Upset Tummy

Isn't it ironic? A Queen is ruining my life.
I have been suffering from a constant upset tummy because of a Queen.

Everybody who hailed the Queen should really be shot.

I'm sad. The happy single girl is really sad. Help. Help me kill the Queen.

Ways in which I have fantasised about killing the Queen:
- Pop her like a balloon.
- Run her over with a steamroller.
- Enrol her in Biggest Loser and tell them to make her run on a treadmill till she gets a heart attack.
- Hope she gets filled with helium and floats away.
- A bigger Queen bitch slaps her into the ground.
- A scary man named Bubba makes her his playtoy.
- Someone accidentally shoots her with a tranquilizer gun and sells her off for money.

How do you run from a Queen who thinks she rules the world?

A Letter A Day Keeps The Looneys Away

I've been inspired by Prontip who blogged about when she broke up with her ex-bf and decided that to win him back she would write him a letter every day telling him why he should come back to her.

Here is the first letter I would write to you...

Dear Baxter,
I was secretly in love with you. Oh yesssiree. After this long and this much time apart, I am saying it now. I might as well, I have nothing to lose. You probably don't remember me anyway.
I don't remember you either. All I have left of you is the shape of your fingertips. I know, it's a strange thing to say...or to remember.
But yes, I was secretly in love witn you, I always in some way, will be. So there. Don't freak out.

The second letter:
Dear Baxter,

So you're probably wondering why, how? It all started when you started being so bloody nice to me. And then you started being so bloody funny. And then sometimes, you would look at me as if I was in on your joke. That unravelled me. I thought you were fantastic.

It wasn't as if I woke up one day and realised I was in love with you. There were days I hated you. There were days I didn't think about you at all. There were days when I loved somebody else.

What floors me is that it doesn't take much for someone to make you fall in love with them. I just really liked being around you. When you were there, it was always so much better than when you weren't. That's all.

The third letter:
Dear Baxter,
I used to wish you'd wake up and be in love with me.

The fourth letter:
Dear Baxter,
Here's why I thought you should be in love with me. I think I get it...whatever it is you're trying to do to get happy.
I'm also a fantastic catch. And I can make you laugh.
And I'm Asian, and Asian wives are so much better than skanky ho German or English ones. I'll explain this at length sometime later. Seriously though, you should consider this fact: Asian women have been TRAINED to serve their husbands since birth. So..yeah.
If you aren't attracted to me, consider this other fact: I'm very bendy.

The fifth letter:
Dear Baxter,
I took the time to bloody write complete sagas about you. That act alone suggests a very high level of commitment and loyalty on my part. Considering, as you know, I am a very busy and popular woman.

The sixth letter:
Dear Baxter,
Why shouldn't you be in love with me? I mean I'm fantastic, and you look like a monkey.

The seventh letter:

Dear Baxter,
One day I woke up and realised I wasn't in love with you. I lost you. And facts was facts, you would never love me back. So that's that.

You're such an idiot.

--------

Let This Love Begin

You know you're in need of some male attention when the only toned torso you've seen lately was from this video:

How To Stay Undercover

When you have a longstanding and embarrassing crush on someone, here are a few things to keep i mind should you want to preserve your air of mystery:

- When someone mentions they saw your crush somewhere, you don't say ' HE WAS THERE?" three times in succession, with your voice rising each time.

- You don't let anybody catch you browsing his Facebook page at work.

- When someone tells you a story about him being exceptionally twatty, you don't giggle and say 'Aaw...'. A quick nod and a serious face should suffice.

- You shouldn't let him catch you following him. If he suspects that you are, you should quicken your pace and walk resolutely past him and toward the nearest exit.

- If he is in close proximity and you find yourself feeling faint, you should pretend that you're suddenly suffering from claustrophobia. Do not faint in front of him in hopes he might notice you.

- When your boss tells you No, you can't use him for your photoshoot...don't look like you're about to cry. If it's too late and your boss notices your eyes welling up, you should break into a coughing fit and tell her how fantastic her decision was before making a quick exit.

- If you're put in a spot and people ask you point blank if he is your object of affection, you shouldn't deny it too strongly. A simple shrug and a disgusted face would throw them off.

Good Vibrations

Courtesy of Potsie:
July 19, 2009

Unless you want to send the wrong vibes, please avoid the following:

(1) Invite/suggest/be open to sharing a room with a dude. Even if its on separate mattresses. Even if it means he has to sleep out in the hall with your pet tiger who has a penchant for men.

(2) Ask if you can lean against the dude. Even if you have sudden neck muscle loss. Preferably find a sturdy girlfriend and ask if you can lean on HER shoulder instead.

(3) Say “yes, sure we can meet up”. Even if he is your customer with a huge budget to spend on the exact same products you’re selling.

(4) Smile at him when you walk pass. Even if you’ve spent the last 10 years walking that hallway, passing his cubicle.

With great power comes great responsibility – Stan Lee

Here's Looking At You

I have a LOT of goodlooking girl friends. And no, I'm not exaggerating or trying to butter up my friends when I say this. It's true. A lot of the people I hang out have any of the following happen to them on a regular basis:

1) Have men say, 'damn, look at her' when they walk past.
2) Get marriage proposals on the street.
3) Have talent scouts come up to them and ask them to model.
4) Get modellling jobs.
5) Have random people come up to them and want to take pictures of them.

The great thing about hanging out with good looking people is that you generally look popular because of the influx of people looking in your direction. The down side is that, after awhile you start to feel like the short, fat troll hanger on.

Which makes me ponder, just how important are looks when it comes to being a happy single? Could your singledom come down to the pure and simple fact that you're just not as good looking as you think you are?

I know it's about confidence and personality and general chemistry, but physical attraction is the first thing that attracts us to the opposite sex. What if you simply aren't attractive to the type you consider attractive? In a society that prioritises looks over so much else, is being plain and not accepting that fact going to be your ultimate downfall?

Chillingly...for me at least, I wonder, if I never accept that looks play a huge part in this whole game, am I being completely deluded?

What do you think? Do you think your looks play an integral part in securing your future in finding a partner?

On Beanie Spotting

I recently spent an entire weekend Beanie-Spotting (on the lookout for hamsem men to you) and have concluded that in a festival ground which held oh roundabout 3000 men, I spotted maybe 3 that peaked my interest. 2 were taken so that left just 1 man who could've potentially been a Beanie that was 'My Taips'.

Beanie #1 - French and had a messy sort of ponytail thing going on. If you're thinking, ok, ponytail = NO ...think again. This dude made an ugly scraggly ponytail, a kaftan type top and baggy thai trousers look HOT. Think, David Beckham in a sarong. Messy-chic.

Beanie #2 - The Dan-lookalike. Because he reminds me of a Dan I used to know. Blonde, twatty looking and slightly pudgier than my usual beanpole type. He was on the same flight back as me but he was in the executive lounge. Good sign! Then he got on the same train back as well, which prompted me to change seats to get a better view of him.

Beanie #3 - I think I noticed him coz I think he stars in an Indo-drama. He peaked my penchant for Elite-Melayu interest. And he wore a scarf. Unfortunately, the next night I saw a Hobag hanging around with him. He smiled at me tho. (Probably coz he thought I might be an Indo drama star too) teehee.

In a side note, this is what you should do if you want to give off the impression that you're super cool (even when you're not really).

- If a guy calls you and says he's spotted you in a crowd, you must act super surprised and ask him to come find you. But when you see him approaching, you disappear. If he texts and asks you where you went, you say you got dragged off by a group of super happening friends.

- If you see a cute guy looking at you and you happen to be standing alone, you quickly turn to the nearest guy friend and pretend you're having a riveting conversation with him and laugh alot.

- If you find yourself alone and someone you like is approaching you, you turn to the people next to you and pretend that you're with that group. When the person is close by, walk away from the group using the excuse that you're off to get drinks for everyone.

- If you're walking by a cute guy and his group of cute friends, engage a GBF to shout from far off what a BABE you are and how you MUST be at a party because you're not only a babe, you're also super duper fun.

* Glossary

Beanie - Hot guy

Beanie-Spotting - Looking for hot guys

Hamsem - Handsome

Taips - Type

My-Taips - My type of man

Indo - Indonesian

Elite-Melayu - High class Malays

Hobag - Whore / Slut / Skank

Happs - Happening

GBF - Gay Best Friend

The Gayness of Having Gay

It's such bliss to have a GBF (that's Gay Best Friend to you). Actually, make that SGH (Surrogate Gay Husband). For those of us single girls who want to be seen hanging out with a man yet, don't want the added baggage of actually being with a man, a GBF is the best accessory to have. If you've graduated into the inner circles of Faghagdom (like yours truly) then you can up your ante and snag yourself a SGH.

Anyway, after going away on a spontaneous weekend with not one but two (in fact, it could've been THREE) lovely gay men, I shall count the ways in which a GBF totally rocks.

#1) They don't care if you break out in alcohol induced hives and don't bat an eyelid even when your neck is covered in red blotches.

#2) At the suggestion that your being alone in a hotel room with 2 men could lead to rape, one of them squeals 'But I Don't Know How To!!!'

#3) They will never develop an uncomfortable crush on you.

#4) They pretend to be your jealous boyfriend on Facebook so stalker losers will back off.

#5) You can talk real dirty with them and they wouldn't get turned on. In fact, they'll give you pointers on how to talk dirtier.

#6) They stave off prying questions from relatives who think that you two will eventually end up together.

#7) You can be as neurotic as you want when you're with them. Sometimes, they even indulge your neurotic fantasies and theories by fuelling them with some of their own.

#8) There's one thing they're straight about: fashion. (I stand by my conviction that it is a far greater compliment to be applauded by a gay man than a straight one).

#9) They're always game for a dance.

#10) They do all the skanking you're too afraid to do (they take the gay ones and pass the straight ones to you).

Hold That Door

Here's a tip for you guys. We like being treated like women. As in, we appreciate for you idiots to act like gentlemen. As in, try a little bit of chivalry. You may think it'll make you look like a pushover chump but seriously, we never wished a frostbitten likely to drop off dick on a guy who holds a door open for us. Here's some little stuff to avoid if you want to impress women:

- If you get into a lift and you see a girl approaching, do not hit the close door button and then watch impassively as the lift door slams into her as she tries to get in.

- Hold doors open if you are any less than 3 steps in front of a woman. Do not storm through it and allow the swing back to smack her in the face.

- When you are in a queue, do not push past her elbowing her in the ribs with your tray or your bag. If you are waiting to pay and the woman in front of you is taking a millisecond longer to keep her purse, do not thrust your money in front of her face and start throwing your groceries toward the bagging area before she takes her bags away.

- Do not make a kissy sound with your lips and direct it at a woman. In fact, do not make that sound. Period.

- If you are at a takeout or teller or anywhere with a counter and the person behind the counter is a woman, do not bang on the counter with a coin or a credit card to get her attention. A simple Excuse Me would suffice.

- Do not tailgate or cut into other people's lane without signalling or flash your lights when you're stuck in a jam. Do not be an asshole driver.
- Do not try to get a girl's attention in a club by circling your arm around her waist and yanking her away to the dancefloor. Do not try to pull her hair or her arm. This is called 'going caveman' and buddies, 'going caveman' is not cool and doesn't work. We just think you're idiots. And assholes.

- Do not yell at a woman in public.

- Do not be an asshole.

- Do not think the sun shines out of your asshole.

Michael's Tribute

Yesterday was one of the saddest days. I know this blog is about being single, of relationships, of sex or the lack of, man-rants etc. etc. But tonight, I'd like to give my two cents worth in tribute to two particular men. They are men I have never touched, or seen in real life or ever had the pleasure of having a (spoken) conversation with...but they are men I can safely say I Loved.

I have told very few people this but when I was young, I used to have an imaginary friend (it eventually evolved into an imaginary cult) (I was a lonely child). But it all stemmed from my imaginary friend. I named this friend after someone I wanted to emulate someday. Someone who, at that point, was the most famous person on earth. I named my imaginary friend Michael.

Michael was my buddy. I used to talk to imaginary Michael everyday. He was there alongside me when I fought with my brother (who would slap me for no reason and call me Small Fart). I discussed with him all the reasons I didn't like my parents when they scolded me. I whispered my dreams to him. He travelled with me to imagined worlds where I lived in an oasis andate only junk food. Michael helped me recruit members into our cult (he was the leader...I was God) (Yes, really. Like I said, I was a strange, over-imaginative child) so we could build a playground. In Michael were my dreams, fears, confusions and happiness all rolled into one.

Then there was the real Michael. The superstar. That Michael taught me to see the world in a way nobody else around me wanted to. He gave me music I could escape into. Through him I learnt to always see the good in people. To believe in them. He taught me that the world was fragile and I needed to be strong enough to want to hold it together. He taught me to find the one thing that made me happiest, to do it and do it well. Most importantly, he taught me to dream.

I want to thank both Michaels. Real and imaginary for giving me that. For giving me the power to believe that creativity was a starting point in healing the world. I 'd like to thank them for making my childhood full of hope, imagination and fun. They inspired me. But mostly, I want to thank them both for being such dear friends.

They are both gone now...One slipped away from my imagination when I wasn't looking and the other slipped away from our world yesterday.
But I like to think they are not so far away. They are not so lost just like our childhoods are not so lost to us. They live on as giants in our hearts.