Monday, June 29, 2009

Hold That Door

Here's a tip for you guys. We like being treated like women. As in, we appreciate for you idiots to act like gentlemen. As in, try a little bit of chivalry. You may think it'll make you look like a pushover chump but seriously, we never wished a frostbitten likely to drop off dick on a guy who holds a door open for us. Here's some little stuff to avoid if you want to impress women:

- If you get into a lift and you see a girl approaching, do not hit the close door button and then watch impassively as the lift door slams into her as she tries to get in.

- Hold doors open if you are any less than 3 steps in front of a woman. Do not storm through it and allow the swing back to smack her in the face.

- When you are in a queue, do not push past her elbowing her in the ribs with your tray or your bag. If you are waiting to pay and the woman in front of you is taking a millisecond longer to keep her purse, do not thrust your money in front of her face and start throwing your groceries toward the bagging area before she takes her bags away.

- Do not make a kissy sound with your lips and direct it at a woman. In fact, do not make that sound. Period.

- If you are at a takeout or teller or anywhere with a counter and the person behind the counter is a woman, do not bang on the counter with a coin or a credit card to get her attention. A simple Excuse Me would suffice.

- Do not tailgate or cut into other people's lane without signalling or flash your lights when you're stuck in a jam. Do not be an asshole driver.
- Do not try to get a girl's attention in a club by circling your arm around her waist and yanking her away to the dancefloor. Do not try to pull her hair or her arm. This is called 'going caveman' and buddies, 'going caveman' is not cool and doesn't work. We just think you're idiots. And assholes.

- Do not yell at a woman in public.

- Do not be an asshole.

- Do not think the sun shines out of your asshole.


  1. HAHAHA. It's so sad/funny that most men would need this spelled out.

  2. Mobo the MongooseJuly 30, 2009 at 2:36 PM

    Most of your points are valid, but I'll have to take issue with you over the hitting the close button on the elevator to make a lady sandwich when the doors slam shut. It's damned funny. If you're doing it for jokes, then why not? If you're doing it to avoid female contact, then guys - grow a dick!

    Top tip from me - do not go to clubs to find a girlfriend/boyfriend. It's a meat market, plain and simple. Dancing is not a good indicator of character, intellect (well maybe sometimes), compatibility or common interests (unless you count grinding).