A Tranny or a Queen to Quell Your Crush

So ever since falling in love with the Perfect Man, I've completely neglected to blink or look at real men. This is not good. In an attempt to bring me out of the fantasy (whereby me and Perfect Man are married and sailing on the ocean) and back into reality (whereby the hottest man I've seen lately is on a Calvin Klein poster in a mall) I've decided to post a post to all the *real* and rather memorable crushes I've had in the past...

1st Crush: Bro's Friend (age: 13) (as in my age when I had the crush)
Reason for crush: He looked good in black and wire rimmed glasses.
Reasons for canceling crush: He turned out to be gay. (The fact my 1st ever crush was gay should've pre-empted me for things to come)

2nd Crush: Ryan Kim (age: 17)
Reason for crush: He was Korean and looked like he could grow up to be an architect.
Reasons for cancelling crush: His head was too small for his body, he turned out to be err, stupid.

3rd Crush: Nishan (age:17)
Reason for crush: He was hottest dude in college. His name was sexy. He had a really nice neck.
Reasons for cancelling crush: He left college. I couldn't stalk him. Last I heard, he married a friend's cousin and he's gone fat.

4th Crush: Chris (age:18)
Reason for crush: He had a nice voice. He had a nice face. He had a nice body. He had a nice everything. Plus he was nice to me.
Reasons for cancelling crush: He had REALLY bad taste in women (ie. not fancying me and fancying a girl who apparently *leaked* oil from her arse(TRUE STORY! ), and I became hotter and cooler (TRUE STORY TOO). 

5th Crush: Jamie Red Hair (age: 19)
Reason for crush: He had a really really cool dye job. His hair was jet black with striking red at the tips. He also wore an army parka and read literature. He reminded me of a vampire. I was really into Buffy at that point.
Reasons for cancelling crush: He disappeared. *POUT* One semester he was there, the next he wasn't. Maybe he *WAS* a vampire. :(

6th Crush: Mike USA (age:20)
Reason for crush: In a sea of stiff Brit boys, here was a tanned Californian who snowboarded. Also, he loved the 20th century American writers. He also made me laugh on a bus ride. *SCORE*
Reasons for cancelling crush: He went on to date an ugly looking hobag ho bitch. He went back to California and probably got some acne infested fat American girl pregnant. (I'm still bitter about this one, can u tell?)

7th Crush: Eddie Hall aka Paul Frank Beanie(age: 22)
Reason for crush: He used to hang around outside my room window wearing a lot of Paul Frank clothing. I really like the Paul Frank brand. He was hot because he wore Paul Frank. He also looked and sounded aristocratic.
Reasons for cancelling crush:  Saw him snogging the HOBAGS OF THE CENTURY who was also my dorm neighbour. He also disappeared.

8th Crush: Ridic (age: 23)
Reason for crush: He's a prince. He has a nice voice. He has *twat* factor.
Reason for cancelling crush: Found out he was a certified asshole.

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Word of advice: It is better to have a slut try and steal your crush than to have a tranny try and steal your crush. But worst of all is to have a slutty tranny get into competition with you. TRUE STORY.

B-Day (Bubble bursting-day)

If you wanna measure how much you matter to the 'men in your life', then there's no better way than when it comes to your birthday. Here are the responses of people I consider/considered to be *significant*. 

Former Love of Life (FLOL) - no wishes. From being the only person to make it special 3 years ago...to multiple messages 2 years ago...to belated wishes a year ago...to nothing. Silence. NOWT. Now I know why they call it EX-communicado.

Pseudo-Crush - he didn't know it was my birthday. 'Nuff said. Altho, he did try making up for it when I reminded him. Hurhur. 

Ridic - I don't think he got the message alert on FB since he has 10 000 friends and at least 100 ppl might've shared my bday. 

James Franco - despite the fact he doesn't know I exist, he STILL managed to turn up in Spiderman 3 which happened to be showing on the bus I was taking on my birthday. That was very nice of him. 

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In more exciting news though, not one but TWO sexy older men(SOM) sent very sweet messages to me.

Message from SOM #1 - Hey sweetie, rumour has it it's your birthday...so happy birthday honey. (Cheap thrill factor: 8 outta 10) - sweet nothings sial! 

Message from SOM #2 - Happy birthday dear. *something intellectual I don't understand* Lots of love SOM#2. (Cheap thrill factor: 9 outta 10) - because it was damn intellectual. 

The Good Crush?

Easier said than done but I reckon, if you're gonna have a crush, it better be a good one. As in good for you. Recently, both my good friends Prontip and Rie have revealed that they are blissfully 'in crush' with good crushes. Here are a few tips on how to spot a good crush.

>> He is nice to you. (By this I mean, he at least acknowledges your presence and does things like send you cheering up emails and takes you into consideration when he erm, buys popcorn at the cinema)

>> He is nice to other people. (He does noble things like gives his seat up for old ladies and asks after your mom and oh, helps build schools for poor orphans)

>> He is not secretly gay. (He does not flirt with you for the sole purpose of getting your 20% M.A.C. discount voucher)

>> Everyone around you does not exclaim 'HE IS AN ASSHOLE' when you mention his name. (This is a special NOTE TO SELF)

>> He is not taken and lying about it. (Any crush who happens to mention that he has a wife and kid is TOXIC).

>> He does not confuse you (He doesn't play a cat and mouse, talking in circles game with you)

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Anyhoo...I need a good crush. My crush, Ridic does not fulfill any of the criteria I mentioned above. He is not nice to me. (Well, he blew me off the one and only time I contacted him. Rude. )He is not nice to other people. (Despite his 5000 and growing number of FB friends.blah.). Everyone around me screams he is an asshole when I mention him :( :( He is taken and being very assholic about it. Poor girl. And I suspect, one day he might confess he's gay. Dear me.

My Pseudo-Crush, Mr.White, however, is not a particularly a good crush either. But since he is a pseudo-crush I reckon fulfilling half of my requirements is A-Ok.

In conclusion, I need a good crush. But unfortunately, due to the lack of candidates, he'll have to be James Franco for now.

The Wrong Crush (Cont'd) - The Mute Button

When you stalk someone for close to 5 years... Ask anyone who has the remotest connection to him if they'd introduce you...Stalk his facebook...Plan what you would say to him should you ever meet him (because the last two times you have, you became a complete spastic)...and when you hope to see him but haven't in the last 2 years....

When he sits ONE row behind you in the cinema...and when he is standing one step in front of you at the stairs exiting the cinema...when he is but an arm's length away as you walk outside the cinema...when he gets into the lift behind you...when you're standing 2 inches away from his beautiful face in the lift...

YOU DO NOT

Have a panic attack so big that your verbal diaorrhea mouth completely clams up. And you stand there quivering like a spastic (while your friend actually talks to him) with a stupid smirk on your face like you're holding a particularly smelly fart in.

WTF???

YOU SHOULD

Be like hey...what's up. I'm the girl who called you once. We spoke on the phone. You're a bit of an asshole but that's ok I like that. *flirty flirty* Btw, you're the only man in the country I'd date. I love your toned torso, you twatty fine man. *lick*

At least smiled at him as you exited the lift instead of running out of it with your hand on your head as if you're about to faint in a Malay kampung aunty style.

Ergh.

If you're going to regret it more if you DON'T do it. Then DO it.

The Wrong Crush

Ok, let's talk about my current crush (a pesky little bugger who WON'T go away). I think I should introduce him (officially) to the blog. 

My current crush, as in real life crush (because I have many many many non-real life crushes of whom I can go into great detail in a later post)...anyway, yes, my current real life crush shall be known as Ridic. 

Ridic's Stats are so:

Looks: Cute (a 7.5 I'd say)

Height: Short 

Personality: Funny but twatty 

Reputation: Serial playa / asshole / childish

Length of crush: Since 2005 (very embarrassing I know, but this includes a 2 1/2 year hiatus) 

Contact: In 4 years, I have come face to face with Ridic 3 times. Spoken to him on the phone once. Emailed him twice. Have him add me on Facebook. (I have never spoken to Ridic face to face...reasons for this explained below).

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Ridic F2F Contact Part 1 : I was young, I thought he was normal...I could've talked to him. He *almost* talked to me. But alas, our paths never crossed close enough to initiate anything. Ah, the regret!

Ridic F2F Contact Part 2: In my DEFENSE, I hadn't seen him for 2.5 years and entertained the romantic fantasy that he would be one of those people I would never ever see again, so he became this beautiful unattainable thing. Then he turns up standing behind Sue at an event and the shock of seeing this unattainable beautiful thing standing behind my best friend ordering a beer sent me into what can be described as 'over-excitement'. It rendered me incapable of speech or any basic human interaction. To cut a long story short, poor Sue had to escort me out of the club and make me eat something before I could function like a normal human being. By the time we went back in, Ridic had sidled next to some buxom skank and I could only stand and stare. Oh well. At least we were now in the same city. Only a matter of time before I saw him again. (or so I thought).

ALMOST 2 YEARS LATER...

Ridic F2F Contact Part 3: I'll let the next post describe it :( 

First Looks

You know what's nuts? I remember the first time I noticed/met every one of my crushes. I don't know about you, but if you can remember the first time you saw someone and remember exactly what you thought about him, it's got to count for something.

In a homage to first looks I shall list the first time I noticed some of my more memorable crushes. Lalala.

1) Ridic - 'this is the sort of normal dude I should be dating'. HAH. *normal* my arse! How the hell was I supposed to know he'd become a pseudo-celebrity royal playa extraordinnaire? Anyway, Ridic Part III has made me realise he should be crossed OFF the crush list.

2) Cali-Boy - I was crossing the street one cold winter night and there he was in a blue hoodie jumper looking back at me. I thought, 'oh my God, he's so hot, I want to marry him.' But he was a ho-lovin' loser. Pah.

3) Feta - He was waiting at the bus stop and greeted his Mom when she got off the bus with a big hug. Aww. But don't let that deceive you, after Feta I've decided that it is wise to... *STAY AWAY FROM GREEK BOYS*

Sadly I am crushless now. Suggestions are welcome.

Rules Of The Ridic (Part I)

You know what's Ridiculous?

Ridiculous is women still going out and believing that just around the corner The One might bump into her.

Ridiculous is believing that The One is some perfect person who will sweep you off your feet.

Ridiculous is thinking someone you may have met somewhere or seen briefly, could've been The One.

Ridiculous is hoping against hope that someone you left or left you had been The One.

Ridiculous is building someone up to be The One.


So many Ridiculous notions we come up with to try and convince ourselves that being single isn't ok. That we must, by hook or by crook, find someone who *completes* us. Who's to say we won't fall apart more after meeting this inevitable character?
And who's to say there can be just ONE person that fits? Why can't there be more than one The Ones?

I wish we would stop this Ridiculousness. Even just for a day. Stop looking. Be free. Be happy with being One. Why does it have to be a lonely number? Why can't it be one of strength? Hmm?

What's the most Ridiculous, is that after all this, I don't think you'd listen to me. Because, in a stupid ridiculous way, I hardly listen to myself.
We should really give each other slaps for being this Ridiculous now, shouldn't we?