Friday, August 6, 2010

The Unicorn Under Your Bed

I was reading a tranny's blog when I found myself suddenly in a flutter of panic. This 'tranny' (who isn't really a tranny but a real girl who, try as I might can't be convinced ISN'T one) was getting more action than I'd ever seen this side of the Old Mother Hubbard cupboard.

Pages and pages went on about her past relationships and her potential conquests and knowing that these aren't particular gnomes or trolls of men got me wondering, wow, what does this tranny have that I don't have...subsequently, I thought to myself, OMG, Has it finally come to this? Am I, the last happy single girl, so desperate that I am in competition with a tranny?

To gather my wits about me, I started to make a list of why I am more awesome than this 'tranny'..Call it the Perfect Girl List. I suggest anyone who finds themselves feeling down and feeling jealous of either zit infested sluts, overweight hobags or well, ambiguous She-men, should make their own Perfect Girl list.

Happsgirl's Perfect Girl List:
(alternatively: Reasons I Am Perfect and A Billion Zillion Times More Awesome Than A Tranny List)

1) People don't generally get a fright when they see my face.
2) I have class. This is because I was not raised a hobag and I haven't been caught sucking someone's balls in the toilet of a really seedy club somewhere along a highway (a story that I KNOW is true for some). 
3) I am pretty smart and I don't pretend to be smart. I always own up when I don't know what the hell people are talking about.
4) I know who I am. None of this I'm lost and need to be saved business unless of course, you're Eric Northman and you need to protect me from your big 'bad' sexy self. Teeheeheehee.
5) Literatti Glitteratti.
6) I can be quite funny. Like, some people have told me I can be TOO funny. Yah yah, like I can talk about farting quite a lot.
 7) I am happy. As in it takes quite little to make me laugh. Like, for instance, 'HERE'S A PUG!'...and I start laughing. See? Easy.
8) I am not precious. I am perfectly capable of cleaning toilets and ironing my own clothes.I don't whine a lot. This is because I was raised by a mother who told me there is nothing tackier than a woman who doesn't wash her own underwear.
9) I like what I do. My job inspires me and I like to think I inspire other people. I secretly also think my job validates me as being better than most people. HAHA.
10) And this is very important, I am better than a 'tranny' because...I do not hide unicorns under my bed.

Disclaimer: This post is not intended to be derogatory to any real trans-gender women. The term 'tranny' here is simply being used as a derogatory term for women I have little respect for. I think real trans-gender women are a lot more awesome than the type of women I brand 'trannies' and for whom I originally intended this list for. 


  1. Um, LHSG, I just want to say how one aspect where you definitely lord over so-called "trannies" is the need to make fun of other people at their expense. In that regard, you don't sound terribly happy. The vast majority of trans women are not in some battle with you for your womanhood. Most of the time, they're trying to avoid having people such as yourself cr*p all over their personhood and sense of their own identity.

    May I suggest trying to mull over aspects of your life where you have privilege in comparison to trans women (think hard, there are MANY), and how trans women have the highest murder rate of any group in the country and that many trans women find the term "tranny" (especially when said by non-trans people) a nasty put down.

    And as to your #10, believe it or not, the men who date pre-op trans women do so full well knowing they want someone who looks female yet still has a dick. And that many of the men you've dated are likely looking at such images on the Internet because they find them sexually exciting.

  2. Hi Gina,
    Although I agree that perhaps my post is insensitive and derogatory to actual transgender women, it was not intended to put down actual trans-women. This post is in fact directed at a real woman whom I have chosen to brand a derogatory term. For stylistic effect.

    I may have used the term loosely and I agree it is rather rude to use the term to make fun of actual people dealing with trans gender issues. But as far as this post is concerned it is simply a term I chose to use for people I have little regard for.

    In this respect, I apologise to any actual transgenders that may find this post as I am sure it is offensive. I have absolutely nothing against their lifestyle choice n often applaud it. It is just unfortunate that I chose this group of people to bear the brunt of my belittling comments.

    Finally, I am not in competition with any actual transsexual women. My point #10 was genuinely for comedic effect. Perhaps I should rename this post, A Hobags Destiny and spare everyone the grief.

  3. Well then using the term "tranny" as an insult towards non-transgender women is equally insulting to trans people. Are you using it as a synonym for someone who's ugly, trashy, a skank or fake-looking? Someone who "looks like a man?" Any of those are highly insulting to trans women. Moreover, being trans is not a "lifestyle choice" it's something you're born with, like being left handed. Nor is it "unfortunate" you chose trans people as a way of belittling women you don't like, it's mean to the trans community. Don't soft pedal it.

    My I suggest you need to educate yourself and re-examine your assumptions—a not-very nice side of you is being shown in this blog. What you name this is one thing, but how you consider calling someone a "tranny" as the ultimate insult is another. :-(