Tuesday, April 20, 2010

How To Tell You're On A Bad Date

SAD (Single Assholic Dude) : So shall we go back to my place?

FSG (Fellow Single Girl): Okay.

SAD & FSG go to SAD's house.

SAD: So let's just stay in the living room for awhile.

FSG: Ok, can I get a drink? Shall I put on some music?

*SAD goes to make FSG a drink and FSG turns on the music

SAD: Hey, don't put on the music so loud, my Mom is sleeping.

FSG: Ok, then let's just go to your room and listen to the music.

SAD: Oh cannot, that's where my Mom is sleeping.

FSG: Your Mom is sleeping in your room?

SAD: Yah, my Mom sleeps with me.

FSG: But why?

SAD: Cheaper what. We only use one aircond.

*FSG runs home.
*SAD shrugs and goes to sleep with his mom.

NOTE: SAD is a professional in his 30s...his Mom is neither sick or immobile or needs constant care.

Monday, April 12, 2010

How Do You Do Your Eyes?

Having met an incredibly sophisticated gay man last weekend, I am now nursing a ghey crush on some fabulously ghey gay men. Sometimes I wish I was a gay man...It would be fun. I'd get a lot more action. Yeah.

Ghey Gay Men I'd Do If I Were A Ghey Gay Man:

Adam Lambert
Why? Sex appeal. Check. Tons of eye liner. Check. Husky voice. Check. Tight leather trousers. Check.
I get the feeling Adam might be the kinda guy you can go out with and be the best of your worst self with. Heh. Naughty naughty.

Marc Jacobs
Why? Oh how do I count the ways in which I love Marc-y Marc?? How can you NOT love someone who is gorgeous, funny, smart, fun AND can make you beautiful beautiful garments? He is a wet dream to anybody with a sense of style. I heart Marc. I would want to slip him on any day...or night.

Brian Molko
Why?Yes, if I were a gay man, I would definitely be the big burly butch to this lovely little lamb/girl. Brian Molko who's voice makes slitting your wrist seem cool ('Carved your name into my arm, instead of stressed, I lie here charmed') and who isn't afraid to be strange and slightly obnoxious at a mere 5'4. He is like a drug you would like to try. Mmmm. 

Kyan Douglas  (from Queer Eye For The Straight Guy)
Why?I LOVE YOU KYAN!!! If I were an emotional gay man I would cry at the sight of lovely Kyan. Oh thee of beautiful hair and flawless teeth...Kyan is the kind of boyfriend any gay man (or woman for that matter) would want. He's polite, quiet, has a great smile, caring and above all, is superbly groomed. Love love love.

Worthy mentions:

Wentworth Miller
Grumble grumble. The love of my life, why do I have to be a gay man to love you? Grumble Grumble.

Wang Lee-Hom
Apparently you're not gay. But I think you are. But if you're not, heaven and earth rejoice.

Monday, April 5, 2010

6 Impossible Things B4 Breakfast

The Single Girl's 6 Impossible Things:

1) That there will come a point where you don't care anymore.

2) That all men will eradicate the Asshole Gene.

3) That people will stop questioning our singledom.

4) That over-loved up couples will cease to annoy us.

5) That we will stop questioning our physical attractiveness.

6) That the Perfect Man exists.