Reading and Dating

Read a rather lovely post today, HERE:

Why You Should Date A Girl Who Reads 

Which got me thinking about how we spend our time....when you're single and really have nothing better to do,  it really comes down to two things doesn't it?

Reading...

and

Dating.

Lately, because I've been working so much (both mentally, emotionally, and for the most part physically) I haven't had time to do either. Which I suppose has led to the rather sad neglect of this blog.

I used to be a girl who read. Really, I read a lot. At least 2 books a week! But now I can't even be bothered to pick up my juicy copy of Grazia (the best guilty pleasure EVER) and as for dates...nada. An FSG (Fellow Single Girl) said to me the other day, she can't remember the last time she'd been on a proper date. I thought back to the last time it was for myself...and I think I stopped trying to recall after it reached more than 1 year back. Which brings me to being roped into the horror of horrors that is Speed Dating. Yes, folks, I shall venture forth into the world of speed dating. Please someone tell me if this is a good or bad idea. I don't know. I'm scared. But also, I think it will be REALLY funny.

And as for reading,  is there a speed dating equivalent of reading? I'd really like to be considered a reader again...for want of nothing else, to get me back to being a girl people would want to date. Nyak nyak.

Poh-Dah!

I learned a new fantastic Indian term the other day while negotiating traffic with some fabulous Indian women...

'Poh-dah!'  - which basically means, 'WTF? GET LOST!'

It's such an awesome term. Especially...well, when men use THIS (see image below) to hit on you:

I've heard of creative pick ups but when you write "Wanna go for a date, I am single, shy (so the note)....if so, if you're keen (phone number)"...on a crumpled napkin, and then stand in front of your 'victim' while reciting your entire dating CV which includes the line "Do you like sweet things? Coz I'm a pastry chef"...it's time to say....
You got it...

Poh-Dah! 

How To Tell You're On A Bad Date

SAD (Single Assholic Dude) : So shall we go back to my place?

FSG (Fellow Single Girl): Okay.

SAD & FSG go to SAD's house.

SAD: So let's just stay in the living room for awhile.

FSG: Ok, can I get a drink? Shall I put on some music?

*SAD goes to make FSG a drink and FSG turns on the music

SAD: Hey, don't put on the music so loud, my Mom is sleeping.

FSG: Ok, then let's just go to your room and listen to the music.

SAD: Oh cannot, that's where my Mom is sleeping.

FSG: Your Mom is sleeping in your room?

SAD: Yah, my Mom sleeps with me.

FSG: But why?

SAD: Cheaper what. We only use one aircond.

*FSG runs home.
*SAD shrugs and goes to sleep with his mom.

NOTE: SAD is a professional in his 30s...his Mom is neither sick or immobile or needs constant care.

Askew Me Please

Ever get that feeling of being SO DAMN FED UP with waiting for a nice bloke to just come up to you and ask you out? Here are some tried and tested ways to strike up a conversation with someone who has caught your attention.

1) 'Nice hair. You're straight, right?' (Caution: this has to be done with extreme flirty flair. Don't come across as a scary butch lesbian who may be into pretty boys. Make sure it looks like a compliment and not an insult).
If the boy answers 'No, does it make me look gay?' Follow up with something slightly insulting but flirty at the same time. If the boy answers 'Yeah, I am'...then follow up with something fag-haggy like 'Then darling, you have to give me the name of your stylist.'

2) 'Hi, you're hot. Do you wanna be in my photo shoot?' (Caution: Only do this if you have the credentials to back up your lie, or if you really DO want him to be in a photo shoot).

3) 'Our friends seem to be hitting it off. Shall we watch?' (Caution: Make sure your friend really is hitting it off with his friend. Also don't come across as a pervy ho trying to get in on some threesome action. More so, don't get so engrossed in watching you forget who you're concentrating on)

4) 'Scuse me, I don't know you' (Caution: This is best done at your own house party, or at least, at a house party where you can pretend to be the hostess...alternatively, if you've got enough panache, you can do this anywhere)

5) 'Me and my friend made a bet that you can't carry me' (Caution: Only do this with someone who looks like he can lift you like a feather. Please don't challenge someone who looks like he might have a hernia if you jumped into his arms)

6) Some loser is trying to hit on me. Can you pretend to be my boyfriend for awhile? (Caution: Please make sure he is NOT taken and available to play boyfriend duties...)

Have you tried an alternative pick up and it worked? Tell me about it! Us single girls could use all the tips we can get!!!

The Tempting Taken Man

So you spot a beenie. He's fine. He's cool. He's nice to you. And then just when you think, 'hmmm', he introduces you to his lovely wife.

Damn your principles....there is a type of man who would make you consider being 'the other woman'. Should these thoughts ever cross your mind though, (DANGER DANGER!) here are a few things you can do to steer away from those evil thoughts or actions (:P)...

>> Be friends with his wife (if she's nice to you, it'll up the guilt factor), if she's a bitch, take comfort in the fact that he might have really bad taste in women.

>> When you see him and your heart goes 'doop doop doop' quickly visualise your fantasy man instead. If you don't have a fantasy man...imagine this: Brad Pitt's toned glistening body in that steamy scene in Troy.

>> If you've decided to Facebook stalk the TTM, scan his pics for happy family pics...if he has kids, look long and hard at those pictures and think about how they'd take your being a homewrecker.

>> If your TTM's pics happen to involve happy family pics of him looking hot on the beach or if looking at pics of him and his beautiful daughter/son make you want him more...close the window and open THIS window instead.

>> Find out if your TTM has a hotter, younger SINGLE brother.

Whatever you do...AVOID:

>> Arranging to meet him on the sly.

>> Ask him if he's happy with his wife.

>> Stare longingly at him any chance you get.

>> Buy night vision goggles to stalk him outside his family home.

Filed Under Miscellanous

More reasons to avoid local men...

*In the car after dinner* 

SAD (Single, Assholic, Despo) Man: Shall we go to my place?

FSG (Fellow Single Girl): Thanks for dinner but I think I better head home, I'm tired.

SAD Man: But like, I have games in my place. Come over.

FSG: No thanks, I think I better get home, I have to be up early.

SAD Man: Just come for a bit, we can watch TV.

FSG: I don't want to come over to your place.

SAD Man: But, why?

FSG: Look, I'm not going to sleep with you ok?

SAD Man. *in whiny baby voice* But..but...I WANNNNNNNN!!!

*FSG gets out of car*

Be Open, Be Free

HAHA. I knew this would happen sooner or later:

How to flirt: lessons for women

The PUA (Pick Up Artist) equivalent for women...which basically asserts that we have to have an open, approachable aura if we want men to talk to us. 

Ok. Noted.

Stuff you shouldn't do if you want men to approach you:

1) Come with a gaggle of girlfriends who want to talk about their impending weddings.

2) Hang out with a gaggle of gay-friends and lead the convo by insulting everyone's fashion sense. 

3) Make a disgusted face when a guy looks at you.

4) Make a disgusted face then go on to tell your friends to stare down said guy who looks at you.

5) If a guy says Hi, don't shoo him away with a wave of the hand.

As for men, if you want women to respond to you, please avoid doing THIS:

Guy: Hi girls!

Happsgirl: *shoos guy away with handwave*

FSG: Err, I think this guy wants to talk to us. (to guy) Hi. 

Guy: What are your names?

Happsgirl: I'm Mischa, she's Rachel (aka, Mischa Barton & Rachel Bilson from the O.C.)

Guy: Wow you guys have such nice names!

FSG: Thanks. What's your name?

Guy: I'm RAFFER.

FSG/ Rachel: What?

Guy: RAFFER! 

Happsgirl/Mischa: How do you spell that?

Guy: RAF-FER -  It's spelt R-a-p-h-a-e-l.

Happsgirl/Mischa: Oh, Ra-fah-el

Guy: No, it's RAF-FER. 

FSG/Rachel: Er, I think it's Ra-fah-el.

Guy: Oh, some people pronounce it Ra-fah-el, but for me it's RAF-FER. Call me RAF-FER.

Happsgirl & FSG: ......

Massaasshh For You?

Whoever said that money doesn't buy love obviously hasn't stepped foot in South East Asia. 

Anyway, if you're still looking for a man who's got the Gs, here's a run down of things to look out for in a few Asian hunting grounds. 

Singapore: This is the city that gave birth to the SPG (Sarong Party Girls). For men, Singapore is where you should go if you're a) white b) rich and c) into skinny Asian chicks. In Singapore the prevailing sentiment is that expats are the shiny thing at the end of the dark tunnel as local Singaporean men are thought to be losers. So girls, listen up, unless you're an expat yourself, you don't stand a chance of competing with the gazillion other chicks here who want to hook themselves a foreign, rich, handsome man. 

Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia: Men here are basically ugly. Saying that, they know that money may just be the only thing that they've got going for them. So if you're looking for a rich, beautiful man to hook up with in Kuala Lumpur, you're in competition with well, the entire single female population. However, if looks aren't really your thing, and you're an attractive woman, this may just be the city du jour to snare yourself a rich man.

Bangkok, Thailand: Unfortunately, this is a city where sex is literally up for sale anywhere you look. The prevailing logic here is that sex could lead to love. Offer enough sex and someone will get hooked enough to take you up for the long term. Ladies, beware of making this your hunting ground... gorgeous as Thai men may be, this may be the only city where they're also your main competition. LadyBoys are very aggressive! 

Jakarta, Indonesia: Well now, Indonesia may have thousands of islands to choose from but remember, Indon men are generally lazy. Which make the women twice as more hardworking than you are. I have heard stories where Indon women are willing to literally wait hand and foot on men just to have the men treat them to dinner. If you've got the metal to do whatever it takes whatever the circumstances to snare a man with the Gs, this is the city for you! 

Foot in Mouth

let’s say you’ve met a man who you like. and he’s asked for your phone number. you feel warm and fuzzy inside and almost burst when he calls you to ask you out.

when preparing for your date, you feel the excitement and anticipation coursing through your bones. you meet him and he takes you for a nice dinner. over dinner, the both of you engage in conversation.

when the date ends, you feel a stab of disappointment that such potential fizzled out as quickly as it started.

was it because he said any one of these things?

- i usually don’t date girls who look like you. did you know my ex used to be a model? she was in FHM before.

- i hope none of my friends see us here.

- my parents? i don’t really know. haven’t seen them in over three years cos i'm too busy with work and playing WoW.

- i really enjoyed this date, dawn. (but your name’s karen)

- wow, look at the tits on that waitress. c'mere baby! HONKA HONKA!

- so how’s your health lately? did i tell you i work part time as an insurance agent and my company has just introduced these new schemes that i think would be suitable for you.

- oh, you live in the same neighbourhood as me! what a coincidence! anyway, i enjoyed dinner tonight. let me walk you to the bus stop as it's on the way to my car.

- what are you doing for christmas? want to spend it together? (and it’s only july)

- oh dear, i seem to have left my wallet at home (says this while waiter is hovering with the bill)

- my wife and i aren’t divorced yet. we’re just going through a trial separation to see how it is living apart. if we do get divorced, i hope i get custody of our seven kids.

- huh? michael jackson’s dead? since when? i don't really keep up to date with the news.

- oh my god! i totally read the sweet valley series when i was a teenager too! my favourite character is ned wakefield! such a dreamboat!

- what did you eat again? including service charge and GST, you owe me $42.10. but it's okay, just pay me $42.

- is it raining? oh man, i don't want to get my new perm wet!

- i don't usually sleep with women on the first date but for you, i'll make an exception.

- yes, drinks sound like a nice idea. let me call my mom first to let her know cos i'll be staying out past my curfew

Use Your Cigarette

I think I am in need of flirting tips. Spending the weekend with Prontip has made me realise that I am useless in the art of flirting. Me and Potsie have decided that if we are going to be any good at it, we must take a master class from Prontip. Here are a few things I've learnt through observation...

1) Use your cigarette - The best opening line ever is 'Have you got a light?'
I have been eternally impressed by the story of the girl who stands at the bar having an unlit ciggy in her hand when a mysterious hand will swoop in from behind her and lights it for her. That's class. I mean once I was reenacting the story and the bartender did the same thing for me but erm, a teenage Indian bartender lighting your ciggy doesn't have the same effect as a Rolexed well cuffed arm swooping in from behind you and wordlessly lighting it, now does it?

2) Use your eyes - Prontip has this magnificent way of looking at a guy and disarming him. I don't think she knows when she's doing it but I have observed and it's a kind of intense yet careless look that makes guys suddenly feel all self-aware and extra macho. I must learn to master this without looking like a maniac.

3) Use your hair but not too much - Playing slightly with your hair is good. Tossing your head around and literally acting like you're at a Metallica concert circa 1992 is not. Must learn to flip n' flirt. Do not keep flipping. Again. must learn to master this without looking like maniac.

4) Use your lips - Slightly pursing your lips and pouting is good. I think Potsie does this well too without even trying. She has luscious lips. Biting your lip slightly is also good. Again, I have not done this very well. Once I was trying the whole biting your lower lip thing to appear cute and my guy friend was like 'Do you have a facial tick?'. Must master without looking like I am retarded.

5) Use your laugh - Guys love it when a girl laughs at their jokes. Guys love it when girls think they're jokers. Guys do not like it when a girl is laughing AT them. Guys don't like girls who think they ARE the joke. Giggling is good. Full bellied laugh until snot comes outta your nose is not. Sarcastic laughter is also not good. Must master this one to full effect. Also don't try to out-funny a guy. They don't like it when you suddenly become the stand up comedy act of the evening. (Repeat last sentence to self).

Treat 'Em Mean....

I'm going to test out a theory...

So I watched The Ugly Truth today and it suddenly dawned on me that this whole 'treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen' business might actually work both ways.
If there's really any truth in all this, then most men will be intrigued by a woman who does any of the following:

#1 - Refuse to let them buy you a drink. (but then obviously retract at the last second)

#2 - Talk to them for 2 minutes and be really like, into them...then fuck off to the toilet only to return and talk to some other guy.

#3 - Don't even bother giving them your name but give him your own personal nickname.

#4 - If they ask you not to do something, go ahead and do it.
(eg. Guy: Don't smoke so much, it's a bad habit.
You: Light up a cigarette and blow the smoke in his face with a sly grin)

#5 - Call them then hang up suddenly or talk to someone else (preferably a guy) when you're still on the phone with them.

So ladies, what have been your 'mean girl' tactics to lure a guy? HAH.

Not Enough Fans

well, I've decided, after 2 days...to delete my profile from the aforementioned dating website.

sniff sniff.

I got 20 fans and started to get really excited and chuffed but then what happened was, I didn't get anymore fans. So now I'm feeling huffy.

Another reason is that this sneaky dating website needs you to buy at least a monthly subscription to talk to the lovely men who have taken the trouble to message you. Something I can't physically do anyway.

Which is a shame seeing as some of the dudes seem quite lovely.

There was :

Darren - some dude who owns his own publishing house who genuinely sounds pretty lovely. He also looks a bit like Shayne Ward. Score! His only flaw was that he seemed a bit boring and a bit too appreciative of my 'prettiness'.

George - His first message read 'Tea?'...then I didn't reply...so his next message was 'Cake?'..HAHA. Stuff like that cracks me up. Plus his profile said he was once groomed by a monkey. But he wants me to sign up and I can't. And he ain't buying me a subscription (which I cheekily asked for). Oh well.

Old Guy - This dude's message goes ' Wow, you're sassy and stunning! When do you get back from your travels? Let's meet up" and I'm thinking, dude, slow down. So I asked him for a subsciption and he goes 'AM I THE KINDA MAN YOU WANT THOUGH?' To which I replied, I'm very interested.' But that still didn't make him buy me a subscription. Boo.

...

Late last night I noticed a cute guy who had viewed my profile. I got suitably excited and decided to go through all his photos. On closer inspection, I was CONVINCED he was my ex-housemate JimJam. But this dude was hot and sexy. And my housemate was neither. So I decided to browse his profile and the more I stalked the more convinced I was this dude was JimJam. Everything from the age to the height matched. The biggest question right now is, how did my former housemate become so damn hot? And if it is him, why didn't he bloody add me to his favourites???

More reason to go MIA on the site.

Sold out on Soulmates

Oh Ho Ho Ho...

So here's the update...I totally tried signing up to this dating website but try as I might, every username I picked wasn't available. Which I reckon is a glitch in the system because how can 'happpsssgirl8234' be taken? I mean the probability is like 1 in a 1000000...so yeah, it's not meant to be that I sign up on that site.

So what I did was go back to a trusty site. Although, I had to lie about my location because you don't get clicks if you say you're stuck in a stupid city in a stupid country in the Far East. Unless the dudes are Asian Slut Chasers or...the usual despo Arabs and Indians. Who always message you the same thing " You want be my wife?" or "You sexy. I marry you, yes?"

No.

Anyway, the update is that I've signed on for like less than 24 hours and already I have 13 'Fans' Whoopteedoo. And a couple of messages from dudes who aren't all bad. Seriously! Quite hamsem ok. I shall send pics to Potsie and Prontip for approval.

I gotta say, I'm having fun.
More updates later.kaka.

To match or not to match

If only I looked like dear ol' Alessandra...

I am contemplating signing up to match.com. I really want to. I've even gone as far as to browse the site and skim the signing up sheet.
Desperate times call for desperate measures you know.

Before I go any further though, I'd like to recall a time when I DID join up to a dating website. The reason I did this was well, I wanted to stalk Baxter. And Baxter signed up for a joke and anything Baxter did at that time, I did. Pah.

So I join up and I get a few random messages. But you can't chat for free on this site and I wasn't about to pay good money to talk to random ugly men. I could do that on the subway.

Then I get this idea...put up a pic of a model and see how many messages I get. So I go browsing through the Storm Models website and pick a photo that looks unprofessional.

I draw on my creative skills to write up a profile and lo and behold! I get around 100 messages in the first hour I sign up! woohoo!
Two guys offer to buy me 'gift memberships' to which I accept graciously and use the membership to chat up other guys.

In one day, my character "Anna" became the most popular profile on the website. Woohoo!

Through "Anna" I do get to 'meet' my share of funny and fantastic people. There was the dude whose every message started with the line "sky's a clear blue today"...there was the stalker dude who wouldn't go away even after I was incredibly rude...and there was the lovely dude who had the funniest messages who turned out to be a serial online dating player.

Sadly my sojourn into becoming a popular online dating character was short lived. My gift subscription expired and I got lazy replying the dozens and dozens of messages I got. I started to feel like the ugly personal assistant to my celebrity alter ego.

There was also the erm...slight mess whereby I chatted up one of my friends as "Anna" and had to come clean to him when he started getting interested in 'her'. Messy.

However!There is a lesson to be learnt here though...since my character was such a hit and had so many men fall in love with her words, I realised that it is not my personality that was the problem, it was my looks.
*sniffly sniffly poo*

And also...err...the other lesson to be learnt is that you might get caught for identity theft. Or unlicensed use of Storm Model pictures. :(

So yeah, do I want to go through all that crap again? hehe. Let's just wait and see!