Friday, March 26, 2010

Askew Me Please

Ever get that feeling of being SO DAMN FED UP with waiting for a nice bloke to just come up to you and ask you out? Here are some tried and tested ways to strike up a conversation with someone who has caught your attention.

1) 'Nice hair. You're straight, right?' (Caution: this has to be done with extreme flirty flair. Don't come across as a scary butch lesbian who may be into pretty boys. Make sure it looks like a compliment and not an insult).
If the boy answers 'No, does it make me look gay?' Follow up with something slightly insulting but flirty at the same time. If the boy answers 'Yeah, I am'...then follow up with something fag-haggy like 'Then darling, you have to give me the name of your stylist.'

2) 'Hi, you're hot. Do you wanna be in my photo shoot?' (Caution: Only do this if you have the credentials to back up your lie, or if you really DO want him to be in a photo shoot).

3) 'Our friends seem to be hitting it off. Shall we watch?' (Caution: Make sure your friend really is hitting it off with his friend. Also don't come across as a pervy ho trying to get in on some threesome action. More so, don't get so engrossed in watching you forget who you're concentrating on)

4) 'Scuse me, I don't know you' (Caution: This is best done at your own house party, or at least, at a house party where you can pretend to be the hostess...alternatively, if you've got enough panache, you can do this anywhere)

5) 'Me and my friend made a bet that you can't carry me' (Caution: Only do this with someone who looks like he can lift you like a feather. Please don't challenge someone who looks like he might have a hernia if you jumped into his arms)

6) Some loser is trying to hit on me. Can you pretend to be my boyfriend for awhile? (Caution: Please make sure he is NOT taken and available to play boyfriend duties...)

Have you tried an alternative pick up and it worked? Tell me about it! Us single girls could use all the tips we can get!!!

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

I Hate Hello Kitty

Let's face it...We're not spoilt for choice. Men out there are either taken, gay, crazy, assholic, players... or dead. Men our in men in the 25-35 age bracket who aren't any of the previously listed things, who are single, available, cute, nice and decent? Hah! Have you met one? Do you know him? If you do...can you give him my number?

Why must we restrict ourselves to this mad notion that we should date within age check boxes? If you're in the 25-30 check box, most probably, your ideal man is in the same check box or the one directly after it. If we happen to be dating out of those check boxes ie. the 35-40 or the 20-25 boxes, it wasn't really by choice, we happened to meet just a great guy who was a little older or younger than us. But rest assured, when we dream about our dream guy, he's usually, probably, a check box not far from ours.

Like it or not, age is a deciding factor when it comes to choosing partners. But I think we're being too restrictive on ourselves here. Why SHOULD age be a factor when all things considered, it's probably the least important of factors? Sure, with age comes maturity but so does knowledge and upbringing.

I say this because, you know, with all this talk of cougars, we're all becoming slightly afraid of dating out of our age bracket. And believe it or not, this dilemma is all the more tragic for us, 20-something almost 30 types. I kid you not. Why? Well, for one, we're too bloody old to be the hot young nubile thing. And then we're slightly too green to be that sophisticated, confident Mrs. Robinson. So where do we stand? We're bound to the men who are in our age brackets simply because men out of our age bracket don't see us.

I'd like to advocate for the Hello Kitty version of a cougar (ie. cougars below age 35). There isn't even a term for us. We're just considered former party girls grasping on to the last vestibules of their wild days before morphing into the fantastic over-35-year-olds when we won't give a shit about what people think.

It's a strange crossroads to be the under-35 cougar. I mean, for one thing, men over 10 years our junior are hardly out of high school adding to the taboo of the situation. And for another, we're hardly mature enough ourselves to be considered bonafide cougars. So where do we stand? Are we ALLOWED even to date those lovely young boys that tempt our hearts?

I say YES. Young boys are just...tempting. And, well, better. (Men our age are few and far between and men older are, well, kinda dirty.) And for want of another reason other than all the generic 'younger men rock' reasons...Consider (being this age) to be your last chance to go out with a young boy and still pass for his girlfriend instead of being mistaken for his err...mother.

This is my theory: I think we should celebrate the fact that at least, we're still at an age where we are not held accountable for wearing hot pants (although, in my opinion EVERYONE who isn't Kylie Minogue should be held accountable for wearing hot pants) or sporting Hello Kitty t-shirts. We're sort of at that border of being forgiven for it. (Although I personally, wouldn't forgive myself for sporting either). So if we can be forgiven for wearing hot pants and Hello Kitty t-shirts, we can be forgiven for dating delectable 20 year olds.

So go on, now's your chance to date out of your check box. Hell, date WAY below your check box. It may be your last chance to still be able to wear Hello Kitty and be a proud, sexy cat...

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Dreams Obscene

5 Reasons Why Eric Northman is the perfect fantasy:

1) He's 6'5, blonde, muscular and Nordic.

2) His bloodshot eyes and his perfectly white fanged teeth are sexy as hell.

3) He is loyal and smart.

4) His 1000 year old wisdom has given him a sense of humour.

5) He can fly.

Monday, March 15, 2010

The Tempting Taken Man

So you spot a beenie. He's fine. He's cool. He's nice to you. And then just when you think, 'hmmm', he introduces you to his lovely wife.

Damn your principles....there is a type of man who would make you consider being 'the other woman'. Should these thoughts ever cross your mind though, (DANGER DANGER!) here are a few things you can do to steer away from those evil thoughts or actions (:P)...

>> Be friends with his wife (if she's nice to you, it'll up the guilt factor), if she's a bitch, take comfort in the fact that he might have really bad taste in women.

>> When you see him and your heart goes 'doop doop doop' quickly visualise your fantasy man instead. If you don't have a fantasy man...imagine this: Brad Pitt's toned glistening body in that steamy scene in Troy.

>> If you've decided to Facebook stalk the TTM, scan his pics for happy family pics...if he has kids, look long and hard at those pictures and think about how they'd take your being a homewrecker.

>> If your TTM's pics happen to involve happy family pics of him looking hot on the beach or if looking at pics of him and his beautiful daughter/son make you want him more...close the window and open THIS window instead.

>> Find out if your TTM has a hotter, younger SINGLE brother.

Whatever you do...AVOID:

>> Arranging to meet him on the sly.

>> Ask him if he's happy with his wife.

>> Stare longingly at him any chance you get.

>> Buy night vision goggles to stalk him outside his family home.

Monday, March 8, 2010

Anticipating The Weekend

Here are some things you should do should you want to attract male attention:

1) Be pretty : never go out without your makeup and nice-smelling hair.
2) Be happy: smile a lot and don't be afraid to laugh out loud.
3) Be 'syok sendiri': Love yourself, if you think you're hot, chances are people will think the same.
4) Be flirtatious: Toss your hair, smile with your eyes, giggle.
5) Be tactile: A well placed hand on arm, a careless hug, a brush of the foot will go a long way.

Here are some things you shouldn't do should you want to attract male attention:

1) Pile on so much makeup you're a cross between Donatella Versace and Bozo the Clown.Have unwashed hair or a shaved head (unless u're Natalie Portman of course)
2) Laugh like a hyena or snort uncontrollably while laughing.
3) Start announcing how hot you are at a party (or whichever crowded area you find yourself in) to get freebies.
4) Come on too strong: Don't suffocate him with your boobs, don't toss your hair into his face, don't stare him down then lick your lips mouthing 'I want to get nasty withchoo baby'.
5) Throw your arms around him and refuse to let go, pin him to a wall and suck face with him till he turns blue, grab his groin as you walk past him.