Wednesday, June 30, 2010

A Tranny or a Queen to Quell Your Crush

So ever since falling in love with the Perfect Man, I've completely neglected to blink or look at real men. This is not good. In an attempt to bring me out of the fantasy (whereby me and Perfect Man are married and sailing on the ocean) and back into reality (whereby the hottest man I've seen lately is on a Calvin Klein poster in a mall) I've decided to post a post to all the *real* and rather memorable crushes I've had in the past...

1st Crush: Bro's Friend (age: 13) (as in my age when I had the crush)
Reason for crush: He looked good in black and wire rimmed glasses.
Reasons for canceling crush: He turned out to be gay. (The fact my 1st ever crush was gay should've pre-empted me for things to come)

2nd Crush: Ryan Kim (age: 17)
Reason for crush: He was Korean and looked like he could grow up to be an architect.
Reasons for cancelling crush: His head was too small for his body, he turned out to be err, stupid.

3rd Crush: Nishan (age:17)
Reason for crush: He was hottest dude in college. His name was sexy. He had a really nice neck.
Reasons for cancelling crush: He left college. I couldn't stalk him. Last I heard, he married a friend's cousin and he's gone fat.

4th Crush: Chris (age:18)
Reason for crush: He had a nice voice. He had a nice face. He had a nice body. He had a nice everything. Plus he was nice to me.
Reasons for cancelling crush: He had REALLY bad taste in women (ie. not fancying me and fancying a girl who apparently *leaked* oil from her arse(TRUE STORY! ), and I became hotter and cooler (TRUE STORY TOO). 

5th Crush: Jamie Red Hair (age: 19)
Reason for crush: He had a really really cool dye job. His hair was jet black with striking red at the tips. He also wore an army parka and read literature. He reminded me of a vampire. I was really into Buffy at that point.
Reasons for cancelling crush: He disappeared. *POUT* One semester he was there, the next he wasn't. Maybe he *WAS* a vampire. :(

6th Crush: Mike USA (age:20)
Reason for crush: In a sea of stiff Brit boys, here was a tanned Californian who snowboarded. Also, he loved the 20th century American writers. He also made me laugh on a bus ride. *SCORE*
Reasons for cancelling crush: He went on to date an ugly looking hobag ho bitch. He went back to California and probably got some acne infested fat American girl pregnant. (I'm still bitter about this one, can u tell?)

7th Crush: Eddie Hall aka Paul Frank Beanie(age: 22)
Reason for crush: He used to hang around outside my room window wearing a lot of Paul Frank clothing. I really like the Paul Frank brand. He was hot because he wore Paul Frank. He also looked and sounded aristocratic.
Reasons for cancelling crush:  Saw him snogging the HOBAGS OF THE CENTURY who was also my dorm neighbour. He also disappeared.

8th Crush: Ridic (age: 23)
Reason for crush: He's a prince. He has a nice voice. He has *twat* factor.
Reason for cancelling crush: Found out he was a certified asshole.


Word of advice: It is better to have a slut try and steal your crush than to have a tranny try and steal your crush. But worst of all is to have a slutty tranny get into competition with you. TRUE STORY.

Monday, June 21, 2010

Papa Don't Preach

So yesterday, in case you didn't know, was Father's Day. We were hit with a barrage of public service announcements on how we should go up to our Dads and thank him, for whatever it is he has done for us, for the sake of love and for being well, our fathers. Following that, I found many a disgruntled woman who decided that they didn't have much to be thankful for when it came to their Dads. It got me thinking, when it comes to our relationships or future relationships with men, are we all ruled by the relationship we have with that first man in our lives? Are our fathers the fore-bearers of all our man-related problems? And after all these years of wisdom and soul searching, I wonder, isn't it time we give Daddy a break?

I might be talking outta my arse here if you've ever had a father who's abused or mistreated or has never met you, but as for us who have fathers who didn't do any of the above I'd like to advocate that if we at any time decided that our singledom or our misguided relationships stemmed from our father-daughter relationships and blame our Dads for it, it's time for us to stop pointing fingers and try at least give our Dads a chance.

Okay, so I'm lucky enough to be one of those rare people whose parents are still together which means I see my father often and he is by all necessary means, a good Dad. Still, I'd be lying if I said that my father-daughter relationship has been a great one. I am part of the millions of women who grow up not really being able to talk to their father and vice versa. He is of the that era of men who don't seem to think that building a communicative relationship with their children is of much importance.

I have also been angry at my father for most of my life, albeit if you ask me, I can't really say why other than perhaps, he is a difficult man to 'handle'. My father is also not one of those men who bend backwards to the whims and fancies of their beloved daughters. Though I am his only daughter, I have never felt like a Daddy's Girl. My father is strict and is not prone to showing or revealing his affections. I have never hugged my father nor has my father ever said that he loved or even liked me.

Still, after years of trying to understand my father and at the same time, trying to get him to understand me, I've decided that we should give each other a break. When you think about it, the relationship between a father and a daughter is one that contains the most levels of understanding to break through. A grown man and a little girl - there is virtually nothing that they have in common. Yet, they are expected to suddenly form this intense, unbreakable bond. Fathers don't have 9 months of pregnancy to form a bond from birth. They are virtually introduced to this baby one day and expected to look after this girl till she grows into a woman and all her life, he is expected to provide for her. Generally, men don't have nurturing instincts...what if they don't like the baby or the little girl that has suddenly come into their lives? What if they feel disconnected from them? What if they generally just don't really make friends with women? How do they cope with this one woman who suddenly expects them to provide the world? Somehow, we expect our fathers to love us despite all this, and they should but sometimes, I can't help but feel that we should cut them some slack.

There ARE things we can be thankful to our fathers for. Personally, I am glad my Dad never beat me (my Mom wielded the cane). I am also grateful to my Dad for passing me his love of books (if he had not stepped in when I was 14 and on a trashy romance novel binge and handed me instead The End of the Affair by Graham Greene, I think things might've turned out badly). The other thing I suspect I can be happy about is that all this time, my own father has cut ME some slack. As much as I'd like to think of myself as this golden child who grew up to be this fabulously perfect woman...I know I was and can be a nightmare. Who carried me between the ages of 2-4 when I refused to walk? Who gave me money when I sent begging letters after shopping binges in Paris? (ok, he didn't know about Paris and my begging strategy was to include subtly the line 'I don't feel like living anymore' for added effect- haha!) Who made me Milo every day when I used to be a bitch about the temperature? Ah yes, the list is long when it comes to the amount of slack he has had to cut me.

So in this post Father's Day post, whereby I didn't bother wishing my own Dad a Happy Father's Day (oh, because I had a fight with him like a month back and I'm trying to prove a point...hawhaw)(More slack cutting on his part there!) I am instead going to honour my father by cutting him the slack he deserves and imploring all my fellow single girls out there who blame their fathers for any number of reasons for their general failures (with men or otherwise) to try at least to start looking on the bright side and stop being angry with them. I know, I know, your father might have left you to fend for yourself, your father might have only said 2 words to you in the last 5 years, your father might not have liked your last boyfriend or your father might not have wanted to give you the crucial support you needed but for all our sakes, let it go. Even if it's just in your head, let it go.

If we don't start to mend (literally or mentally) this first relationship with the first man in our lives, what hope do we have of starting and building subsequent relationships with all the next men out there?

Sunday, June 13, 2010

They Might Say Hi, I Might Say Hey

When you've lost all hope of finding a decent member of the male species in the shores surrounding you, you find yourself resorting to strange desperate behaviour...such as:

>> After watching an Indon music video in a restaurant and noticing the lead singer is crazily hot, you start Youtubing his rumoured sex videos and watch, with mouth agape.

>> Whilst walking around the mall, you notice a hot guy smiling at you and start making eye contact and flirting...only to realise, he's the model in a Calvin Klein ad poster.

>> You have to stop yourself from talking about your Mental Husband like he's your actual husband and literally inviting people to your Mental Wedding like it's your actual wedding.

>> Actually consider inviting a hot 22 year old Himbo you've never met before to your home for some no strings attached fun.

>> Start watching old Boyzone videos and wonder if Ronan Keating is still the slut he was rumoured to be back when he was your 'husband' and consider propositioning him.

>> Think seriously about making a life size standing banner of Eric Northman/Alexander Skaarsgard for your room.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Just You, Me and the Polar Bears

Right, I'm in a letter writing mood these days. So here goes...

Dear Boyzzz,

The thing is, I'm not particularly cool.  I don't go out much. I don't smoke (well, not really, as in, I don't buy cigarettes and I don't inhale), I can't drink (this is not a choice, I would very much LOVE to have a glass of red wine at dinner or get completely pissed and dance the night away but, I'm allergic and unless you want to spend the rest of the night watching me scratch red hives that appear on my body or hold my hair back, me + drinking is no fun), and..I'm pretty crap at flirting (I turn into a deaf-mute in the face of ppl I'm attracted to). 

Are you still with me? Another thing, I'm not particularly hot which makes me not particularly popular. I used to wear scrunchies (The SHAME), I'm quite short (I have big thighs and chunky ankles), and sadly, my 'girls' (that's boobies to u) aren't exactly voluptuous. Boohoohoo. My hair is messy but like, crazy messy not Serena Van Der Woodsen hot messy and I hunch sometimes although I'm trying to sort that out (Yogilates!). I'm also not bothered enough to wear contacts so you'll have to deal with a speccy girl most of the time.

But what I can offer is this: I will write you your dreams. I can create an entire universe just for you and make you live forever. I can also make you laugh and I will always dance when you want to. I will hold your hand when you least expect it and I do genuinely want to save the world a little bit. But probably most importantly,what I can offer you is this: you will be the only one.

Oh, right, and women in my family age well so bonus there! Woohoo! I'll age gracefully by your side.

If you can handle all this, then find me already. Please. 

Yours truly,