Why Virgins Are In

A virgin. No, REALLY.

The lack of good specimens in our vicinity has started to grate on us Happy Single Girls. (in more ways than one, I'll have you know...hurhurhur) Which has set us on a path to look for greener, fresher, riper....pastures.Unfortunately we have come up short. Men in our vicinity are either taken or too dirty. It really has come down to those two categories. Taken or Too Dirty.

Men in our vicinity... and why they aren't options:
Specimen #1: Cayenne Client
Well he's sort of the right age, drives not one but TWO Porche Cayennes (kaching!), is well spoken and well dressed...
Verdict: Too Dirty (he also happens to voice out his desire to see you dressed as a mermaid in very public very serious meetings and can't control himself if you wear a low cut top)

Speciment #2: Nice Bone Structure
He is lovely really. Nice guy, nice cheekbones, nice voice...nice nice. And cool too. Cool friends, cool style, cool house.
Verdict: Taken ( by an equally nice girl with probably cooler friends and cooler clothes...*pout*)

Specimen #3: Sport Supahstar
Hot, sexy, young, makes a pretty decent living....Oh, and famous. Did I mention Hot, Sexy AND Famous?
Verdict: Too Dirty (To be expected of a hot, sexy, famous and young boy I suppose.  Too many skankyhobagalots where he's dipped his famous marker pen into)

Which brings us to wish and hope for the one thing that isn't taken or dirty....
The virgin.
At least...with them...you're guaranteed some form of cleanliness and since the skankyhobagsalots haven't gotten to them yet, they are single and ripe for the picking.

Need we say more?

Stories to consider

So I heard this story but it has to be told in the language I heard it in else some of its fantastic nuances...

Overheard:
Random person: So Dato', I heard you got a woman on the side.
Dato: Ye ke? Siapa kata?
RP: I knowla. You set her up with a place in London.
Dato': Ah, tulah.
RP: Who is she?
Dato: Does it matter?
RP: So how did you meet her?
Dato: Jangan hebohkan ye, kat email!
RP: You met her through email?
Dato: Ya she emailed me. Said she interested in me.
RP: So you started with her through that? How did you know what she was like?
Dato: Kan internet boleh send gambar?
RP: Oh so she sent you photos of herself.
Dato: Ya ya. You wanna know why I started the affair?
RP: Why?
Dato': Kan she sent gambar...I tengok. Wah bes, Tektek BESAR!

And there you have it folks...The reason men choose to have affairs. Mind you, this Dato's wife is a very classy, beautiful woman of substance. But obviously, not with a rack that can compete for her husband's attention....

Translations: 
Dato': Malaysian term for a dignitary position
Ye ke, siapa kata? : Really? Who said?
Tulah: I see.
Jangan hebohkan: Don't spread it around
Gambar: Picture/Photo
Tengok: See/Saw
Wah bes, tektek BESAR: Wow, great! BIG TITS!

Playa...Puhleasseee!

Most men think we're stupid...or something. I mean, please give us *some* credit. We haven't lived this long, been through as much shit as we have, to be played by you (and in stupid ways too). Seriously. We are trains and not stations. We have places to be, things to do...we aren't your one stop joyride.

A few things Playas need to regonizzzzeee:

#1 >> Asking us to look at the moon at random times.
Playa, puhlease...every guy who wants to come off as sensitive and soulful has asked a girl to look at the moon. And you know what playa, we seen da moon, we've checked da moon, and it's DA SAME every time yo!

#2 >> Asking us to come over and listen to some music he made.
Playa, puhlease...we know this implies lying on his bed and being really impressed by his musical gifts and fine, if he has real talent this works. However, if he makes music that sounds like whale sounds or if he sits around playing the bongos...we're gonna tell it like it is. Byebye.

#3 >> After a night out when the mood is still high and you're not quite sure what next to do, he offers to come take you to a celebrity after party.
Playa, puhlease...It's cool if you want to impress a girl with your popularity and connections but we also know that the *real* after party you mean, is the 'after party at my body'.

#4 >> Pretend to be really concerned and try to help you get back the yoga lessons that you missed but already paid for.
Playa, puhlease...We're all for you being cute and super helpful and the fact that you prob have a hot body from all that yoga....BUT, we also know that you trawl yoga centres looking for fuck buddies. SEEN! eww.

#5 >> Tell you they feel intimidated by you because you're just so smart and they feel small around you.
Playa, puhlease...If you want a girl to feel as if she's smarter and more awesome than you, don't put yourself down because it doesn't make you look soft and in need of saving. It just makes you look wimpy n sad. Also, let it be known, we KNOW we're awesome. 'Nuff said.

Poh-Dah!

I learned a new fantastic Indian term the other day while negotiating traffic with some fabulous Indian women...

'Poh-dah!'  - which basically means, 'WTF? GET LOST!'

It's such an awesome term. Especially...well, when men use THIS (see image below) to hit on you:

I've heard of creative pick ups but when you write "Wanna go for a date, I am single, shy (so the note)....if so, if you're keen (phone number)"...on a crumpled napkin, and then stand in front of your 'victim' while reciting your entire dating CV which includes the line "Do you like sweet things? Coz I'm a pastry chef"...it's time to say....
You got it...

Poh-Dah! 

They Might Say Hi, I Might Say Hey

When you've lost all hope of finding a decent member of the male species in the shores surrounding you, you find yourself resorting to strange desperate behaviour...such as:

>> After watching an Indon music video in a restaurant and noticing the lead singer is crazily hot, you start Youtubing his rumoured sex videos and watch, with mouth agape.

>> Whilst walking around the mall, you notice a hot guy smiling at you and start making eye contact and flirting...only to realise, he's the model in a Calvin Klein ad poster.

>> You have to stop yourself from talking about your Mental Husband like he's your actual husband and literally inviting people to your Mental Wedding like it's your actual wedding.

>> Actually consider inviting a hot 22 year old Himbo you've never met before to your home for some no strings attached fun.

>> Start watching old Boyzone videos and wonder if Ronan Keating is still the slut he was rumoured to be back when he was your 'husband' and consider propositioning him.

>> Think seriously about making a life size standing banner of Eric Northman/Alexander Skaarsgard for your room.

Just You, Me and the Polar Bears

Right, I'm in a letter writing mood these days. So here goes...

Dear Boyzzz,


The thing is, I'm not particularly cool.  I don't go out much. I don't smoke (well, not really, as in, I don't buy cigarettes and I don't inhale), I can't drink (this is not a choice, I would very much LOVE to have a glass of red wine at dinner or get completely pissed and dance the night away but, I'm allergic and unless you want to spend the rest of the night watching me scratch red hives that appear on my body or hold my hair back, me + drinking is no fun), and..I'm pretty crap at flirting (I turn into a deaf-mute in the face of ppl I'm attracted to). 


Are you still with me? Another thing, I'm not particularly hot which makes me not particularly popular. I used to wear scrunchies (The SHAME), I'm quite short (I have big thighs and chunky ankles), and sadly, my 'girls' (that's boobies to u) aren't exactly voluptuous. Boohoohoo. My hair is messy but like, crazy messy not Serena Van Der Woodsen hot messy and I hunch sometimes although I'm trying to sort that out (Yogilates!). I'm also not bothered enough to wear contacts so you'll have to deal with a speccy girl most of the time.


But what I can offer is this: I will write you your dreams. I can create an entire universe just for you and make you live forever. I can also make you laugh and I will always dance when you want to. I will hold your hand when you least expect it and I do genuinely want to save the world a little bit. But probably most importantly,what I can offer you is this: you will be the only one.


Oh, right, and women in my family age well so bonus there! Woohoo! I'll age gracefully by your side.


If you can handle all this, then find me already. Please. 


Yours truly,
Happsgirl

Anticipating The Weekend

Here are some things you should do should you want to attract male attention:

1) Be pretty : never go out without your makeup and nice-smelling hair.
2) Be happy: smile a lot and don't be afraid to laugh out loud.
3) Be 'syok sendiri': Love yourself, if you think you're hot, chances are people will think the same.
4) Be flirtatious: Toss your hair, smile with your eyes, giggle.
5) Be tactile: A well placed hand on arm, a careless hug, a brush of the foot will go a long way.

Here are some things you shouldn't do should you want to attract male attention:

1) Pile on so much makeup you're a cross between Donatella Versace and Bozo the Clown.Have unwashed hair or a shaved head (unless u're Natalie Portman of course)
2) Laugh like a hyena or snort uncontrollably while laughing.
3) Start announcing how hot you are at a party (or whichever crowded area you find yourself in) to get freebies.
4) Come on too strong: Don't suffocate him with your boobs, don't toss your hair into his face, don't stare him down then lick your lips mouthing 'I want to get nasty withchoo baby'.
5) Throw your arms around him and refuse to let go, pin him to a wall and suck face with him till he turns blue, grab his groin as you walk past him.

Filed Under Miscellanous

More reasons to avoid local men...

*In the car after dinner* 

SAD (Single, Assholic, Despo) Man: Shall we go to my place?

FSG (Fellow Single Girl): Thanks for dinner but I think I better head home, I'm tired.

SAD Man: But like, I have games in my place. Come over.

FSG: No thanks, I think I better get home, I have to be up early.

SAD Man: Just come for a bit, we can watch TV.

FSG: I don't want to come over to your place.

SAD Man: But, why?

FSG: Look, I'm not going to sleep with you ok?

SAD Man. *in whiny baby voice* But..but...I WANNNNNNNN!!!

*FSG gets out of car*

Another Nutty Post

Korean Beach House on Jeju Island

Alright. Let me just go right ahead and say it. 

I've spent the past 3 days feeling sorry for myself and holing up at home watching Korean love dramas. 

The funny thing about love dramas is that, they suck you into believing that the story is yours. That maybe, you're the one that has lived this. That you want, more than anything else, to have a happy ending. 

And so, in some twisted corny way, I want to live happily ever after in a house by the sea with a handsome, tanned Korean man for whom I can make bibimbap for. 

This is now the new dream. 

But the new dream does not allow for any of reality to seep in. Before, when the dream was a scruffy but posh boy who read books and played the guitar, it allowed for reality. I *could* meet that tall boy who worked in a bookshop.

But I can't meet a handsome Korean model/guy who lives in beach house. Why? Because I would probably have to buy tickets to a Rain concert in Seoul for that to happen. And in any case, the only Korean I know are side dishes to Korean BBQ. Oh and another thing, I look about as Korean as a Swiss roll. 

Life is unfair. I was told to look East for the man of my dreams. I did. But nobody told me the man of my dreams will only exist on the TV screen.  

Look Toward The East

So anyway...I've been told...by a pretty reliable (and expensive) source that if I was going to have any success with finding a husband, I have to look East.
My list of places to search for potential husbands:

China
Hong Kong
Japan
Taiwan
Middle East

I'm so screwed.

Ye of Little Faith (part II)

See, you can't even rely on men to have a little faith in you...

UMF (Unsuspecting Male Friend) says:

What do I get outta the marriage?

Happsgirl says:

A good wife.

UMF says: 

my idea of a good wife is a lil different

Happsgirl says:
whats a good wife to u?

massage ur feet every day ah?

UMF - says:

ah i rather not be too explicit
might scare u off

Happsgirl says:

i can hire people to do that for u

if i get scared off

UMF - says:

adventurous, kinky, open-minded
all good

Happsgirl says:

is that what makes a good wife?

 my god

i should put that up on my dating profile

UMF - says:
no...that's just somethin to tag on with the conventional wife model

im just a dirty teenage boy

Happsgirl says:

how u know i meant the conventional wife model when i said good wife?

UMF - says:
i assumed
i dont know how kinky u are.

Happsgirl says:

u'll find out if u sign backup husband contract

UMF - says:

hmmm....can do an advance ?

Happsgirl says:

nope

its like a prenup

u only find out once u sign

UMF - says:

i rather a sample of things to come

don't wanna be scammed

Happsgirl says:

ye of little faith

UMF - says:

u don't wanna live up to your billing huh?

Happsgirl says:

i can live up to it

but i must have contractual agreement to my demands

UMF - says:

im just askin for a sample...not the whole deal

a taste of things to come and heck i'd sign a lifetime agreement

how does dat sound?

Happsgirl says:

Lifetime agreement? I don't want!

i want only a contractual marriage

 i dont wanna be married to u forever

UMF - says:

....
ok lo...since u wanna be such a hard sell

i'll think it over

To The Boyzzzz

Over the last month, at least 5 men have come to me with a confession...

No, they weren't secretly madly in love with me. Boo.

But they do read this blog. Eek. 

I am having some trouble though, with the idea that men read this blog. It troubles me for these reasons:

#My personal brand of single girl neuroses is open to male judgement. 

#Men might think all women think this way. (i sincerely hope not)

#I am sealing my fate as a single girl as most of the men who have told me they read this blog are actually cute, eligible single men. (who may now be scared off)

# I wanted above all else, for this to be a place women came to commiserate and be entertained, and not BE the entertainment. 

Yah, but that said, I'm just happy anyone reads this at all. But please, if you ARE male and you have something to contribute to any of this, then by all means, give me a shout out. 

Oh you can also give me a shout out if you want to date me DESPITE this. (I am officially in panic mode). kaka. 

I'm going to be single forever

Well, it's official. I'm in panic mode.

Signs you're in panic mode:

1 - You start going through your Facebook friend's list and separate the single from the non-single male friends.

2 - You message your male friends relentlessly to get some attention.

3 - You suddenly realise your wardrobe has nothing that shows off your cleavage (no matter how non-existent it is)

4 - You've started writing letters to an assortment of hot celebrities again.

5 - You start to track down the exes who have disappeared. 

6 - You start to flirt back with men who repulse you.

7 - You contemplate lesbianism seriously.

8 - You badger a kind male friend into becoming your 'back up'. 

9 - You try to make 'spinster pacts' with your girlfriends.

10 - You can't sleep because you're up all night internet stalking potential dates. 

Syok Sendiri-ness (Hot For Yourself)

The other night I went out with a couple of FSGs (Fellow Single Girls) and were standing in line for the club. When we had been waiting for all of 10 minutes and were getting suitably hot and bothered this is what my FSG friend had to say:

FSG#1: They should let us go to the front and get in for free.

Happsgirl: Why?

FSG#1: Coz we're hot.

FSG#2: That's not a reason.

FSG#1: It should be.

Teeheehee. It got me thinking, do we over-estimate ourselves sometimes? Ok, do we over-estimate ourselves all the time? To the point of it maybe being the very reason we're single? I think I do. Case in point...perfectly nice normal boy comes and talks to you in the club...you say hi, but reckon, hey, you're hot enough tonight to hook up with the DJ. You end the night hanging around DJ's booth and then watch him take off with a model while perfectly nice boy has gone home with some ugly, bitchy girl you know he's too good for.

We bring this on ourselves. We do.

Signs you may be suffering from a bad case of syok-sendiri-ness:

#1 - You think you look hot even when you've just woken up and have eye bags that hang to your chin and hair that looks like an orang gila (crazy person).

#2 - When people ask you what's your lowest standard of guy you would date, you say 'billionnaire male model'.

#3 - If you go to a gig and the only people you think are good enough to hook up with are band members. Worse still if the band is made up of err, John Mayer alone.

#4 - You think you're compromising when you get asked out by a nice, cute guy but he doesn't happen to be a prince.

#5 - You demand to be let into a club on account of your hotness. Even if it entails a big embarrassing fight with the bouncers and the phrase 'Do you know who my father is?' being thrown about.

#6 - You think people are checking you out all the time, even when you're driving and people are looking in your direction because you are the oncoming traffic they need to avoid.

Whoops

Confession!

I haven't deleted my profile yet. HAWHAW.

I was going to in all seriousness...but then I spied this super duper hot half-British, half-Japanese dude who is a DJ (my weakness) who helps like poor starving African kids (my other weakness). So I stayed on just so I can spy on his beautiful profile a bit longer. Sad I know. But the dude posted up a topless pic of him navigating a yacht. FORSHIZZLE.

Then this morning, I realised he became a 'Fan' of me too! SCORE! BONUS! YIPPIEKAYAY! Cheap thrill galore!!!

Yeah...so I'll delete it this weekend. I mean I can't sign up and Mr.Hot Jap DJ is probably not a subscriber either. Still...he's provided me with my biggest cheap thrill of the week. Nyak.

Till Death Do Us Wrong

So we were exchanging horror stories and I have to say this is the worst:

A friend of a friend had a problem with her *private area* and decided that she needed to go to the doctor to find out if the itch was an STD.

So she goes in for the test and comes back a couple of days later for the results. When she reaches the doctor's office, the doctor is standing there with two police officers. This is when she is informed that there was something in her test results that needed police investigation.

She then gets told that her *itch* is caused by a certain type of worm. *bleurgh* And that worm can only be found in dead bodies.

The question now is, how did a worm from a dead body enter this fine woman's nether regions?

Hence the police being there, because something NASTY must be going on...

What it turned out to be was, this woman's boyfriend worked in a mortuary. And well, he was having a jolly good time with some of these dead bodies. Eww.

And what he did was, bang a corpse, failed to wash his kukuchiao and came back and banged his unfortunate gf.

So the police picked him up for necrophilia.

But the most amazing part about this story is...after the whole incident...the biggest question on the girl's lips was...'Err, I don't know if I should break up with him.'

WTF.

That's what you call mortally stupid.

Alternative Options

For all of us who don't have a big strapping man to cuddle us to sleep at night, we now have an alternative!

Behold, the Boyfriend Pillow! Yippee!

And boys, boys, don't feel left out. There is also an option for you...
Behold, the Girlfriend Lap Pillow!! OOOOOH.

As I'm off to sunny beaches to oggle at toned surfer dudes for a few days, I will leave you with this piece of sagely advice...
It is better to love a man or woman no matter how rotten they are than to love a pillow.

How To Tell You're Getting Despo

#1 You've started to believe the FB Quiz that your Celebrity Boyfriend really IS Robert Pattinson and you've devised a long list of reasons on why he really SHOULD be your boyfriend. ( eg. he has messy hair, you have messy hair, he mumbles, you mumble - it's just logical you're MFEO) (Made For Each Other - a term I learnt from Kavana)

#2 You start high-fiving yourself for simply being in the vincinity of attractive older men (even though one of them is like, a cousin and the other is like, your boss)

#3 You've just started a really long letter in your head to the FLOYL (Former Love Of Your Life) detailing to him why he should really dump the German ho and be with you because you loved him first and also that Asian women are more subservient and will ultimately pleasure him more than any stupid kinky German tricks a ho picks up on Eurotrash.

#4 Your friends have started to tell you that you need to go out with someone... ANYONE including a sleazy looking balding doctor with a possible BO problem. (No thankss)

#5 You decide that it's time to message the perfect guy you went on a blind date with (whom you ran away from and haven't contacted since) and tell him that you've publicly announced that he's Perfect. You also panic when he wants to add you on messenger because your profile pic is one of you being felt up by an oiled muscle man.

#6 You've started to consider how to possibly get back in touch with that oiled muscle man. (You also regret not asking him to sling you over his shoulder and take you home with him)

#7 You start to wonder if your gay best friend might consider doing you a little favour by not being gay for one night. Or two. Or maybe possibly just marry you for convenience sake.

#8 You find yourself suddenly being really attracted to Marilyn Manson.