, hey, you're hot enough tonight to hook up with the DJ. You end the night hanging around DJ's booth and then watch him take off with a model while perfectly nice boy has gone home with some ugly, bitchy girl you know he's too good for.

We bring this on ourselves. We do.

Signs you may be suffering from a bad case of syok-sendiri-ness:

#1 - You think you look hot even when you've just woken up and have eye bags that hang to your chin and hair that looks like an orang gila (crazy person).

#2 - When people ask you what's your lowest standard of guy you would date, you say 'billionnaire male model'.

#3 - If you go to a gig and the only people you think are good enough to hook up with are band members. Worse still if the band is made up of err, John Mayer alone.

#4 - You think you're compromising when you get asked out by a nice, cute guy but he doesn't happen to be a prince.

#5 - You demand to be let into a club on account of your hotness. Even if it entails a big embarrassing fight with the bouncers and the phrase 'Do you know who my father is?' being thrown about.

#6 - You think people are checking you out all the time, even when you're driving and people are looking in your direction because you are the oncoming traffic they need to avoid.

The SOM (Sexy Older Man)

One day I was like in the supermarket in KLCC and I was looking for some juice. I reached for the juice and I noticed someone next to me. When I turned around, I was faced with something juicier than my box of Sunkist Orange(kakaka). It was a Sexy Older Man (SOM). He had wavy hair that was tinged with salt and pepper. He wore a trilby hat (always a plus point as it shows gentlemanliness) and he had greenish-hazel eyes.

Anyway, dare I recall...I grabbed my juice, hid behind the supermarket aisle and grinned like an idiot when he glanced my way. Then I pulled the classic, 'oh I'm a very busy woman' trick and ran the hell away to tell all my friends I had encountered a rare species. 

It got me thinking...are we old enough to be okay dating SOMs? I think we definitely are. However, do I have the emotional maturity to handle a SOM? I think I definitely don't. I mean, can I hold a conversation with an intelligent man over 10 years my senior? Yes. But, can I keep it together enough for him to think I'm a fantastic, mature, intelligent, non-crazy, woman? No. 

I can foresee something like this happening:

SOM: Yes yes, the judiciary in this country really needs to be looked at. In a recent case, a guy was arrested under penal code 434 etc. etc. 

Happsgirl: Mm-hmm. I totally agree. *stifles laughter*(heeheehee...he said PENAL!!).

Not. Good. 

B-Day (Bubble bursting-day)

If you wanna measure how much you matter to the 'men in your life', then there's no better way than when it comes to your birthday. Here are the responses of people I consider/considered to be *significant*. 

Former Love of Life (FLOL) - no wishes. From being the only person to make it special 3 years ago...to multiple messages 2 years ago...to belated wishes a year ago...to nothing. Silence. NOWT. Now I know why they call it EX-communicado.

Pseudo-Crush - he didn't know it was my birthday. 'Nuff said. Altho, he did try making up for it when I reminded him. Hurhur. 

Ridic - I don't think he got the message alert on FB since he has 10 000 friends and at least 100 ppl might've shared my bday. 

James Franco - despite the fact he doesn't know I exist, he STILL managed to turn up in Spiderman 3 which happened to be showing on the bus I was taking on my birthday. That was very nice of him. 

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In more exciting news though, not one but TWO sexy older men(SOM) sent very sweet messages to me.

Message from SOM #1 - Hey sweetie, rumour has it it's your birthday...so happy birthday honey. (Cheap thrill factor: 8 outta 10) - sweet nothings sial! 

Message from SOM #2 - Happy birthday dear. *something intellectual I don't understand* Lots of love SOM#2. (Cheap thrill factor: 9 outta 10) - because it was damn intellectual. 

The Good Crush?

Easier said than done but I reckon, if you're gonna have a crush, it better be a good one. As in good for you. Recently, both my good friends Prontip and Rie have revealed that they are blissfully 'in crush' with good crushes. Here are a few tips on how to spot a good crush.

>> He is nice to you. (By this I mean, he at least acknowledges your presence and does things like send you cheering up emails and takes you into consideration when he erm, buys popcorn at the cinema)

>> He is nice to other people. (He does noble things like gives his seat up for old ladies and asks after your mom and oh, helps build schools for poor orphans)

>> He is not secretly gay. (He does not flirt with you for the sole purpose of getting your 20% M.A.C. discount voucher)

>> Everyone around you does not exclaim 'HE IS AN ASSHOLE' when you mention his name. (This is a special NOTE TO SELF)

>> He is not taken and lying about it. (Any crush who happens to mention that he has a wife and kid is TOXIC).

>> He does not confuse you (He doesn't play a cat and mouse, talking in circles game with you)

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Anyhoo...I need a good crush. My crush, Ridic does not fulfill any of the criteria I mentioned above. He is not nice to me. (Well, he blew me off the one and only time I contacted him. Rude. )He is not nice to other people. (Despite his 5000 and growing number of FB friends.blah.). Everyone around me screams he is an asshole when I mention him :( :( He is taken and being very assholic about it. Poor girl. And I suspect, one day he might confess he's gay. Dear me.

My Pseudo-Crush, Mr.White, however, is not a particularly a good crush either. But since he is a pseudo-crush I reckon fulfilling half of my requirements is A-Ok.

In conclusion, I need a good crush. But unfortunately, due to the lack of candidates, he'll have to be James Franco for now.

The Fucken Absence of a Green Dot

I had an epiphany tonight. Nobody is 'available' anymore. Seriously. Just look at your MSN friend list and you'll realise that everyone is either 'Busy' or 'Away' or 'Out To Lunch'. The dots are hardly ever green.

Nobody is available even when they say they are. I'm talking about being available in the wider sense obviously. Nobody is single and available. Just ask around, look around...are there any men who are single and available and NOT desperate? NOOOOOOO. Which is shitty shit shit.

Really...nobody is available in the widest sense. Not my crush...Ridic (he's not available because he's hooked up with some poor girl he's only dating for her virginity so I heard...yes yes yes, he's an asshole..whatever), not my long time TV crush Greg on CSI, not gay Wentworth Miller, not the cute guy I saw the other day in the carpark, not the male model I stalk on Facebook, not any of my old crushes (fuckadoodle doo most of them are married), not even my pseudo-crush Mr.White (who tells me he's got some HO sitting next to him while he flirts with me), not my secret pedophilic crush (teehee whom I brushed by the other day but fuckadingdong he's hooked up with some old crow like 15 years his senior)...etc.etc.

Fucken hell, NOBODY is available. They all seem to be when you meet them but then it's all like, hey, I got a fucken mail order bride waiting for me at home, or some German HO up my sleeve, or like oh, I'm fucken married to some foul-mouthed psycho Vietnamese ho, or like, oh, I have a crush on a tranny, or like, I'm an asshole fucktard who isn't available to anyone or anything but my dick...

So screw you unavailable people! I'm fucken gonna be unavailable too. I'll have a fucken RED DOT next to my name. BU-SY.
Girls girls, seriously...it's better to pretend to be unavailable because these days, having a green dot next to your name apparently spells LO-SER. Yah yah...What hope do we have ah?

Use Your Cigarette

I think I am in need of flirting tips. Spending the weekend with Prontip has made me realise that I am useless in the art of flirting. Me and Potsie have decided that if we are going to be any good at it, we must take a master class from Prontip. Here are a few things I've learnt through observation...

1) Use your cigarette - The best opening line ever is 'Have you got a light?'
I have been eternally impressed by the story of the girl who stands at the bar having an unlit ciggy in her hand when a mysterious hand will swoop in from behind her and lights it for her. That's class. I mean once I was reenacting the story and the bartender did the same thing for me but erm, a teenage Indian bartender lighting your ciggy doesn't have the same effect as a Rolexed well cuffed arm swooping in from behind you and wordlessly lighting it, now does it?

2) Use your eyes - Prontip has this magnificent way of looking at a guy and disarming him. I don't think she knows when she's doing it but I have observed and it's a kind of intense yet careless look that makes guys suddenly feel all self-aware and extra macho. I must learn to master this without looking like a maniac.

3) Use your hair but not too much - Playing slightly with your hair is good. Tossing your head around and literally acting like you're at a Metallica concert circa 1992 is not. Must learn to flip n' flirt. Do not keep flipping. Again. must learn to master this without looking like maniac.

4) Use your lips - Slightly pursing your lips and pouting is good. I think Potsie does this well too without even trying. She has luscious lips. Biting your lip slightly is also good. Again, I have not done this very well. Once I was trying the whole biting your lower lip thing to appear cute and my guy friend was like 'Do you have a facial tick?'. Must master without looking like I am retarded.

5) Use your laugh - Guys love it when a girl laughs at their jokes. Guys love it when girls think they're jokers. Guys do not like it when a girl is laughing AT them. Guys don't like girls who think they ARE the joke. Giggling is good. Full bellied laugh until snot comes outta your nose is not. Sarcastic laughter is also not good. Must master this one to full effect. Also don't try to out-funny a guy. They don't like it when you suddenly become the stand up comedy act of the evening. (Repeat last sentence to self).

I Picture You Beautiful

I picture you as beautiful.
Lying in the grass, face toward the sky, light in your hair, rolled up checked shirt sleeves...your eyes closed, your lips curled into a smile, your fingers playing with blades of grass...I picture you there, propped on your elbows and beautiful, beside me.

It is the last complete memory I have of you. Like a faded photograph, folded and yellow and torn at the sides, I take out to look at from time to time.

You are supposed to lose someone, mourn the loss of them, move past it and wake up one day and finally be happy again. That happened.

But nobody tells you that one night you might be walking along, feel a breeze, look up at the sky and suddenly in that perfect moment, have a rogue memory that makes your breath stop short.

I don't understand how you forget that this was the one that made you the person you are today. That every other person that comes after is compared and contrasted against him. I don't understand how you become the person that was before him. How do you revert back?

Do you forget that someone like him exists? Do you erase him completely? How do you tear up that one perfect picture you have of him in your memory box that escapes from time to time? I want to revert back. I want to backspace to the part that came before him. How the hell do I do that?

Cowering in a Corner

In a conversation with PoPots, I have come to the conclusion that we fear lots. When it comes to mens' appearances, that is.
eg. Popots: I have a general fear of fat men.
Happsgirl: I ran as far as possible when a short man talked to me.

We realise we're being shallow of course, but we also decided that we're not going to be apologetic about it. When I asked around, I realise that almost everyone has a baseless fear when it comes to men's appearances.

There is a fear of bald men...A fear of men with BO (I think this applies to all of us)... The fear of hairy men...Heebie-jeebies around men who are TOO hairless... A fear of skinny men...We fear of overly tall men...Fear of men with big teeth...the fear of sweaty men...Men who have long fingernails make us run a mile...we cower from men with bad breath...and even the fear of beautiful men.

I myself am really put off by short men...I can't understand being attracted to someone who is shorter than me (I'm 5'4). I think 5'4 is seriously the shortest a man can go. When I can see over the top of your head, it sends a chill down my spine. It's like my fear of lizards...completely baseless and irrational but it is no doubt a fear.

I've put down these fears to simple survival code. We don't want to see in our partners or potential partners what we see as flaws in ourselves. I'm short and have always resented that fact. So I cower from shorties and have an imaginary height requirement bar of 5'10.

So fess up, what do you fear?

Treat 'Em Mean....

I'm going to test out a theory...

So I watched The Ugly Truth today and it suddenly dawned on me that this whole 'treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen' business might actually work both ways.
If there's really any truth in all this, then most men will be intrigued by a woman who does any of the following:

#1 - Refuse to let them buy you a drink. (but then obviously retract at the last second)

#2 - Talk to them for 2 minutes and be really like, into them...then fuck off to the toilet only to return and talk to some other guy.

#3 - Don't even bother giving them your name but give him your own personal nickname.

#4 - If they ask you not to do something, go ahead and do it.
(eg. Guy: Don't smoke so much, it's a bad habit.
You: Light up a cigarette and blow the smoke in his face with a sly grin)

#5 - Call them then hang up suddenly or talk to someone else (preferably a guy) when you're still on the phone with them.

So ladies, what have been your 'mean girl' tactics to lure a guy? HAH.

The Relationship Wish List

It occured to me that it would be really useful if relationships, like weddings or happy holidays came with their very own set of wish lists.
So here it is, the wish list I hope for everytime someone meets someone...

#1 - Date me because you're into me, not because you're lonely and want a gap-filler.

#2 - Date me because you really want to be with me. (Not because your mother pushed you toward me)

#3 - Do not cheat on me. (This includes adding random Japanese Kawa-i girls on your Facebook page and 'liking' each of their skanky pics)

#4 - Trust me. (Unless I'm a real bitch, I probably won't cheat on you before you cheat on me)

#5 - Do not do stuff that makes me think you're dodgy. (Like having secret bank accounts or being a sideline drug dealer)

#6 - Love me enough to want to marry me someday.

#7 - Be nice to my friends and family. (Don't turn me against them or alienate me from them)

#8 - Care enough about me to never want to hurt me even in the smallest way. (Sometimes the smallest insults are the ones that hurt most)

#9 - Respect me enough to be honest with me. (If you're gay, the sooner you tell me the better)

#10 - Be happy with me. (Don't refer to me as the 'gatekeeping bitch' behind my back)

Just Hit Delete

Well, I deleted my profile. I woke up last weekend and decided that enough was enough. And just deleted it. Hawhaw.

Then I decided to hit closer to home and like, signed up on not one but TWO Asian dating websites but the minute I finished my profile and saw my 'Matches' I deleted my profile instantaneously. Good grief.

Maybe I'm not cut out for internet dating after all. Teehee.

Anyway, to all my non-Asian homies out there, Jen Kwok says it best!
Click on the video below ... too funny!

Whoops

Confession!

I haven't deleted my profile yet. HAWHAW.

I was going to in all seriousness...but then I spied this super duper hot half-British, half-Japanese dude who is a DJ (my weakness) who helps like poor starving African kids (my other weakness). So I stayed on just so I can spy on his beautiful profile a bit longer. Sad I know. But the dude posted up a topless pic of him navigating a yacht. FORSHIZZLE.

Then this morning, I realised he became a 'Fan' of me too! SCORE! BONUS! YIPPIEKAYAY! Cheap thrill galore!!!

Yeah...so I'll delete it this weekend. I mean I can't sign up and Mr.Hot Jap DJ is probably not a subscriber either. Still...he's provided me with my biggest cheap thrill of the week. Nyak.

Not Enough Fans

well, I've decided, after 2 days...to delete my profile from the aforementioned dating website.

sniff sniff.

I got 20 fans and started to get really excited and chuffed but then what happened was, I didn't get anymore fans. So now I'm feeling huffy.

Another reason is that this sneaky dating website needs you to buy at least a monthly subscription to talk to the lovely men who have taken the trouble to message you. Something I can't physically do anyway.

Which is a shame seeing as some of the dudes seem quite lovely.

There was :

Darren - some dude who owns his own publishing house who genuinely sounds pretty lovely. He also looks a bit like Shayne Ward. Score! His only flaw was that he seemed a bit boring and a bit too appreciative of my 'prettiness'.

George - His first message read 'Tea?'...then I didn't reply...so his next message was 'Cake?'..HAHA. Stuff like that cracks me up. Plus his profile said he was once groomed by a monkey. But he wants me to sign up and I can't. And he ain't buying me a subscription (which I cheekily asked for). Oh well.

Old Guy - This dude's message goes ' Wow, you're sassy and stunning! When do you get back from your travels? Let's meet up" and I'm thinking, dude, slow down. So I asked him for a subsciption and he goes 'AM I THE KINDA MAN YOU WANT THOUGH?' To which I replied, I'm very interested.' But that still didn't make him buy me a subscription. Boo.

...

Late last night I noticed a cute guy who had viewed my profile. I got suitably excited and decided to go through all his photos. On closer inspection, I was CONVINCED he was my ex-housemate JimJam. But this dude was hot and sexy. And my housemate was neither. So I decided to browse his profile and the more I stalked the more convinced I was this dude was JimJam. Everything from the age to the height matched. The biggest question right now is, how did my former housemate become so damn hot? And if it is him, why didn't he bloody add me to his favourites???

More reason to go MIA on the site.

Sold out on Soulmates

Oh Ho Ho Ho...

So here's the update...I totally tried signing up to this dating website but try as I might, every username I picked wasn't available. Which I reckon is a glitch in the system because how can 'happpsssgirl8234' be taken? I mean the probability is like 1 in a 1000000...so yeah, it's not meant to be that I sign up on that site.

So what I did was go back to a trusty site. Although, I had to lie about my location because you don't get clicks if you say you're stuck in a stupid city in a stupid country in the Far East. Unless the dudes are Asian Slut Chasers or...the usual despo Arabs and Indians. Who always message you the same thing " You want be my wife?" or "You sexy. I marry you, yes?"

No.

Anyway, the update is that I've signed on for like less than 24 hours and already I have 13 'Fans' Whoopteedoo. And a couple of messages from dudes who aren't all bad. Seriously! Quite hamsem ok. I shall send pics to Potsie and Prontip for approval.

I gotta say, I'm having fun.
More updates later.kaka.

To match or not to match

If only I looked like dear ol' Alessandra...

I am contemplating signing up to match.com. I really want to. I've even gone as far as to browse the site and skim the signing up sheet.
Desperate times call for desperate measures you know.

Before I go any further though, I'd like to recall a time when I DID join up to a dating website. The reason I did this was well, I wanted to stalk Baxter. And Baxter signed up for a joke and anything Baxter did at that time, I did. Pah.

So I join up and I get a few random messages. But you can't chat for free on this site and I wasn't about to pay good money to talk to random ugly men. I could do that on the subway.

Then I get this idea...put up a pic of a model and see how many messages I get. So I go browsing through the Storm Models website and pick a photo that looks unprofessional.

I draw on my creative skills to write up a profile and lo and behold! I get around 100 messages in the first hour I sign up! woohoo!
Two guys offer to buy me 'gift memberships' to which I accept graciously and use the membership to chat up other guys.

In one day, my character "Anna" became the most popular profile on the website. Woohoo!

Through "Anna" I do get to 'meet' my share of funny and fantastic people. There was the dude whose every message started with the line "sky's a clear blue today"...there was the stalker dude who wouldn't go away even after I was incredibly rude...and there was the lovely dude who had the funniest messages who turned out to be a serial online dating player.

Sadly my sojourn into becoming a popular online dating character was short lived. My gift subscription expired and I got lazy replying the dozens and dozens of messages I got. I started to feel like the ugly personal assistant to my celebrity alter ego.

There was also the erm...slight mess whereby I chatted up one of my friends as "Anna" and had to come clean to him when he started getting interested in 'her'. Messy.

However!There is a lesson to be learnt here though...since my character was such a hit and had so many men fall in love with her words, I realised that it is not my personality that was the problem, it was my looks.
*sniffly sniffly poo*

And also...err...the other lesson to be learnt is that you might get caught for identity theft. Or unlicensed use of Storm Model pictures. :(

So yeah, do I want to go through all that crap again? hehe. Let's just wait and see!

Till Death Do Us Wrong

So we were exchanging horror stories and I have to say this is the worst:

A friend of a friend had a problem with her *private area* and decided that she needed to go to the doctor to find out if the itch was an STD.

So she goes in for the test and comes back a couple of days later for the results. When she reaches the doctor's office, the doctor is standing there with two police officers. This is when she is informed that there was something in her test results that needed police investigation.

She then gets told that her *itch* is caused by a certain type of worm. *bleurgh* And that worm can only be found in dead bodies.

The question now is, how did a worm from a dead body enter this fine woman's nether regions?

Hence the police being there, because something NASTY must be going on...

What it turned out to be was, this woman's boyfriend worked in a mortuary. And well, he was having a jolly good time with some of these dead bodies. Eww.

And what he did was, bang a corpse, failed to wash his kukuchiao and came back and banged his unfortunate gf.

So the police picked him up for necrophilia.

But the most amazing part about this story is...after the whole incident...the biggest question on the girl's lips was...'Err, I don't know if I should break up with him.'

WTF.

That's what you call mortally stupid.

How To Be A Happy Clappy

I think if you're single, it is a lot harder to get happy. Especially if stupid things like big friggin' Queens and other random sadnesses make you sometimes want to sit in a dark hole and not come out. So here are a few ways in which, if you're alone, you can start seeing the light side to things.

1) If you're home on a Friday night yet again with your bowl of Bovril porridge, take heart in the fact that at least, the face mask you have on (because nobody is around to see you in it) will ensure you have good skin.

2) Use your free Saturday nights to give yourself a nice mani-pedi. A wise friend once told me that painting your nails has a calming effect and works on the logic that, if your hands and feet look pretty, the world will seem like a prettier place too.

3) If haven't gotten some action in awhile, buy a plane ticket and go on holiday to a sunny beachy location filled with backpackers. Better yet, learn something fun like surfing or mountain climbing. Once you see the array of toned honed torsos, the world will be like a buffet.

4) If you're saddened by the fact that you are buying dinner for one. Don't be. At least you are saving money and you can eat whatever the hell you want.

5) Being alone enables you to have more time on your hands to spend with your FSGs (Fellow Single Girls). What better way to cheer you up than to bitch, moan and gossip about men with your best girls?

Next time you feel suicidal, just remember, there are worse things than being alone. Like contracting syphillis from a multi-cheating man who has hairy knuckles.

Alternative Options

For all of us who don't have a big strapping man to cuddle us to sleep at night, we now have an alternative!

Behold, the Boyfriend Pillow! Yippee!

And boys, boys, don't feel left out. There is also an option for you...
Behold, the Girlfriend Lap Pillow!! OOOOOH.

As I'm off to sunny beaches to oggle at toned surfer dudes for a few days, I will leave you with this piece of sagely advice...
It is better to love a man or woman no matter how rotten they are than to love a pillow.

Standards My Dear

When you're single, and you haven't hooked up with the next man on the street, people will start telling you to lower your standards. "Please don't be so picky" they'll say. Why isn't the next man on the street good enough for you? Must lower your standards, give people a chance...etc.

But here's my gripe. Why should we lower our standards? Here are some questions I ponder when I think about lowering my standards...

# Why is it that wanting just a normal guy who isn't insane, is decent looking, has a job and can string a proper sentence together considered such a high standard?

# How come it's only the people who are hooked up with the most super-duper men that ask me to lower my high standards?

# Why is it that even when I do lower my standards, I unwittingly find out the object of my affection turns out to be amongst many things....a member of royalty, a Ferarri owner, a genius rock star?

# Does lowering my standards mean that the level that I deem worthy for myself is really out of my league? Am I really that unworthy of a high standard?

Yah, yah...so I have to wonder, why does there have to BE a standard at all? I mean, I seriously don't think some halfway intelligent dude who smells good and isn't clinically insane is asking too much.

And here's another thing, if you're not picky, and you end up being beaten or hurt or simply left high and dry by some asshole, why is it then that people say, oh he's a bad egg, why did you let him into your life in the first place?

Seriously now, having standards isn't a bad thing. At least not for me. And if it means being alone for a little while longer, so be it.

The Accidental Boyfriend

So you're single. And a dude you don't mind hanging around with is single too. He has ex issues, you have ex issues too. So you start spending a lot of time together, bitching about the exes, you meet each other's friends, you call him up when you need someone to fix something in your house and he calls you when he needs someone to accompany him grocery shopping. You're super comfortable with this guy, you talk all the time, he understands your neuroses, you forgive him his.

From the outside, you seem just like a couple. But what you're really experiencing is a case of the Accidental Boyfriend.

So what do you do if you find yourself in such a situation? Do you want this dude to be your Real BF? Does he want you? Do you want to start seeing other people but preserve the friendship?
Tricky tricky. But here are a few things you need to keep in mind.

# Keep your eye on the prize - If you're really not into him and into some other dude, then don't shift your focus. Eventually, you'll both start seeing other people, if you're constantly dating other people then it'll be much easier to have a platonic friendship.

# Don't live in denial - If you've started thinking that he could be the one, then he probably is. It's time to come clean.
# Don't be crazy - Don't delude yourself into thinking you're his girlfriend unless he shows signs that he really wants you to be more than his friend. Just because you both behave like an old married couple doesn't mean you're really married.

# Don't deflect - If you realise you've started to have feelings for him, don't cover up by deflecting your feelings onto the next best thing (his best friend, his brother, etc.) This will only confuse him more and you may find yourself in an uncomfortable love triangle.
# Don't jump him - Unless you're both sure you want to become a real couple, don't try to take on the Friends with Benefits situation. If you hang out all the time, you're comfortable, and you're having sex...yet don't want to admit you're in a relationship, you're really in trouble.

At Home With Bovril Porridge

Signs you know you're turning into a certified old maid:

- You look forward to your bowl of porridge mixed with Bovril and vegetables every night.

- The thought of going out makes you so tired, you actually fall asleep by 10pm.

- Waxing has become irrelevant.

- You text your Mom wondering what she's up to and find out that she's out having more fun than you are.

- When you go to a wedding and decline going up to catch the bouquet because you do not think the thrill applies to you anymore.

- You think nothing of probing single girls at weddings about when their turn is.

- If you come into contact with a cute guy and his smile just makes you think 'I forgot to buy floss at Tesco'.

Upset Tummy

Isn't it ironic? A Queen is ruining my life.
I have been suffering from a constant upset tummy because of a Queen.

Everybody who hailed the Queen should really be shot.

I'm sad. The happy single girl is really sad. Help. Help me kill the Queen.

Ways in which I have fantasised about killing the Queen:
- Pop her like a balloon.
- Run her over with a steamroller.
- Enrol her in Biggest Loser and tell them to make her run on a treadmill till she gets a heart attack.
- Hope she gets filled with helium and floats away.
- A bigger Queen bitch slaps her into the ground.
- A scary man named Bubba makes her his playtoy.
- Someone accidentally shoots her with a tranquilizer gun and sells her off for money.

How do you run from a Queen who thinks she rules the world?

A Letter A Day Keeps The Looneys Away

I've been inspired by Prontip who blogged about when she broke up with her ex-bf and decided that to win him back she would write him a letter every day telling him why he should come back to her.

Here is the first letter I would write to you...

Dear Baxter,
I was secretly in love with you. Oh yesssiree. After this long and this much time apart, I am saying it now. I might as well, I have nothing to lose. You probably don't remember me anyway.
I don't remember you either. All I have left of you is the shape of your fingertips. I know, it's a strange thing to say...or to remember.
But yes, I was secretly in love witn you, I always in some way, will be. So there. Don't freak out.

The second letter:
Dear Baxter,

So you're probably wondering why, how? It all started when you started being so bloody nice to me. And then you started being so bloody funny. And then sometimes, you would look at me as if I was in on your joke. That unravelled me. I thought you were fantastic.

It wasn't as if I woke up one day and realised I was in love with you. There were days I hated you. There were days I didn't think about you at all. There were days when I loved somebody else.

What floors me is that it doesn't take much for someone to make you fall in love with them. I just really liked being around you. When you were there, it was always so much better than when you weren't. That's all.

The third letter:
Dear Baxter,
I used to wish you'd wake up and be in love with me.

The fourth letter:
Dear Baxter,
Here's why I thought you should be in love with me. I think I get it...whatever it is you're trying to do to get happy.
I'm also a fantastic catch. And I can make you laugh.
And I'm Asian, and Asian wives are so much better than skanky ho German or English ones. I'll explain this at length sometime later. Seriously though, you should consider this fact: Asian women have been TRAINED to serve their husbands since birth. So..yeah.
If you aren't attracted to me, consider this other fact: I'm very bendy.

The fifth letter:
Dear Baxter,
I took the time to bloody write complete sagas about you. That act alone suggests a very high level of commitment and loyalty on my part. Considering, as you know, I am a very busy and popular woman.

The sixth letter:
Dear Baxter,
Why shouldn't you be in love with me? I mean I'm fantastic, and you look like a monkey.

The seventh letter:

Dear Baxter,
One day I woke up and realised I wasn't in love with you. I lost you. And facts was facts, you would never love me back. So that's that.

You're such an idiot.

--------

Let This Love Begin

You know you're in need of some male attention when the only toned torso you've seen lately was from this video:

How To Stay Undercover

When you have a longstanding and embarrassing crush on someone, here are a few things to keep i mind should you want to preserve your air of mystery:

- When someone mentions they saw your crush somewhere, you don't say ' HE WAS THERE?" three times in succession, with your voice rising each time.

- You don't let anybody catch you browsing his Facebook page at work.

- When someone tells you a story about him being exceptionally twatty, you don't giggle and say 'Aaw...'. A quick nod and a serious face should suffice.

- You shouldn't let him catch you following him. If he suspects that you are, you should quicken your pace and walk resolutely past him and toward the nearest exit.

- If he is in close proximity and you find yourself feeling faint, you should pretend that you're suddenly suffering from claustrophobia. Do not faint in front of him in hopes he might notice you.

- When your boss tells you No, you can't use him for your photoshoot...don't look like you're about to cry. If it's too late and your boss notices your eyes welling up, you should break into a coughing fit and tell her how fantastic her decision was before making a quick exit.

- If you're put in a spot and people ask you point blank if he is your object of affection, you shouldn't deny it too strongly. A simple shrug and a disgusted face would throw them off.

Good Vibrations

Courtesy of Potsie:
July 19, 2009

Unless you want to send the wrong vibes, please avoid the following:

(1) Invite/suggest/be open to sharing a room with a dude. Even if its on separate mattresses. Even if it means he has to sleep out in the hall with your pet tiger who has a penchant for men.

(2) Ask if you can lean against the dude. Even if you have sudden neck muscle loss. Preferably find a sturdy girlfriend and ask if you can lean on HER shoulder instead.

(3) Say “yes, sure we can meet up”. Even if he is your customer with a huge budget to spend on the exact same products you’re selling.

(4) Smile at him when you walk pass. Even if you’ve spent the last 10 years walking that hallway, passing his cubicle.

With great power comes great responsibility – Stan Lee

Here's Looking At You

I have a LOT of goodlooking girl friends. And no, I'm not exaggerating or trying to butter up my friends when I say this. It's true. A lot of the people I hang out have any of the following happen to them on a regular basis:

1) Have men say, 'damn, look at her' when they walk past.
2) Get marriage proposals on the street.
3) Have talent scouts come up to them and ask them to model.
4) Get modellling jobs.
5) Have random people come up to them and want to take pictures of them.

The great thing about hanging out with good looking people is that you generally look popular because of the influx of people looking in your direction. The down side is that, after awhile you start to feel like the short, fat troll hanger on.

Which makes me ponder, just how important are looks when it comes to being a happy single? Could your singledom come down to the pure and simple fact that you're just not as good looking as you think you are?

I know it's about confidence and personality and general chemistry, but physical attraction is the first thing that attracts us to the opposite sex. What if you simply aren't attractive to the type you consider attractive? In a society that prioritises looks over so much else, is being plain and not accepting that fact going to be your ultimate downfall?

Chillingly...for me at least, I wonder, if I never accept that looks play a huge part in this whole game, am I being completely deluded?

What do you think? Do you think your looks play an integral part in securing your future in finding a partner?

On Beanie Spotting

I recently spent an entire weekend Beanie-Spotting (on the lookout for hamsem men to you) and have concluded that in a festival ground which held oh roundabout 3000 men, I spotted maybe 3 that peaked my interest. 2 were taken so that left just 1 man who could've potentially been a Beanie that was 'My Taips'.

Beanie #1 - French and had a messy sort of ponytail thing going on. If you're thinking, ok, ponytail = NO ...think again. This dude made an ugly scraggly ponytail, a kaftan type top and baggy thai trousers look HOT. Think, David Beckham in a sarong. Messy-chic.

Beanie #2 - The Dan-lookalike. Because he reminds me of a Dan I used to know. Blonde, twatty looking and slightly pudgier than my usual beanpole type. He was on the same flight back as me but he was in the executive lounge. Good sign! Then he got on the same train back as well, which prompted me to change seats to get a better view of him.

Beanie #3 - I think I noticed him coz I think he stars in an Indo-drama. He peaked my penchant for Elite-Melayu interest. And he wore a scarf. Unfortunately, the next night I saw a Hobag hanging around with him. He smiled at me tho. (Probably coz he thought I might be an Indo drama star too) teehee.

In a side note, this is what you should do if you want to give off the impression that you're super cool (even when you're not really).

- If a guy calls you and says he's spotted you in a crowd, you must act super surprised and ask him to come find you. But when you see him approaching, you disappear. If he texts and asks you where you went, you say you got dragged off by a group of super happening friends.

- If you see a cute guy looking at you and you happen to be standing alone, you quickly turn to the nearest guy friend and pretend you're having a riveting conversation with him and laugh alot.

- If you find yourself alone and someone you like is approaching you, you turn to the people next to you and pretend that you're with that group. When the person is close by, walk away from the group using the excuse that you're off to get drinks for everyone.

- If you're walking by a cute guy and his group of cute friends, engage a GBF to shout from far off what a BABE you are and how you MUST be at a party because you're not only a babe, you're also super duper fun.

* Glossary

Beanie - Hot guy

Beanie-Spotting - Looking for hot guys

Hamsem - Handsome

Taips - Type

My-Taips - My type of man

Indo - Indonesian

Elite-Melayu - High class Malays

Hobag - Whore / Slut / Skank

Happs - Happening

GBF - Gay Best Friend

The Gayness of Having Gay

It's such bliss to have a GBF (that's Gay Best Friend to you). Actually, make that SGH (Surrogate Gay Husband). For those of us single girls who want to be seen hanging out with a man yet, don't want the added baggage of actually being with a man, a GBF is the best accessory to have. If you've graduated into the inner circles of Faghagdom (like yours truly) then you can up your ante and snag yourself a SGH.

Anyway, after going away on a spontaneous weekend with not one but two (in fact, it could've been THREE) lovely gay men, I shall count the ways in which a GBF totally rocks.

#1) They don't care if you break out in alcohol induced hives and don't bat an eyelid even when your neck is covered in red blotches.

#2) At the suggestion that your being alone in a hotel room with 2 men could lead to rape, one of them squeals 'But I Don't Know How To!!!'

#3) They will never develop an uncomfortable crush on you.

#4) They pretend to be your jealous boyfriend on Facebook so stalker losers will back off.

#5) You can talk real dirty with them and they wouldn't get turned on. In fact, they'll give you pointers on how to talk dirtier.

#6) They stave off prying questions from relatives who think that you two will eventually end up together.

#7) You can be as neurotic as you want when you're with them. Sometimes, they even indulge your neurotic fantasies and theories by fuelling them with some of their own.

#8) There's one thing they're straight about: fashion. (I stand by my conviction that it is a far greater compliment to be applauded by a gay man than a straight one).

#9) They're always game for a dance.

#10) They do all the skanking you're too afraid to do (they take the gay ones and pass the straight ones to you).