Sunday, January 17, 2010
In The Sky With Diamonds
One of the reasons I started this blog was to remind myself, and others like yourself, that maybe being single isn't so bad. Saying that, I would still like the picket fence and that whole soulmate thing, if it's there for the taking. Unfortunately, with prospects looking bleak, that isn't much of an option at the moment.
In all seriousness, due to the sudden realisation of how old I am getting, I've started wondering about what I would settle for in a bid to not be alone for the rest of my life.
And the answer is this: I wouldn't.
People in all shapes and sizes have encouraged me, at the start of this year to be open to options. "Don't be the stuck up closed off weirdo you always are, Happsgirl...", "Give people a chance Happsgirl." "Please stop having all these high expectations, Happsgirl"...
and I tried...I really did. I started exploring my options. I even tried to give up my crushes in a bid to be open to new prospects. I went to a fortune teller. I started wondering about existing male acquaintances...I questioned myself and what I would want a LOT.
Then it hit me one night while I was reading a magazine and stumbled across a picture I couldn't tear my eyes away from. It was this incredibly normal looking man who painted flowers...and he seemed like the most beautiful thing I've ever come across. What I realised is this:
I'd rather be alone than end up settling on my dreams.
I don't want just anybody. I've made it thus far alright living and being alone. If I can't have what I want, I don't want anything (or anybody) at all.
Call me an idiot but I believe in that one time violent thing that happens to you. I believe in Fate and Serendipity. I believe that Love is supposed to come along and sweep you away. I believe in a beautiful boy who may save me. I believe in someone who will see me completely. I believe in a fantasy.
And people used to be able to say, "Oh, that will never happen...He doesn't exist...You're dreaming of a character"...
And I used to believe them. I used to think that someone who blurred the lines between fantasy and reality didn't exist.
But then I met him.
And sure, he wasn't everything I conjured up in my fantasies. But he was beautiful. And meeting him was sheer chance. And for a splendid moment there, he saw me.
I knew that if he could exist, so could all my other ideals of Love.
So I think I'll pass. Pass on the people who aren't meant for me. Pass on all the people who just
'aren't'. They aren't what I want. It's as simple as.
And if I have to settle for what I don't want, I think I would be happier having nothing.